I am back

 After five years, I am back. I am writing again. 

So much has changed. I have a son now. He is four years old. He is very different from me. I don't even know if I am raising him. I certainly live with him. I know he is watching me. He learns and copies sometimes and he is learning how to live life from me and those around him. I like him. He is funny and loves to laugh from the depth of his stomach. His teachers say that he is loving and plays carefully with his friends. He loves to play. From waking until he sleeps off, he plays hard. 

Much more has happened to me personally since I had him. I am not who I was before. Maybe I never am every day. There is a new me. it's almost as if for everything I learn, I change. And so it should be, no?

Resilience

She said I might be depressed and I guess for a minute or two I did feel depressed. You would think that the water would deplete after going down the thing but you would be surprised that there is more where it came from. So after going through the motions and what has involved beating myself up for everything that has seemingly gone wrong in my life - and I say seemingly because much of it is assumed- you'll just have to get to know me to understand this.

One thing is for sure, depression is the pits. Its one of those situations that makes you question everything and nothing and places you on a judgement seat. The idea is that you are supposed to be perfect but then again, who is? So depression questions one's existence, judging and critiquing every bad decision, needless to say it focuses only on setbacks and tides. After almost three weeks of being in the dumps, I picked up my tender self and walked out of my shell with strength and a smile. I found this secluded cafe on K and 17th in the District and here I am reveling in humanity's resilience to continue living despite the pits and mountains.

Life out of Context

This past Sunday I hosted ‘the ladies who love to read book club,’ started by two lovely ladies I have a high respect for. Being an extreme introvert I enjoyed listening to these young ladies chat about life, events and themselves. I am always amazed at how much enthusiasm and joy oozes out of extroverted humans.

Wewere discussing Walter Mosley's “Life out of Context.” In my living room sat eight  accomplished, beautiful and intelligent women. I was awed at how similar we all are apart from all the credentials we carry. We all question the status quo of our people in this country from a global perspective. I was slightly taken aback at Mosley indication of the plight of our people not being in state of war. We however, agreed that there is a war against us. But we never stop to think that this war is not being fought with a sword and shield.We are a very strong people and the only we can be destroyed is through the destruction of our minds. We as a people do not know this, I guess in many ways we have come to believe that we are less than; a people mentally and physically inferior and because of this we reject our own culture and norms and embrace anything else but what is akin to us. We are constantly bombarded with agendas to distract us from our plight and fight and we are unconscious of who we are and too entangled in other peoples culture that we are disconnected from who we really are. 

I wondered for a moment as I looked around me, asking myself, "How important are my degrees? Have my degrees brought me to a place where I want to be or are they only an illusion of success? What is success? Who defines it? Five of us migrated to the States for varied reasons but hey, we are all here living lives out of context without necessarily knowing it. We study food, health and human rights laws of  culture that sometimes appears to be against our very own existence. We are conscious yet completely unconscious. 

The concept of consciousness sweeping over our people today is characterized by avoiding MacDonald’s and other fast food places, questioning and doubting the media, and recognizing that there is a war against us and yet not defining the enemy. Not because we do not know who the enemy is, but because our lives are entirely wrapped up in what could be against us that we cannot separate ourselves from it. In a sense we have become our own enemy and this is part of the war. Unless we start to disentangle ourselves from what is not us or for us, we are never going to be free. This life of ours will always be a life out of context.

I believe in retro; in going back to the roots to being grounded, literally and metaphorically. I am the kind of person who has to understand ideas and issues from the root otherwise am hopeless at making decisions. I need details, why and how? A couple of years ago, I had many questions because I had done everything I wanted to do but I was never getting where I wanted to be. Today, on this retro path, my life is slowly finding context.

Dear Ugandan Politician

https://ssenyonga.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/dear-ugandan-politician/

The Good kind of Contol

Believe it or not somewhere in this mess there is a method. It’s my first job managing an entire project, making decisions, moving things. If I do not send out an email or call a meeting, nothing moves. 

At this present moment my life is surrounded by pressure, some bright days when I run off and hide in the comfort of my living room, watch my bell peppers and tomatoes grow and dream of a day when I will have my very own personal assistant. Isn't it interesting that human beings have a need to own things, people and animals? Someone I know often reiterates that Americans have a need more than any people to control something or anything. Whenever he sees people walking around with their dogs on a leash he compares it to being in Africa where the dogs run free and return when the sun sets. 

However, when you think about America, the idea of privacy has numerous facets to it. Privacy ranges from not evading another’s space on the bus, train and in one’s home; but when it comes to the media; what one does, writes, photography there is absolutely no privacy. In Africa, yes Africa that one big country, I said it – bite me! I hate borders – but this is a topic for another day. Well, in Africa, the notion of privacy is invisible. We do not think, talk or act it. When I was growing up, I got told off for things I was doing wrong by the neighbors and all my relatives, distant and near, people from church and even my own older siblings who sometimes took out a cane to discipline me. A child’s life is not their own or even their parents only.

Today I had a meeting with a partner firm I am working with and was pressing the need for privacy for refugees in a camp while we undertake the research project out there. The partner said to me, ‘the notion of privacy for refugees in a camp is absolutely different from what you are speaking of. In a camp xx refugees as old as my grandparents take a bath in the open, nothing is private,’ this not because they want to, but because its the hand they have been dealt. Maybe I'm stretching it when I make reference to refugees. Refugees are special in that they have no control whatsoever as to what has happened and what is happening to them. Non-refugees on the continent do have a sense of control over their lives but in a collective sense. We control our families, everyone chips in, many times my parents will call me to talk to a sibling or cousin about something they would rather have someone else say and my siblings will call me to speak to my parents about something that they are fed up of bringing up, relatives will ask my parents about me and throw in their ten cents about my unconventional lifestyle – why do I wear my hair like that? Why does she travel too much? Why doesn't she have any children yet?

My desire for a personal assistant, maybe an intern who can get all my work done, is evidence of my transition from the collective to the individual. I want to own something of my own, to say that I have someone who you can contact instead of coming straight to me; to get my work done so that I have less to do -to have the freedom to thrive without pressure. One of my girlfriends would say, this is a good control. 

Risking to be Free

Its almost a year since I moved to the D.C. metro area. A close friend of mine was laughing at me a few days back when he reminded me that while preparing to return to the States, I picked on D.C because I had said many times before that I'd prefer to live in a politically happening city. I tried to deny ever saying that, but the more I think about it, the more akin I am to being in a place where things are run. I am a city girl, have always been. I was born in the center of Kampala and grew up three minutes away from the Parliament, two minutes away from the National Radio Station and only about 5-10 minutes away from every major national headquarters at the time. 

But my dear friend was not laughing at me in a good way, he was laughing at me in a conscious sort of way, as if to say, we have been spooked, I most of all. For where the power lies, there the devil reigns. Which is exactly as the devil said to Christ - if you bow before me I will give you the kingdoms of the earth. Bummer! So you mean Christ does not reign over the Kingdoms of the earth? But why, do I want so badly to be a part of the Kingdoms of the earth? 

So I am designing new dreams. I was showing one of my Ivy League friends a video of the life I want to live, it included a lot of farming. She said to me after the video ended, "I will not lie to you, that is not my kind of life." And she added, "why don't you just aim at being a President, something great. Farming??" Her response was just what I expected. The world is full of people like me, wanting to be where things are run, wanting to be UN Secretary general (well this is still on) but I also want t to be a farmer. I believe that Farming is the future of the world. Not many people see this. Not many people think its noble. But a famous farmer I know once said, Farming is dangerous, it is not a democracy its a dictatorship. Farming will dictate everything in your life and you are at a great risk of being free. 

So here I am; a Meroetic woman, living in the D.C area, bound by time, rules and a paycheck, desiring the biggest job at the United Nations and yet above all considering the risk to freedom because dangerous is attractive. 

Annoying Optimism

I avoid dealing with people who've not been through pain. It’s nothing I have against them. I just cannot relate to them. The parts of me that I need to have known, touched and need to have fellowship are tied up not in the successes of my life but in the struggles of my life. For TMH has done more through my struggles than he has ever done through my successes and if you look carefully at my successes, they are made out of the ingredients of my struggles; and you can never know my successes until you understand my struggles. My struggles are the pathway that led me into my successes. If you have never had anything to die in your life, you have the kind of optimism that is annoying. Your preaching is not balanced by failure. You do not know what I am until you have been where I have been. Do not sit there and tell me to take it, you do not understand. Just because you read some books and took a psych class does not mean you are ready to deal with the issues in my life.' ~ T.D Jakes

Giza

View of the Pyramids from a distance, reminded me of the Caravan stories of old. - Giza, Egypt. (C) Amoding Oluka

Freeing Me

A time of transition where I found myself and triumphed. (C) Amoding Oluka

The courtship

Sana'a, Yemen (C) Amoding Oluka

Beauty of Kinks

That moment when a strands of hair fall out of m head while I comb it out and I am awed by the beauty of kinks. (C)Amoding Oluka

That moment

An aerail view of Islands on the Red Sea. (C) Amoding Oluka

A Picture A Day

A view of the Atlantic Ocean from my Living room window. I have never seen such beautiful views in my life. I have a fetish for the sun, clouds and water. The entire combination is enough to make me smile throughout the day.  - Pelourinho, Brazil (C) Amoding Olukaption

A Picture A Day

Capa Cabana Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - the Surrender (C) Amoding Oluka

A picture A day

Winter in New England, USA - Being Beautiful (C) Amoding Oluka

A Picture A Day

A Camel Ride by the Gulf of Akbar, Nuweiba © Amoding Oluka

A Picture A Day

An ariel view of Saudi Hills on a Flight from Yemen to Egypt. Every time I left Yemen for my R&R week I looked forward to looking over at the views below. This is the best part of short flights, most often the planes do not fly as high as on a long trip. So on trips like this I had my camera strapped on and always demanded a window seat. For such a view cosnider flying Yemenia Airways because it flies over the beautiful part of Saudi Arabia over the Red sea and Gulf of Akbhar. ©Amoding Oluka

Wisdom & Folly

Regard everyday events as messages about reality. Trust in those messages, don’t fight reality. Don’t defend against it. Read it like you would a newspaper. Read everything that happens to you and to others as pertinent news about the reality of being human, of being you. For every action we take, reality leaves little messages about its wisdom or folly.

Today ~

Let the young rain of tears come, let the calm hands of grief come. It’s not all as evil as you think~ Rolf Jacobsen

Doesn’t everything die at last and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver (The Summer day)

We do not know where death awaits us, so let us wait for it everywhere. To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave. ~ Michel De Montaigne

Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Tropical Exterior by Other Metro Architects & Designers Juliana Lahoz

Eclectic Spaces by Adelaide Media and Bloggers Jeni Lee

Eclectic Spaces by Adelaide Media and Bloggers Jeni Lee

Never Give Up

When you go through a hard period, 

When everything seems to oppose you,
When you feel you cant bear even one minute,
never give up
Because it is the time and place that the course will divert.

Rumi

The battle of words

ML: Hey, hope u r well or at least making the best of your life. I'll probably email you on Monday because we've got this power rationing thing on weekends in K-Town, so there's virtually no internet during the days. Take care of yourself for now, and remember to love yourself first, for in that way, you'll achieve a better sense of inner peace. I'm reminded of a tale of when hot water was poured on mother hen and its chicks, she told them, as she covered them, “take heart, for what’s hot will eventually cool down’. God bless. ADO: Thanks for the voice message you left on the phone, it took me a while to recognize who it was. Thanks again, stay well. ML: the pleasure is mine. I always use birthdays as a landmark to set goals. I pray this time next year you'll be a happier and more peaceful person than you are now. When you pray for that too, then you'll be a better person. ML: I need my head examined! If I remember correctly, we were friends on fb before.......meaning one of us blocked the other. And that person definitely wasn't me. Who do you think went behind our backs and did such a thing? ADO: hmmm...thinking ML: who is this I espy? And pray....why are you under the more online friends section? You should be somewhere on top ADO: what??? Who is Espy??? Are you sane??? ML: No.......I am M. I don’t know who sane is. Is he the one whose brother is called idiot? ADO: not foolish ML: No....foolish is dumbbell’s cousin....from the father's side. ADO: ye what happened to R I thought I was chatting with her and then all of a sudden you appeared? Not that I do not want to talk with you - just wondering? ADO: hahahah there you are running from me and introducing me to boxes whatever that is? ML The pleasure is all mine ML: If I were to run away from you....it would most definitely be backwards. ADO: You sound like a witch ML: I act like three of them.....and yet....devoid of logic.....I have a golden heart........or so am told ADO: HAHAHAHAHHA who deceived you?  

ML: You guys must be having GPS. One sister online and the other one on phone...I am just waiting for a txt msg from another!!!! .....oh...that is phone as well......and then she fled! ADO: hahaha got ya! Brighten my day -oops evening or are you going to do a runner like you have been doing the first quarter of this year when it comes to speaking with me. What did you do? Why are you hiding? ML: Hid.....who? (Looks around) me? ADO: ha! See I have been practically begging you to speak with me ML: Had gone to do numbers....btn you and me...you know its me that’s got more to lose. Pls speak to me. ADO: Oh puleeeeaaaaaaase! ML: I knew that would come....closed my eyes shut and waited....good thing is...it does not feel that bad anymore. ADO: You are such a romantic ML: Coming from Haile D…silasi herself......that is something ADO: Dang! When did I become D…silasi ha-ha I thought that was your Rasta Wife? ML: Ya man! I confuse wagwan gonna go offline....too many people saying hi.....but we continue chatting...no? Still here. Am juggling btn doing sit-ups and chatting with you. I want a new body....2013 ADO: I was just thinking of doing sit ups too I used to be a star naye, I fell off that horse ML: you are still a star...unless your body shape has changed of recent......uoybbujlglgytgytkoyvt  ADO: You are too kind ha! ML: (kicking myself) ADO: Now what are you speaking is that Xhosa? Kind and dramatic ML: kindly dramatic then? ADO: You can say whatever you like ML: How is Y-country? Ok, let me go for another 20 as you think  

ADO: ha-ha I am getting ready to head out Y-country is the same. People wearing -like outfits only eyes out; men riding bikes and pulling up their Galabeyas so we can see some leg; other men driving the most expensive cars I have ever seen in my life not even in Amreeka or Misr; good food which includes chicken and rice on a daily basis. By the way the chickens that die here on a daily basis outnumber the pigs that die in Uganda on a daily basis. Al Qaeda kidnapping international staff and freaking us out - or trying and HCR getting all panicky and surprisingly thinking of making good decisions in the panicked state like "We are thinking of sending people to work at home" Yes please! HCR keep being panicky ML: You survived T-Square....this is a walk in the park for you. ADO: and then there are people like me who do not think Black people can be kidnapped because we never make for good bargaining power but then again Al Qaeda kidnaps to kill and make a point not to get ransoms and the story goes on. Its 6:00pm the driver is over my head as if I am some kid ML: hahaha ok....scoot along ADO: .... anyway I am bait for the Terrorists who I really do not think are terrorists, so lets talk when you have time and I do not have to do all the talking, sa? ML: fine. ADO: What is fine? Say Yes, Ma'am kale bye ML: yes ma'am. Had gone back for another.....can feel the beads of sweat now. ADO: Sorry for all those spelling errors, I was excited to be speaking to a human being.  Also please let your wife know that I do not like being ignored. I have been calling her phone but she is snubbing me - not even close to funny! Goodnight!  

ML: I know your capabilities...mastery and the abilities of harnessing the English language to a point it has become your slave.....so, spelling errors from you are like an experiment of sorts. No one would believe you could do it out of a mistake...but rather out of fancying the thought of delving into the unknown. ML: About my wife....I am going to sound her out! That is unacceptable! Goodnight.....I know in Africa we say, don’t let the bedbugs bite....I think the Y’s version is, "Don’t let the cluster bombs fall" ADO: Dang! Dude you are too sharp I want to be like you when I grow up! And then again you can be sarcastic to the bone - I thought no one could be as sarcastic as my dad... "I know your capabilities...mastery and the ability of harnessing the English language to a point it has become your slave.....so, spelling errors from you are like an experiment of sorts. No one would believe you could do it out of a mistake...but rather out of fancying the thought of delving into the unknown." ... but you are coming close I daresay! Meanwhile about not letting the cluster bombs fall - I wish I had power over that naye! That is in the hands of the Most high. Now am back at work and my day is going to be AWESOME because I spent the evening chatting to real people - such as, like, for example - whatever - actually you could be one of them.  Talk to me... I am here ML: Word of advice young lady:  But before that: I know your type. You have an actively intellectual mind. I have had to coin that phrase for lack of a better way to describe it. There are people who are lazily intellectual....others have the intellect but sit on it...bringing it to use once in a while....then there are the yours...the type that people...mere mortals like me, have to do the running to catch up to your wit, wisdom, charm...name it....all in 3D. So, back to my point...A word of advice, young lady: If your man's obligations are more towards the simple things in life, then leave that cloak in the office. There is nothing as beautiful as new found love. When all is said and done, and you now live together with all the "official ties" out of the way....certain niggling things might start creeping in...Like you being too smart. If that is the case, then devise ways of making him look smart once in a while. But then again, some men don’t have that problem. I do hope and pray he is one of them. M felt threatened, and the best way to get some kind of mental control was to.....you know the rest of the story better than me. ML: Otherwise, good morning human being. 
 
ADO: Why do people like to say good morning? as if those two words mean anything - are you asking a question, acknowledging a state or just saying it because you think it is polite? Just asking - I once thought I was rude, then a lady I shared a house with for two years told me I can be curt. I get it from my grandmother. I have to blame someone just so you will not run away from me and just give me a sympathy vote of friendship for having no control over my genes. Wait! I really do not need a sympathy vote - we are sort of related, of which I also had no control over. So wallah - here we are experiencing another beautiful day. So what's up? ML: I say good morning for different reasons. for you, it was to start a conversation...only, I had already made a speech....so I guess it was to end that conversation...or maybe I said it as an interjection... or am using it as a coma...to catch my breath....or even as a distraction from what I was writing to you...or I was just using it as a pause...to put my head back in gear....but for you....I guess I use it to start a fight! Did you read my passage above?  

ADO: I did read your message above, no I do not fight - This is why I insinuated that I am just curt - (sorry) - then again I should never apologize for what I have no control over - like being black - who apologizes for that?  My questions were only meant to continue a conversation but then again - not many people can take strong words like I can. I have lived in the bush of pained emotions and bitter words so I can take almost anything and not think it is a fight; because when you have been through the battle of words, words cease to provoke reactions like that. You can only invest your emotions in what you care about, you know? I am not making much sense I reckon, no? Just trying to get out of my web of presumed warfare. The man - smart - intelligent: I am intrigued by his intellect and his love for knowledge which I do not even get close to. So I am content to just listen to him and ask questions. However, I have fears (here is to me being vulnerable!! where are the party poppers?) fears that maybe I am just not made for anyone, maybe I was that broken splinter from someone's rib and not the entire rib? The fears come and go, I write them down, yesterday I only had two - which can be changed - so maybe I will actually settle down with all the 'officialities' out of the way (I doubt that I even had them in the way from the beginning) and maybe tomorrow I might just have my own fears - normal ones. The fears that are steps to making me a better person. So really what's up? And for making me talk about what I was avoiding you get 3.6/10 ML: Actually, I am reading.....then re-reading......and now am rrrreeeally reading. Hold that bottle of H2O for a second. Can we do a bit of soul searching here? I know I opened Pandora's thingamajig....but now that it’s open, can we talk about it? Why do you think you are not made for anyone? ADO: ha! Is this your way of making me talk?  I guess sometimes I am just happy being by my self and making my own decisions without having someone else get involved ( I think it comes from being alone too much and for long - note that I did not say 'too long’)... and then I find that I want so much that I do not want to frustrate anyone with my demands- just that. Nothing to do research on - just plain simple; A's pride + rigidity = Fear. However, we are created to be with another, to love another and to learn how to do that with our fears - The book is all for it, so if I am resisting then I am not really in the book, no?

"It's really beautiful. It feels like God visits everywhere else but lives in Africa" --Will Smith

“The darkest thing about Africa has always been our ignorance of it.”

I have loved no part of the world like this and I have loved no women as I love you. You're my human Africa. I love your smell as I love these smells. I love your dark bush as I love the bush here, you change with the light as this place does, so that one all the time is loving something different and yet the same. I want to spill myself out into you as I want to die here.”
― Graham Greene,

Trust

Do you think I know what I am doing?
that for one breath or half-breath, I belong to myself?
as much as a pen knows what its writing
or the ball can guess where it is going next

~ Rumi

Leave thinking to the one who gave intelligence. In silence, there is eloquence. ~ Rumi

I said: what about my eyes?
God said: Keep them on the road.
I said: what about my passion?
God said: Keep it burning.
I said: what about my heart? God said: Tell me what you hold inside it?
I said: pain and sorrow?
He said: ..stay with it.
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

~ Rumi

Sixteen days of a lot of loving

'Sixteen days of a lot of loving,' he called it. It's been paused with Al Green's, 'Lets Stay Together'

Lets Stay Together - Al Green
I, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you
 
Let me say that since, alright, since we've been together Loving you forever is what I need Oh let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue
 
Oh let's, let's stay together Lovin' you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad, alright, oh yeah Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad
 
Oh tell me why, why, why, why, why, why Why people break up, turn around and make up I can't see, you never, never, never do that to me You better not do, staying around you is all I All these eyes will ever see
 
Why won't you say that me, everybody says That let's, let's stay together Lovin' you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad
 
Everybody says, "Let's, let's stay together I'll keep on lovin' you whether, whether Times are, oh times are good or times are bad Whether, whether good or bad, happy or sad Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

Read more: AL GREEN - LET'S STAY TOGETHER LYRICS