I run to you

Right now the temptation to smoke is so bad! I almost bought a pack of cigarettes and decided that I had to call someone first. So I called Jarvis and asked whether he had smoked before and told him what I was thinking. Now I have never smoked before nor have I had shisha. I am not going to blame it on the fact that everyone around me is smoking, right now I want to do something I have never done in life and smoking seems to be the best option among all the crazy things, yet something tells me that if I give in to smoking I just might give in to all the other things that I loathe. So back to Jarvis, he asks me "Are you mad?" I say 'No, I just want to smoke, do something I have never done before I die' and he says, 'Dont', and I say 'okay'. So I walk out of the shop, the shop keeper about 21 years old is smoking and I secretly envy him. But I will not give in, I wish I knew whats gotten into me right now. I feel very different, different from the Deborah I have always been.partly am aware that am hurting way too much and I want a way out of this, but there are other ways to deal with hurt and I know them, I will bear it, continue asking God for help - gosh right now I wish he could just yell and say 'I hear you' or 'I see you.' So I am back in my apartment, determined to smoke out sense and intellect out of my brain onto paper and create a Thesis. And that I will do. I have wanted to quit, but I will not, I will persist. I have been feeling lately that maybe I should not have pursued the dual masters, am tired. Tired emotionally and its weighing down on my mental capabilities. If I knew that emotional relationships would drain me this much, gosh if only I knew I would have had a pass at love, fought it so hard and not let it over ride me. But I fell in love and now am going through the motions. When this is all over, am sure it will all pay off, all the waiting, the working, the studying and the love, because above all love never fails. Sometimes when the world Gets so cold And my heart Is fifteen below And I feel like I'm So far from home I run to You When life doesn't Go like I plan So confused and I don't understand It's hard 'cause It's out of my hands And this is what I do When I got Nothing left to give I run to You When I can't find my way And I get lost in You When I don't have the faith When I don't know what to do I feel I can't make it through I run to You So it goes, every life has some rain Everyone's gotta deal with the pain But I know how to make it ok I tell You what I do When my back's Up to the wall You know You are my light You're my everything In a place of chaos You're the One thing that brings me peace I'll give my heart, I'll give my all When I'm beat down You're always standing tall I run to You I'm so lost in You When I need You Oh I need to