Searching, learning, finding

It's been raining, for some reason I woke up this morning with a disturbing notion that I should not drive to the Bank where I had to pay for the car, I tried making all kinds of calls to find out whether I could pay online and it just was not possible, so I had to dread the rain and vamoose. I got there safe and returned in just one piece. Maybe again it's that time of the month when I never quite understand myself, you know the emotions change. I had to do an oil change as well and the guy said there is this problem with my cooler that may affect the engine...I have always dreaded car talk...now am here listening to it with no choice, hoping when Milton returns he can somehow sort it out but then the car may not wait that long, so? No idea really. Am home now; Transcribing all over again, more work came in last week and I have been pushing it all in the name of the Army wives dinner.Now the dinner is done and past I have had to pull myself together and listen to more refugee stories. My life is filled with Muslim friends and I sense that I need to know more about Islam, huh? Yes I do. So I used Vuze- which by the way is the most exciting program for downloading movies, documentaries and audio book- to get some stuff on Islam I found so much on Islam and even though while in England I had done a course on Islam I just found out that the Islamic faith is based on Galatians 3:26, as longs as you believe in God every one is one- Unity is the focus. But what happened to believing through Christ? Why is the concept of God manifesting himself through the Son and Holy Spirit despicable? Is it us humans who should determine how He should manifest himself or Is He not God almighty who can choose how He manifests? Those questions am pondering on. My friend Steve and tend to have discussions on Islam and Christianity every other week as he is thinking about converting to the Islamic faith because to him the concept of One God makes more sense and if he ever got broke would decide to be an evangelical preacher.Interestingly am enjoying the Islamic documentary, it confounds my Faith in Christ even more.

No future in the past

It has been one of those weeks where am not interested in writing down anything, my loss. Am reading what If you only had one month to live? I would most definitely get onto the first plane to Uganda and spend time with my family. We never have control of the date we are born or the date we die but we sure do have control over the in between and what we do with that is what counts for life. Am learning that its not slefish for me to invest in myself seeing as am not my own but was bought with a price therefore honouring God with my body is what counts for me. While at the gym this morning, this lady jumped on the trademill next to mine and she fell flat on her face, the trademill was moving while she got onto it and for about 10 or so seconds before I stopped mine and yelled for help the her face was on this moving mill. I had a rush of cold blood. She said she felt fine, quite traumatic I would say. later she said to me, " you can see how in no time we are done, I have been working out for three years and this has never happened to me." while we may never know what happens tomorrow we have control of the right nowm am learning that there is no future in the past and so the best I can do for myself is move on. Though the waves have been strong He gives inner peace. I walk as graceful as a duck yet underneath I puddle. God knows what its like. Jesus felt it, lonely and forsaken, that's how I felt days ago. No meaning to life, strange fears, confusions- He says to be still. In my pressures - to seek peace. In my complexities to seek simplicity. In His presence to find true purpose. And now I know that God always answers the deep questions of my soul.

Yearnings

Everyday I desire to be Holy. I come short, my heart bleeds when I cant get there I realise am trying too hard. my heart is prideful. My knees drop, my heart weeps, am weary. I stretch, reaching out for His hand, His grasp and then He holds, not letting go. Am secure held in the Father's grip, I sigh wanting, craving for more of Him, His embrace. Secure in Him I laugh because that is where I should have and always should be... In the Father's embrace. Where am totally me, unlovely yet loved, tamed yet wild, sought and soothed. That's where I want to be always.

Made to submit

It does not seem to matter where we come from, no matter where people live or end up there is often a great longing and desire for a higher power, the Arabs had their Kaaba before Islam, the Africans had their ancestors while others evoked spirits from of old, while others used Voodoo, both Latin and Native Americans had their own spiritual worship, the Chinese have their own gods while the Caucasians had some kind of witchcraft, as the Romans had Caesar and Kings and the Jews had God. Why do we all long for a higher power. For something greater? Is it that we all have that innate instinct to pursue what we were made from and for? For all people whatever we do for our spirits is an expression that there is something greater we are aware of even in the subconscious. One God, one people? hmmm!? Poets are known to speak through a voice of desire, desire for a better life, better politics, does that sound like a contradiction? Better Politics!? In a cosmic way power and tenderness come together in poetry. In Poetry water and paradise are symbolically tied to one another. Yet for the imagery in poetry, desire remains on paper, orally told. what is it about life that restricts us from living the desire expressed in poetry,David and Solomon did... live out truth, express who we are and be unashamed to pursue what we know is true. Living in deceit is much more distressing than living in truth. Just watched Angel heart and even though he tried to cry out that he knew who he was, he had nothing to fall back on, when Lu Ci fer insisted he owned him. The love of money, not too much though,was enough to keep him doing what he did not know and because of the fact that he thought he knew who he was,he had not submitted to anyone greater than Lu Ci Fer. Roosevelt once said, "Men can never escape being governed, if from lawlessness or fickleness from folly or self indulgence, they refuse to govern themselves, then in the end they will be governed by others.' I believe that God through Christ lives in me and because of that my Life is governed by him and in him I live my Life.