He walked into my room today and
said I must be bored because I was watching Def Poetry. I like Def Poetry. I
love Poetry in general. Why do we sneer at people when they
are taken up with what we do not fancy. Anyway so I smiled. Said I
liked poetry. Have you ever wondered what road in life you are going down? I
just finished reading Son of Hamas by
Mosad Hassan Youssef intriguing life story with consequences so veridical makes
one quiver. For the past six months every week or morning I wake I realize that
my road is getting narrower - literally and metaphorically. Less people
understand me. I am the odd one out in almost all my friendships. One day
someone is so dear and the next day
when they are gone, I can live without them. Someone once said it’s a great day
when you meet your ex and feel nothing. I think it’s frightening. Frightening
that there could be so much passion and hope one day and the next – pure abysm.
Is our humanity so mercurial?
My Cameroonian friend and I were
talking about his now and then Kyana* who I have met several times but never
quite remember her name. I told him he should never marry because I never seem
to recall her name even though he reminds me now and gain. I even added that
this could be a sign. He said she is the only person he could think of marrying
at the moment. One month they are in touch another they are out of touch. It’ an
international relationship you see. He said they use themselves for cushion and
comfort. I did not ask what this meant. I want to synthesize it myself. An
American friend has this on his Facebook status update: Tell someone you love them today because life is short. Also, yell at
someone in German because life is terrifying and confusing.
Last week I met a man who makes
my heart turnover when he smiles. He is not the man for me yet my heart does
things around him, my stomach knots and I want to grab the handles on his wheel
chair run away with him and never look back. I attended the Regina mosaic you
see. Found the Caribbean one most exciting I must admit it’s a normal human
need to be around people who look like you. It gets awfully exhausting to
always be the odd one, to stand out, to be different. One of my closest friends
wrote me a letter yesterday she said I was born intense. You have to understand
she has known me since I was three and I have known her since she was born. She
did not shock me per se, she only confirmed some of the things I have been
finding out about me. When I read a book, I go all out: make notes and have to
find something to draw and walk away with. It’s almost as if I want to waste no
minute of my life. Yet one can never be too careful – like when I spent a
couple of hours watching The Woman in
Black – Those are two hours of my life I will never get back.
After making more than 160 job applications
with no job offer I have to admit I am in a dark place. Homeless, jobless and penniless:
The less becomes more as the days go by.
A man I admire once said, Lovers
meet in dark places and God orders yours steps in crises and dilemma. Maybe
the man whose smile makes my heart turnover is the dark lover? He speaks French
– I always wanted to end up with a man who speaks one of the major UN
languages. Ah, but lists! The past five months of my life back in the States
have been packed with lesson after lesson, from finding me to finding my
talents to my purpose. You know how Jakes always says, everything happens when you find your purpose and nothing happens until
you do. On this narrow and dark road I have finally come to know who I am –
what I want – where am going. Nothing is clear but I have some sort of road
map. I lost my faith into the journey; I remember the days I refused to pray
because I hated to cry. Every time I tried to talk to God I cried so much and I
stopped praying, believing was too painful it was easier to just take one step
at a time. Prayer would give me hope I feared to hang on. I wrote to my sister
telling her I had lost my faith. She felt the same way. Nostalgia for the days
when I had a childlike faith is setting in. You know that faith that believes
with a smile as opposed to tears? Where is it? I feel it close yet I am almost
afraid to stretch out because for some reason it might be an illusion.
* Kyana - Luganda for girlfriend
