There was a time ...

There was a time you loved me and there was no one else, There was a time we were just the two of us exclusive We had so much passion, it was not divided It was just us. When others came in, we became weak together, we lost touch, we lost us We had no passion, just duty There was a time we had dreams together There was a time we had hopes, Names for our babies A clear purpose in life And then we lost it. We lost it because we were too many, Too many cooks actually do spoil the broth Make it taste bad And now it tastes bad. I long for that time, I think of that time I hope for that time

Never

Never hurt a heart that loves you Never cause it needless pain for a hurt heart Might never love again Never hurt a heart that loves you Never blind it For like an eye It might never see the depths of love again Never hurt a heart that loves you Never destroy the trust it has in you for like a pet it might never trust again with the heart of its heart Never hurt a heart that loves you Never jeer at the pain it suffers for like a wall it might cause a barrier which might never be broken Never hurt a heart that loves you for like a scorpion it stings deep, lasts long and its pain is not quite easily forgotten Never hurt a heart that loves you Never cause it damage for like a poison, It can cause decay in the bones which might never be able to heal Never hurt a heart that loves you Or cause it endless pain For like a flower it might bloom never again Never hurt a heart that loves you for a hurt heart will crave for revenge and pour its rage on you Psymmone

I run to you

Right now the temptation to smoke is so bad! I almost bought a pack of cigarettes and decided that I had to call someone first. So I called Jarvis and asked whether he had smoked before and told him what I was thinking. Now I have never smoked before nor have I had shisha. I am not going to blame it on the fact that everyone around me is smoking, right now I want to do something I have never done in life and smoking seems to be the best option among all the crazy things, yet something tells me that if I give in to smoking I just might give in to all the other things that I loathe. So back to Jarvis, he asks me "Are you mad?" I say 'No, I just want to smoke, do something I have never done before I die' and he says, 'Dont', and I say 'okay'. So I walk out of the shop, the shop keeper about 21 years old is smoking and I secretly envy him. But I will not give in, I wish I knew whats gotten into me right now. I feel very different, different from the Deborah I have always been.partly am aware that am hurting way too much and I want a way out of this, but there are other ways to deal with hurt and I know them, I will bear it, continue asking God for help - gosh right now I wish he could just yell and say 'I hear you' or 'I see you.' So I am back in my apartment, determined to smoke out sense and intellect out of my brain onto paper and create a Thesis. And that I will do. I have wanted to quit, but I will not, I will persist. I have been feeling lately that maybe I should not have pursued the dual masters, am tired. Tired emotionally and its weighing down on my mental capabilities. If I knew that emotional relationships would drain me this much, gosh if only I knew I would have had a pass at love, fought it so hard and not let it over ride me. But I fell in love and now am going through the motions. When this is all over, am sure it will all pay off, all the waiting, the working, the studying and the love, because above all love never fails. Sometimes when the world Gets so cold And my heart Is fifteen below And I feel like I'm So far from home I run to You When life doesn't Go like I plan So confused and I don't understand It's hard 'cause It's out of my hands And this is what I do When I got Nothing left to give I run to You When I can't find my way And I get lost in You When I don't have the faith When I don't know what to do I feel I can't make it through I run to You So it goes, every life has some rain Everyone's gotta deal with the pain But I know how to make it ok I tell You what I do When my back's Up to the wall You know You are my light You're my everything In a place of chaos You're the One thing that brings me peace I'll give my heart, I'll give my all When I'm beat down You're always standing tall I run to You I'm so lost in You When I need You Oh I need to

Its a new year

Its a new year, seems like I have just realized that. Mother was here for a month and that was fun! I always had hot breakfasts and dinners. It was good that she was able to come over and just chill- something she has not done in way too long. Going back to Uganda with her was even more refreshing for me, it was good to get away from Cairo and the hassle of life here. Uganda reminds me that there are good people and good men at that. People seemed extra kind, polite, good natured and pleasant, plain good manners. One of my highlights was walking in Kampala town and not being a center of attention. Even the Caucasian people were practically invisible. People just mind their own business. Ida and I were awed at how nice it was to be around such good natured, good looking and love-able people. Am back in Cairo, its good to be back because then I can continue work and school.The Pharmacy guy downstairs missed me, he wondered where I had been, dude it was only two weeks- makes me feel like I am often at the Pharmacy. My bowab asked me whether I was here to stay...oh my Cairo men! and the vegetable seller at the market had the biggest 2010 smile for me, he even let me buy a bag of vegetables for three pounds less than he charges me. The chicken seller let me take the chicken ten pounds less and said I could bring it later. Cairo, you do not seem so dodgy after all! I am trying to finish some research work that keeps me on my toes, this semester am going to be Dr. Hani's Teaching Assistant. Am kind of looking forward to this as I need the money. My thesis proposal was approved today and am excited. Waiting queasily to start interviews. I miss Milton, so much! sometimes it feels like there is a deep hole in my heart, other times I smile knowing God knows best. In the midst of all the pain and distance, I know he cares even more than we do and I know he is aware of each of our needs. But truth be told some days its not as logical as today. Yet I will wait.

Is it time?

I don't know what I want to do with my life. At 31 I have had a brain block. I have just started writing my Masters Thesis and found out that the one thing in life I never really want to do is research.The methodology sections is too uncreative and too standardized for me. Anyway, I am have an interesting break through right now. Hoping that in a few weeks I will be out of here finding data and writing till I drop. For some reason I have baby desires... I want a baby so bad. Maybe that just might be my next project. I watched Meghan, Mallory and their mom sitting on a couch and wondered what it would be like to have my own children. Gosh how I want children of my own. I want to watch them grow,love them, train them and see them achieve their dreams. I am so daydreaming. Maybe it's having Peresi pregnant, Susanna with a baby, Kanta with a second child, Stella with one, Jojo and now Molly! Gosh everyone around me is having babies.... is it my time? Help me differentiate between peer pressure and my own time. Okay this is it, if Milton mentions it, then maybe it will be it. That's my cue Lord.