Back from Alex

'We break the world, now we repare it.' Got back from Alexandria last night, had a great time walking and chilling by the meditarranean sea. Alexandria is a clean small town and very much like Brighton, Portland and Mombasa, it has a seaside town feel to it, people seem laid back and friendly.Nothing seems to fuss anyone. Kenya and I slept in for hours on end and talked till the birds started singing. we drank so much Turkish coffee and ate sea food. We went to a cafe for dessert on saturday night and sat there till past midnight, we had a German/ Egyptian man worshiping because our skin to him is 'active' apparently he had a Nigerian girlfriend in the past and he loves black woman. Now, now. We had quite a few stalkers, men who would follow us and trying to woo us am sure they were all just hoping we would take them to our hotel room. I wonder why people think girls cant just be on holiday by themselves and not want a man, I got quite put off by the stalking and sometimes we just could not relax and enjoy the sea or weather or walk because we were cautious of some guy following us and suggesting inappropriate things. We generally had a fab time and laughed so hard and walked miles to the point that my ab muscles are stretched. We stayed at Ramsis Hotel which was lovely and had a fantastic view of the sea, on the train back we slept. Met up with Tiffany for dinner at a Syrian restaurant in Mohandiseen. Syrian bread is great, I prefer it to Yemeni bread.... found a new love! Ahmed, Tiffany's Syrian friend invited us to Tea and dessert at his house and that was fun, being exhausted we stayed a for a short while and we all headed home desperate for a shower and sleep.... now back to studying, focus group interviews and thesis work...

"A legal borderland filled with spectral violence, a space packed with people and yet profoundly empty of its humanity." Carruthers (Between Camps:Eastern Bloc 'Escapees' and Cold War Borderlands)

more chocolate & a hankering for Alex

Am abusing chocolate, I feel for me and for it, I guess when we abuse food it's never as satisfying because it is meant to be savored; hence our constant want for more. I have just eaten six fox's chunkies and they were delicious but they help me forget things I want not to recall...and now I loathe them. Anyway, I am going through that time of the month when my moods are all over the place. I wish I could gather them all in one basket, too much loss of self control, food urges and cravings - all too disturbingly evil. Sat with Wendell(one of my African American friends) on the bus to the New Campus, we talked about post colonial writers, Mbembe, All Mazrui and a non-one , Cornell West. I want to read 'race matters' its a book! I did not know. Anyway we talked about Uganda and Alexandria and he wants to come to our trip to Alexandria this weekend. Apparently him and Gamil Nkrumah (Kwame Nkrumah's son) are starting up a black community as they sense a need to start a Pan-Africanist space for people to get involved and also help create an African perspective in the Ignorant Egypt. Yesterday I made raisin cake and had Kenya and Tiffany over, we talked about men, Baha'i faith, race and countries. It was kind of interesting to hear the African American perspective on life in America and the world. Oh, how could I forget we talked about Dave Chapelle and Tiffany has met him, she said he is such a lovely person and friendly. am so full of chocolate, hence my incoherence... looking forward to the weekend away, am in desperate need of a break, Alexandria here we come!!!

To be known and to Know

I avoid eye contact a lot, more than a normal person. Maybe its a Ugandan thing coupled with a phobia for Arab men, I have no idea why, but I know that I avoid eye contact. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul- meaning I never let anyway into my inner self, Its the part of me that is so afraid, deep and intimate, its a part of me where I can be understood for who I am, the part where I am free to be whatever and whoever, where I am messed up and yet longing to be whole, the part where I can just be Deborah in all my graces and disdains. I yearn to be known and to know... and just maybe I need to be more messed up before I can step up

Always be pure, simple and honest- Yogi Kava Tea

Reflecting...

I have been thinking how I have never really let anyone in, I know and I know that Mcdreamy is not for real, I know that he is just but an act, yet I am so sure a man can be that sensitive and a relationship can be as deep as Derek's and Meredith's. As I was saying,I have been doing some serious reflection and have realized that I have not really let anyone into my life, as deeply as I want to. I am a guarded, twisty, damaged and messed up individual who has often thought she was simple, but am complicated, even for myself. I don't know where to start disentangling what is so entangled in my life, I don't trust anyone enough to allow myself to be, I want to, trust me I do. Why is it so hard for me and so easy for some people? What is it in my childhood that made me so twisty? I cant quite place a finger to anything right now, but maybe I should do some more digging...from what I remember, I have always been afraid that my dad will die and leave me all alone, I have always been afraid of loss. My Mom says as a five year old I was so afraid when my dad got involved in an accident, I though he was going to die and I could not stop crying. How could I be so aware of death at five years old?

There is no compromise in God's purpose.

Vows

Am holding you to your vows, you took vows ‘for better or for worse’ And if you leave now you will find yourself very hurt and will never Find a woman committed to her vows as much as I am. I will Stand by my vows and I will hold you to yours.- Paraphrased from Bailey

Made for you, Watermark

You should know by now But I know I need to tell you how I don't always have the words So I pray that it's my heart you've heard I love to hear your heart Telling of your love Telling me you'll stay (forever) I thank you for your touch And for loving me this much To say the things I need to hear... Remember I promised forever Life brings change But my promise is the same And through these years we've been together Life has made us grow But through it all I know No matter what may come My heart was made for you forever I need to confess It's hard to show my weakness I want so much to show You strength Without revealing everything You know what I always say, "When you're weak, you're strong, to me" It's another way of loving me 'Cause when I see your heart, I get carried through The reasons why I fell in love with you... You've dreamed with me Every dream came true You've shared with me every emotion Every tear, every loss, every road that we have crossed I have always found a home in you...

Covenant requires transparency, you can not consummate a marriage covered.Covenant can not be cut without investment, one has to give up for the other so that the two can become one. T.D. Jakes

You raise them like children, some of them grow up, make mistakes and disappoint you. You raise them like children and they grow up and some of them act just like you.

When we betray each other the path to recovery becomes unclear. Kristina Yang

musings

Mistakes are painful, but they are the only way of finding out who you really are- Danny Dukett Yesterday I had lemon mint juice and chocolate trufle cake with Kenya at Costa, Kenya hhad lemon mint juice and carrot cake. we had a wonderful long chat and that was refreshing, It was so good to have someone to chat with like a sister. Today Meghan, Catherine and I studied at the AUC bookstore, I loved the water fountain, felt like swimming. Class seminar on the securitization of migration was interesting we went on and on over a discussion on race, economics, social and political. The class helps me think, I shared some of my thoughts today and that helped me understand things better, I realize more and more that am comfortable in my skin, that I appreciate being black no matter how much it costs me, the abuse, insults, degradation that it comes with - I am comfortable. Its not what defines me, what defines me is more than my skin color, its who I am as an individual - The person and not the color. We had dinner from Karaz and watched a movie "British Sounds' at Ewart hall. The movie had much to do with migrants and varied peoples, interesting stuff our MRS 570 class should have seen it. Its 2am and I have been watching Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy all over again from two years ago. I need to get serious and sleep, but I have no sleep and I have a headache. Dale called this week, mom called, I sent a letter to Milton, took my laptop for repair, got Dmbek into vocational school, did some interviews, lost some of the ones on my recorder and I applied for my residence visa. Am weary. Guilt never goes anywhere on its own, it brings its friends, doubt and insecurity - Meredith Grey First do no harm, but most of us do harm all the time!

'When our heart is threatened we do two things, its instinct, we cant control it, we either run or we fight' Grey's Anatomy

Someone once said, 'My life and my music are one and the same thing' what is one with my life?

"Once they left their homeland they remained homeless, once they left their state they became stateless; once they have been deprived of their human rights they remained rightless, the scum of the earth" (Hannah Arendt, The Origins of Totalitarianism)

Wife, Student, Teaching Assistant, Research Assistant, & Librarian

All those are the titles I hold at the moment, with a workload heavier than the titles.. Am behind on my interviews for my thesis, much of it is cause am slacking, and that is because UNHCR is so messed up. Anyway just maybe I will make a breakthrough. Spent all weekend in my apartment, studying and watching Grey's anatomy & Big Bang Theory, am quite sure I did one of the two more the other but am not delving or analyzing that now. I had a quiet weekend, really quiet. My phone is not calling out and when someone calls I cant hear them, so I pretty much had no way to contact anyone save talk to Phibs on skype. She is such an uplifter! I just had KFC chicken and a sundae from MacDonald's - its that time of the month when I get dodgy cravings. Am sure to wake up tomorrow and wonder why on earth I ate that stuff, but hey for what its worth, I enjoyed it. Am feeling weighed down right now by the research project am doing for the Ford Database, I cant seem to find information on refugees and migration in Oman, Qatar and United Arab Emirates - am nor surprised, who the heck goes to Oman or Qatar for refuge? Teaching Assistant begun, have not yet got my workload, getting it this week and am already freaking out. Being a wife, is kind of easy from a distance, just keep up the friendship and the wifey thing follows... am learning to be patient. Some people would say am running away from something with the workload I have, I would say i sure need it right now. It helps the days go by, yet am so desperate to live life. I want to be less on my toes and more on my feet, I want to smile more and hang around people more. I want one job and my own free time. I want to finish school and live!

My roommate just locked me in the apartment, we have a messed up lock and I have told her several times not to lock the door cause once you lock it with a key it wont open from the inside. Apparently this morning she locked it with a key because she said it had refused to shut and she would have had to leave it open, so her decision was to lock me inside as though I had nothing to do today outside the flat. I called Sam my Iraqi workmate who also lives on my building but he was at work and graciously accepted to come and open the door for me. I had to throw the key out on the street to him and buy him lunch after that on our way to work. I considered throwing her out because I do not quite understand her trend of thought, maybe its just my hormones right now but truth be told I think some of it is real. so much for today!

I love Egypt, its 9am and families are rushing to church for a wedding ceremony. I have to meet my landlord every 1st of the month to pay my rent; he insists that I meet him after his bible study or service at his church which is 10 minutes away from my apartment. Today while I was waiting for him, I had the pleasure of watching a bride sitting in a wedding decorated car with a few females around it, smiling and taking pictures. She was waiting for the time to get in and have her wedding ceremony. At a five minutes past 9pm she was told it was time and came out of the car ready to meet her groom. As she walked into church I could not help but think of how amazing and different cultures are. In Uganda no one is allowed to get married past 6pm something to do with state policies....hmmmw wherever that came from? Anyway somehow the whole night wedding makes sense to me. its the going to church with babies and littluns that makes me wonder what time school begins, but then again who set children's bedtime? As I walked back to my flat, I enjoyed watching the full moon, with so much sadness in my heart, I wanted to cry. People say when you feel like crying, just cry. But what if I am way too tired of crying and I have had enough? what if crying only makes me sad? I am resisting it, I want to yet I know it wont help to cry, not today. Off to study now....