Deborah's Career Mantra

“I am for truth, no matter who tells it. I’m for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I’m a human being, first and foremost, and as such I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.” – Malcolm X

You are not ready for what I have to offer…

He said. She said. The things people say. The things people mean. The things people say. I asked my roommate if she thought I was a player. Her answer, “oh please!” So I took it to mean that I was not. Yet I can’t seem to make the big decision. It’s either going to be for the long-haul or nothing at all. So when they came along and I did not commit, it is because I did sense that they were not ready. Maybe more like not worth what I had to offer. He said I was too serious. He said I was too ambitious. He said I was a complicated woman. I am not fussed. Thing is the things people say are many times said to achieve their own ends. Sometimes the things people say are not the things people mean. I could fall in love with you. I could make a home with you. I could even decide to have three children instead of two with you. I go in for the long haul. But I will not make the decision to because you are not ready for what I have to offer.  You live your life the way you want to. And I will live mine. Somewhere, someday we shall both find them who are ready for what we have to offer. Excerpt from ‘Deep Inside’

Lessons so far

• ·         That God is REAL. I experience God in everything I do – not a cliché
• ·         That there are lessons in life not mistakes
• ·         That my desires, questions and thoughts are worth sharing because through this I understand situations.
• ·         That speech is unique to mankind so I need to speak up and speak out for myself first
• ·         I have learned what it means to fight for the rights of others
• ·         I learned that I am not a follower of my destiny but the author
• ·         That everyone is God speaking – I need to listen
• ·         I have learned that people respond to the energy we give out  and that people treat me the way I treat myself
• ·         That I have no tolerance around and for negative energy
• ·         I am worth the very best,  am beautiful, intelligent and unique
• ·         That my marital experience is not about men – it’s about what God wants me to learn
• ·         That  men are not beasts and cheats nor are they the enemy. People merely make decisions to lead their lives the way they want
• ·         I am not responsible for anyone but myself
• ·         That my parents are my best friends
• ·         I have learned that good, funny, intelligent and loyal friends are worth the investment
• ·         I have learned that grad school has been worth it
• ·         I have learned that I can live anywhere on this continent because it’s all about the attitude I master
• ·         I have learned that confidence is imperative
• ·         I have learned that I can be a hard worker
• ·         I have learned that my body is the one thing I am given in this life, it needs to be loved, cherished and treated with respect
• ·         I have learned that I can say NO  as an expression of love towards  others and myself
• ·         I have learned what  it means to have complete freedom in Christ
• ·         I have learned to appreciate the dignity of the person – knowing that even if we do not agree on spiritual, racial or political matters we have a contribution to make in each other’s lives
• ·         I have learned that it is okay to be me
• ·         I am worth every good thing on earth, travel, fancy restaurants, choosing a flight over the Amtrak
• ·         I have learned what it means to have faith and chillax
• ·         I have learned that I can exploit my creative talents and be resourceful
• ·         I have learned that I love good hotels and never quite complain when I miss a flight and end up at the Continental, Marriott or  the Imperial
• ·         I have learned that I am a crazy nomad
• ·         I have learned that there are places and people on this continent that can feel like home
• ·         I have learned that gun shots, Molotov cocktails and tear gas do not scare me anymore
• ·         I have and am still learning to be true to my passions, feelings, fears, intuition, morals and hopes
• ·         I have learned to be gentle with myself when I make it and when I do not
• ·         I have learned that gratitude is a kicker!
• ·         I have learned what real love is.
• I have learned that there is no limit to what I can think, dream and do

Lessons from Flying

In the past seven months I have taken 17 flights from one destination to another and am tired. I just read a story of a CEO of a company in America who flies 340 days of the year. I would be messed up. However, I got time to reflect during this flight on the things about flying that I enjoy and dread.

I used to wonder how some ladies did it when they entered the plane in heels. Well, today for the first time in my life I flew in heels – ruby red ones and a long dress all made up as if I was on my way to some corporate meeting. I like to think that my student days are over and it’s time to shape up :). It feels really good to wear high shoes again. I like being tall. Am sure someone somewhere wondered how I could do this. She’ll probably be doing it sooner than she thinks! I think that if my shoes are not comfortable for doing all the things I do, then I might as well just get rid of them. These ones have passed the test.

One of the things I enjoy most about flying is taking off. The effect of soaring up so high is amazing. I still marvel at this invention. After takeoff I can’t stand the transition to balance. You know that time when the plane is trying to stabilize and it lowers itself as though it’s going to drop. My heart often drops at this point and it’s not a funny feeling. I like to think it’s like most transitions in life. That finding balance is often one of the most uncomfortable experiences. There is fear, uncertainty and dread. Sometimes it’s as if everything is going to sink down low. But after stability is gained, I enjoy the flight. Well almost until the turbulence. I was recently telling a friend of mine who just cannot get herself to fly that turbulence reminds me to trust in God more than anything. Before you get into a plane you know you can control some things around you. When you get into an airport your life is in the hands of immigration, homeland security and the flight staff. Everything you do is more or less rules that are required for one’s safety and for the flight to go well. When in flight I like to think God becomes the reality. Turbulence reminds me that no matter how much I scream, push my ear plugs in and wimp, there is nothing I can do about the situation but go through it. This is when my trust in God becomes real. I normally say prayers with an attitude I never have anywhere else. I can’t even call it passionate praying. You know the kind of prayers that are heavy laden with fear and fright all in one.

Today, I pulled down my window when the plane was changing direction towards our destination. It almost felt as if we were going to do a somersault thing. I pulled that little window down again when we were slowing down to land and the pilot just kept on slowing at what appeared to be a lake right below the plane.  Of course I had no view of the airport so I just kept imagining us landing on the expanse of water.

The landing is often loud; with tires pulling out of their hiding spot, wings coming up and touching down is no gentle kiss. This I am used to. It’s transitioning to being back on the ground that unnerves me all over again. That time when the plane is slowing down yet speeding at the same time. I guess my mind just starts wondering what would happen if the brakes fail. We will just ram into a highway or some water body or just crash. Transitions are generally uncomfortable and this I know for sure. I was once in an almost plane crash. This is for another time or maybe later when I feel like writing about it. These things put together never scare me from flying. In fact I never think of them until they start to happen.

I am starting to think that relationships in life and flying require the same attitude. When you get together  the hope is to make it work. So you make plans, you make a home and you go for it. I do not know anyone who takes a flight thinking just in case we crash, let me wear these shoes, they’ll help me swim better or walk a long distance if we land in a forest. People often make plans for what will happen when they get to their destination. I must say it’s not only marriage, its life in general. It’s about hope. Hoping that you will wake up and do all you want to do. And so as I enter a new year with so much more travel ahead of me. I am learning to trust that God has my life in his hands. That my hope in Him making my life full of purpose and greatness should be a constant.

Espérer

I do not know why I smile or why my heart is full of positive expectation. I can only say I am in a good place. You know that place where you are uncertain about what tomorrow brings but still you smile. I used to think hope was one of those dangerous places where if you went to, you would only come back with dashes. Hope is that place of uncertainty, just like patience is never waiting. Is it a double entendre or maybe just paradoxes? I do not know if I know for sure that what I said yesterday is going to come true. I can only pray it does. You know why? Because for some reason, a learned reason I have stopped abusing commas. I have learned to look at those experiences that made me feel dirty as lessons. I realize the possibilities in every day. And I know that I know that I want to say that I have not met you yet. Yet I also want to believe that I have met you and that with you comes a world that continues with hope. Hope for a better me. Hope for a better you. Hope for a better world. Hope. This place that does not suck. Do I sound like I have echolalia when I talk about hope? Maybe I do. Yet I also know that when you hear about how I found that place of hope, then you might understand why I tend to repeat that word. - Excerpt from 'Deep inside'