Quote of the Week

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." – The Alchemist

la carte de la vie

He walked into my room today and said I must be bored because I was watching Def Poetry. I like Def Poetry. I love Poetry in general. Why do we sneer at people when they are taken up with what we do not fancy. Anyway so I smiled. Said I liked poetry. Have you ever wondered what road in life you are going down? I just finished reading Son of Hamas by Mosad Hassan Youssef intriguing life story with consequences so veridical makes one quiver. For the past six months every week or morning I wake I realize that my road is getting narrower - literally and metaphorically. Less people understand me. I am the odd one out in almost all my friendships. One day someone is so dear and the next day when they are gone, I can live without them. Someone once said it’s a great day when you meet your ex and feel nothing. I think it’s frightening. Frightening that there could be so much passion and hope one day and the next – pure abysm. Is our humanity so mercurial?

My Cameroonian friend and I were talking about his now and then Kyana* who I have met several times but never quite remember her name. I told him he should never marry because I never seem to recall her name even though he reminds me now and gain. I even added that this could be a sign. He said she is the only person he could think of marrying at the moment. One month they are in touch another they are out of touch. It’ an international relationship you see. He said they use themselves for cushion and comfort. I did not ask what this meant. I want to synthesize it myself. An American friend has this on his Facebook status update: Tell someone you love them today because life is short. Also, yell at someone in German because life is terrifying and confusing.

Last week I met a man who makes my heart turnover when he smiles. He is not the man for me yet my heart does things around him, my stomach knots and I want to grab the handles on his wheel chair run away with him and never look back. I attended the Regina mosaic you see. Found the Caribbean one most exciting I must admit it’s a normal human need to be around people who look like you. It gets awfully exhausting to always be the odd one, to stand out, to be different. One of my closest friends wrote me a letter yesterday she said I was born intense. You have to understand she has known me since I was three and I have known her since she was born. She did not shock me per se, she only confirmed some of the things I have been finding out about me. When I read a book, I go all out: make notes and have to find something to draw and walk away with. It’s almost as if I want to waste no minute of my life. Yet one can never be too careful – like when I spent a couple of hours watching The Woman in Black – Those are two hours of my life I will never get back.

After making more than 160 job applications with no job offer I have to admit I am in a dark place. Homeless, jobless and penniless: The less becomes more as the days go by.  A man I admire once said, Lovers meet in dark places and God orders yours steps in crises and dilemma. Maybe the man whose smile makes my heart turnover is the dark lover? He speaks French – I always wanted to end up with a man who speaks one of the major UN languages. Ah, but lists! The past five months of my life back in the States have been packed with lesson after lesson, from finding me to finding my talents to my purpose. You know how Jakes always says, everything happens when you find your purpose and nothing happens until you do. On this narrow and dark road I have finally come to know who I am – what I want – where am going. Nothing is clear but I have some sort of road map. I lost my faith into the journey; I remember the days I refused to pray because I hated to cry. Every time I tried to talk to God I cried so much and I stopped praying, believing was too painful it was easier to just take one step at a time. Prayer would give me hope I feared to hang on. I wrote to my sister telling her I had lost my faith. She felt the same way. Nostalgia for the days when I had a childlike faith is setting in. You know that faith that believes with a smile as opposed to tears? Where is it? I feel it close yet I am almost afraid to stretch out because for some reason it might be an illusion.  

* Kyana - Luganda for girlfriend

From Hi Love to Hello there ...

Dear Friend,

BABY!!! You are going to be a mother of two. Why do you think I do not want children? I have decided that I will only bring a child into this world when I meet a man worthy of me. Am I thinking too highly of myself?

I thought I came across as an observer of the world rather than one who is participating in various faiths as an expression of worship to God. I have had the privilege of getting to know people from the Jewish faith, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu and I had a roommate once who was an atheist – I must say not all of them are the same. I do not generalize. Yet I believe that there are people from all faiths who have a deep and personal relationship with God and I cant stand anyone who does the pointing finger. Who are we to judge? As an individual I always come back to Jesus – whatever it is I always come back to Jesus – I believe that Jesus came and manifested himself to a particular society to show the rest of us how to live life as a way to worship to God. I do not believe in the reference to the Universe as God – because I believe God created the Universe and I have no business having faith in the creation as opposed to the creator.

A deal breaker (in my view) is any faith that expects me to live by rules. I do not believe in rules, I believe as Paul did that in Christ we have absolute freedom there is no set way to do things but to live in perfect alignment with our faith and conscience. If nothing we do is not in faith and in alignment with our conscience - which of course is pre-determined to be in alignment with God’s when we allow him to be God in our lives – this is sin.

On your observation about nothing Godly coming from here, I think a lot of this has to do with the wide media coverage of everything that goes on in the global North however I think there is as much ungodliness in the rest of the world and we just do not get to hear much about it.

So my dear you should not be worried that I am taking on ecumenical adventures – these are merely observations.

Coelho - when I read Coelho I feel like I have found my soul mate. You should look up his history. One of the things I have learned about myself is that I think in straight lines, I wish I could say there are grey areas in life – but I can’t. Everything we do does not just happen there is always a context and so things only make sense to me when I know the roots.  I realize that he had to do so much soul searching to get to where he is and his books represent his journey in life. I find it very impressive yet I also look at witchcraft as the soul’s desperate need to touch the supernatural. I know it’s one of those experiences I have never and will never have the inclination of exploring (at least I can attest to being more in tune with who I am) but Coelho forced me to understand why people do it.  I think it has a lot to do with control, power and fear – everything away from what Jesus came to show us. I found Brida quite deep sort of like a soul searching guide.

So if is all over, our letters to each other used to start with 'Hi Love' Now its hello There. There is so much told in avoiding a name. Its almost as if he is doing all he can to make me invisible. As if I never was. 

I remember the time when he was my world and I wanted him to fight for me so bad. I still hoped. It’s funny, I had slight inklings of hope and fantasy that he would fight but after seeing the end of it all in an email a couple of days ago, I must admit my faith is pretty dead on this.

You have to tell your mother for me, I am not sure I can talk about it with anyone from scratch again. No energy for this anymore. It drains me. I still cry. Not as much as I used. As the years go slowly by I think the memory fades. The pain not so much, do you think I’ll ever heal? I distrust every man I meet who fancies me. 

I never meant to end on this note. Bummer!  Now it’s all on you to worry and feel sorry for me :(

Love

Me