A girl in love with a dream

According to Megsies it is official that I am emotionally oblivious when a man is attracted to me.  I want to tell her it’s a subconscious protective mechanism. Yet part of me is hoping that I can end the denial of my emotional stunted-ness. Am listening to ‘you got me’ by Whitney Houston and in my world I want someone to make those words come alive.  I have been singing ‘I wanna dance with somebody’ all week. My favorite part of this song is the part that says, “I wanna feel the heat with somebody’ – this is the real part of the song for me.  I feel those words as though they are a minute away from coming to life.  So Sandma and Megsies were telling me off for being so blind today while on our day trip to North Dakota. For a moment the thirty three year old in me felt like a naïve piece of humanity.

Am starting to believe that this stunted-ness is a perfect explanation to why I have intense crushes on celebrity men who are as far as far can be. For a time I really did think that Tyler Perry was the one. I still do. Depending on my mood, my hope of Tyler surfaces as nothing I have felt before. Then it was Ed Norton. My crush went as far as downloading all the movies Ed has featured in. I watched them all. My theory of rewarding myself after a hard day’s work in graduate school was to watch a movie. I am ashamed to say how much of Hollywood entertainment I have seen in the past two years. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Blame it on the internet.  Recently it’s been Simon Baker. I have watched ‘Something new’ over eight times in less than two months. This is precisely three weeks. At the moment I am religiously following the Mentalist featuring Simon’s less sexy side.

One of my friends believes I have an addictive personality. I agree only because this is an excuse for not drinking alcohol, taking weed and having un-marital sex (is there such a thing?  Language is dynamic).  I could have just called it uncommitted sex. I used to stilt my tongue every time I had to explain to people why I did not want to drink alcohol. When I was in grad school and had to say no to weed and or sex my explanations appeared unfounded. Now I just have to say, ‘I have an addictive personality.’ You should see people’s reactions to this. Some people scramble to take away anything I might use to harm myself. Others apologize profusely for tempting me. Someone yesterday told me, ‘That is the beginning of dealing with the problem. Accepting it!” Those who know me will often say the most irritating thing, ‘No you do not! You drink wine!’  What the heck. Who said drinking a splash of wine in Coke or Sprite is taking alcohol? And when I use alcohol to cook that has nothing to do with drinking it. I am quite sure it evaporates while cooking. Today I used Jamaican rum and brandy to cook a chicken curry – that was amazing!

Back to my crushes: I can’t say I had a crush on Monk in Monk. I watched that show with such devotion because for some reason he is so much like my father. I love my father. On and off I get affectionate feelings for Shemar Moore in Criminal Minds. If there is someone who turns me on as much as Simon Baker, it’s Shemar Moore. Why oh why? Now you probably think I have lost it. I also have some dodgy intimate feelings for Isaiah Washington. My most recent, now as I write is of the Latino Doctor in Private Practice. I want him for myself, why does Addison always get the most fantastic men?

The one thing about Addison that I admire is that she does not have walls. She is as open as those encyclopedias’ you find placed on a pulpit at the entrance of a library. No protection around that heart. Whatever she feels she does. Whatever she wants she asks for. No holds. Chipmunk has been telling me about being open enough to allow. Does this mean I have to end my celebrity crushes? This is a tough call. Those crushes are fun. I am no stalker, just a girl in love with a dream.