What I really want to say...

I loved you with a careless naïve sort of love. With reckless abandon I loved you.  I am not sure you ever loved me back the same way. Or does that even ever happen? So right now I do not give a damn whether you care about this relationship or not. I just want out! I care less and less what you think of me. I want to sound nice. I want to be nice. But nice just died on me. It came and went with naivety. I lost my innocence when I hurt.  I let you hurt me because I let myself trust   you. I am pounding gently on our mahogany table. Well it’s really his, he paid for it. I want to make a scene like they do in the movies. Maybe when I walk out I’ll slum a door for effect.

I am speaking softly. I always wanted to speak this way. I never used to but after living with T for three months I have learned that yelling does not move him. It’s the temperate in my voice that makes him listen. I have a cousin who speaks like this and it’s taken me practically eight years to learn to speak softly. It’s a good thing for times like this. As I catch his attention, he sits upright and I know it’s time to tell him the stages.

In stage one, you hurt so bad and pity yourself. Then in stage two, you hurt and are angry both at yourself and at the person who hurt you. You wonder how naive you could be, maybe even foolish. The healing begins in stage three when you sever the code between you and the other person. Some people call this forgiveness. Others might say its letting go. I want to say this is when I do not give a damn anymore and finally in stage four you  get  in tune with phrases like, ‘once bitten, twice shy,’ and the one that goes, ‘you fool me once…’

No, do not say sorry. It’s all good. You and I fell in love in a hopeless place. Literally. I am just ranting because I practiced this speech for when he returned from his day at the circus. T worked at the circus. Not much can be said of a circus man or she who falls in love with one. I wanted to sound prepared as if whatever happened has been a stepping stone to where I am at this moment. You have to understand not giving a damn about you has saved me so much. My hair has grown four inches more than if I cared. My skin is smooth and my weight is stable. My hormonal balance is as good as balance gets. So no apologies- I am pointing my index finger at T- you and I are not good for each other. We both want different things in life. I am feeling snarky when I say this, because I know he is burning with regret. But I continue to sound nice, I want to sound genuine. But there is a thin line between being genuine and being sarcastic – at least for me. I am playing spider solitaire as I say all this. In honesty I really do not give a damn. He broke my clay pot; the one L gave me so I would always think of him when I looked at it. I wanted to be a little crasser, maybe even curse at him. I just can’t get myself to do it even when am all alone. I think my guardian angels sure do not like such words. I continue – I know that the decisions we have both made are for the best. I wish you all the best in life. I can’t say.  ‘I wish you peace, fun and love’ – no that’s wishing too much for such a soul. What I really want to say is, ‘I wish you could have your gizmos injured so bad that they fall off.’ Or something like, ‘I hope you live to regret every day of your life for not fighting for me.’ Even more I want to say that, ‘my sister wishes for you to get lice in your privates and your hands grow shorter so that you cannot scratch when you itch.’ You should meet my sister. She is an intelligent soul with overflowing wit. Instead I look up from my game, smile and say, ‘I have to go now.’ Three months, was this all? Why am I acting like it was years we had together. I barely even took my top off. Once or twice I must admit I showed a nipple or two.

I have barely moved an inch when he opens his mouth. His lips are not as attractive as I thought they used to be. Am just human, we humans make 340 degree turns, watch the point we left off from a distance of 20 degrees and nothing is ever the same again. T asks if he can tell me about how much he will miss me. I look at him for about a minute before I respond. For a moment it feels like I am at a visitation in a mental institution. He asks again. I reply, ‘If you want to tell me so that I know what is going on with you as friends would do, do not bother; I do not care at all. However if you want to tell me for therapy, you will be wasting your time because I will walk away and you will be wasting your own time since I do not give a damn. If you want to tell me so that I can be happy for you, I still do not give a damn.’ He looks at me with empty eyes and finally I can see he gets the point. Sometimes you have to be mean to be nice. So maybe I am being nice after all.

I shut my computer and walk away. I wanted to be nice. No what I really wanted was to be really mean for this one time. I am always nice, even though not many people I know think so. I do not look back. I just recently learned that looking back means I am interested in you.