Simon Webbe - Seventeen

Seventeen, I was living life Chasing dreams and my hopes were high Trying to get around my fear of When and where do I go from here I asked somebody close to me Who could see a lot further than a boy could see Oh, oh, oh and he said... Oh my, oh my, oh my these days are flying by I still feel seventeen inside, not one day over Don't let the trials of life, change who you are tonight Stay seventeen each time you get one year older I said you're at that time of life when your heart is strong Your future's bright, you can do no wrong And don't you let those feelings out of sight Keep a hold of them as the years go rolling by These words have always stuck with me But now I'm only getting what it all appears to mean Oh, oh, oh and he said... Oh my, oh my, oh my these days are flying by I still feel seventeen inside, not one day over Don't let the trials of life, change who you are tonight Stay seventeen each time you get one year older He said...my years have come and gone, in oh such little time And I hope you live your life the way that I lived mine Stay young at heart, stay young in mind So I said... Oh my, oh my, oh my these days are flying by I'm still seventeen inside, not one day over I won't let the trials of life, change who I am tonight Stay seventeen each time you get one year older One year older, one year older oh my oh my oh my oh my So stay seventeen each time you get one year older

Enough

Some man just had the nerve to tell me," I like you and I want my body inside yours." eeeuww what a thing to say to someone you do not know full well. I figure that people should learn not to say everything that comes to mind, if we all did that folly would be sold for a pence in the market place. There is certainly wisdom in discretion. Today I have a bad taste in my mouth, D wants to be here for me, A called and thinks am distressed, okay yeah I did sound distressed yesterday but that has passed- well sort of. I have not been outside since friday evening and its monday, I dont want to go out... but I have to at some point, I did go to the shop just now, got some drinks but there is still a bad taste in my mouth. Lord help me, I have not yet sent Milton's email, but I will. I need a few days to think things through, but I feel like its been a few hours of receiving his decision and am already looking into PHD schools, just written to a potential Advisor and hoping that I can actually make it to NUI. I look forward to teaching some day soon and hope that I can get to travel much. Chatted with Ida today, she is in Congo and am so happy for her. She is pleased said its the best thing to have happened to her in so long. She deserves it. I cant wait to look for Universities in Ethiopia, Madagascar and Angola, I want to go some place where I can learn French or Portuguese... maybe I will end up in Seychelles after all! Okay time to write my final paper, have done too much mourning, dillydallying and PHD searching... now its time to work hard for the future.

Letting go of Pain

Reflections from David G. http://www.chopra.com/library/med7 The body is our subconscious mind containing all our memories in a code that transcends language, Martha Graham the body never lies it says what words cant and by listening to its wisdom we can gather valuable clues that will issue us into emotional freedom. Pain and discomfort are a sign that am holding onto something that no longer serves me. Have I been holding onto a relationship that I should have let go a while ago, am I holding onto something that holds me down, and represses me. What am I carrying around with me that I should have let go… my body shows this in my upper shoulders, every time I have been there I get out looking older sadder, and uglier. It is the hurting that hurt others, those who hate themselves that want those around them to hate themselves. Each of us have at last one area where we need to find forgiveness in someone else; we need to cut the code that so unnecessarily connects us to the creator of the pain. When we forgive we move from victim to transcender, from blamer to acceptor, from weakened state to empowered state. What I need to do is not run from this dark hour, embrace it, accept the greatest thing I have feared- pain, accept that I have failed, feel the ache and the weakness, looking into the eyes of the person I associate this pain with. When we forgive us free ourselves from the tie that binds us to those who have hurt us, we have the key to open the door. When I choose not to forgive someone I choose to drink poison so that they will die, when I choose not to forgive only I know, forgiveness of others is pure bliss, because there is nothing connecting us to those that hurt us. The essence of responsibility is recognizing that regardless of what has happened in our lives up until now, we are capable of making new choices that can improve our situation, and we have the ability to respond in creative ways that allow for something new to emerge, for healing to unfold.

Pain frees weakness

After watching Ninja Assassins (I know it’s just a movie) yet the concept of pain freeing weakness is evident and is emulated in life. During and after a painful experience, expectations of people are lessened leading to an acceptance, rather than a tolerance of what relations with other human beings should be. Panic and weakness become foreign and a restful attitude towards life becomes the norm, sometimes though one can become aggressive, sad and withdrawn then you know pain has not finished its work. The human being becomes aware that the weakness in him or her is but the weakness in another and in our frailty, in our imperfection and the chaos of life, we are mortal and we fail. It could be a tear drop or a tear but truly, tears and tears make us stronger. There were times she sthought the tears would never stop flowing after so much crying how could there be so much water, but pain sears and cuts so deep. She wished she could forget, forget the memories the sad ones, and so she tried. Holding onto the good ones, yet there were times when the bad ones was so alive, so out there blurring the path she was on. A crisis of belief, she thought. How does anyone move on in the midst of all this? How does anyone let go and let love? How does anyone not allow this to come between her and those she loved? She asked the questions the tears said let go, hurl it out there and give them a second chance, some needed third and nth chances. She knew, she was never perfect herself, but she tried, tried to be all that was true. And then the day came when she realized that this pain was limiting her dreams and expansions, it was the weight that she carried even when she did not want to. And she hurled it, not at once, oh that would be unrealistic! But she started to let it go, to pay service to her own future and let go. Because letting go is the currency we pay for a bright future. Pain said, ‘life goes on and it is worth living, suicide is no option, but to fight and keep going is all that counts.’ As human beings our frailties are much more evident in relationship, and even though we hurt each other, nothing can damage relationships beyond what we allow. But what is most certain is after pain, weakness becomes unnecessary, the notion that “this too will pass” becomes a motto, not in phrase but in actions, in a sense “Taking a lesson from the ocean. Hurl some things away from you and bring others to you, and when all else fails…just go on.” - end- We spent the day learning and admiring Islamic art, I appreciate it, yet I have issues with concepts of the Islamic faith, I want to under stand it fully and look at it from the eyes of one who reads and knows the Qu'ran rather than pick out excerpts from the beliefs of the book. Several of my friends are Muslims, expected – being in a Muslim country, it is illegal for me to start trying to covert anyone to my faith- which is not really my job, I can influence and water and plant but its only God who makes things grow, I find so many of my Muslims friends devoted to reading, mediating and memorizing , Their devotion is so much as some Christians, sometimes I find Christians as extremely religious as Muslims, In a conversations with of my friends recently I share my faith in terms of relationship rather than religion, going to church and doing good things does not make me a Christian, what makes me a Christian is my faith in God, religion is about doing relationship is about being and that is who I am, I am in relationship with God and that to me is not subscribing to religion. Religion is keenly related to categories in humanitarianism, back to my thesis; I can’t seem to help it. When we ‘religize’ situations, concepts and ideas we make categories out of them and then it becomes a whole mess of the same thing. People believing in the same God yet possessing varying ideas on the route to get into a relationship with God. We complicate life when we make it one with hierarchical categories. “Young men averse to toil of body and mind, and too soft to stand up against pleasure and pain are mere idlers’- Roués/ Plato: Went to the 8th floor for refuge as my roommate was having an Italian lesson in our tiny little flat, even being in my room feels like am interfering. So anyway we get into this conversation about gays, someone mentioned that they would not want to even be a friend to a gay person. I wondered what Jesus would do? Would he hang out with us who are seemingly into relationship with God or with the messed up man down the road and yeah, he did hang out with scoundrels, losers and the cast out. And that am learning is what I should do. Am a firm believer in no coincidences in life, I believe that God has brought me along this path am on for a reason and the people I get to meet are for a reason, they are constantly reminding me what true love is, what friendship is and what relationship means. Am grateful that I can relate.

The heart of the matter- India Arie

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone She said you found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down To the Heart of the Matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore These times are so uncertain There's a yearning undefined ...People filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness They're the very things we kill, I guess Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us, Doesn't keep me warm I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you, Baby The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again I've been tryin' to get down To the Heart of the Matter But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore There are people in your life who've come and gone They let you down and hurt your pride Better put it all behind you; life goes on You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you inside I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore I've been tryin' to get down To the Heart of the Matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore..

Manhattan, Yemeni food & conversations

A second Woody Allan (Manhattan) Night with Annie, Meghan and Kelsy… Yemeni food is always good shared, all food I must say. I was looked over for feeling for George Bush, Meghan thinks am too forgiving, truth is the man is just but human with human failings… and he was in a position of power, misused it and led to millions of deaths. I am sure we could all do that if we were in circumstances where we are exposed to our evil side.

I often think people who do not exercise evil motives, have learnt to be aware of the sensitivity to the human being, a selfless level of attitude and a conscience towards the law. Imagine a situation or position where someone knows full well that they can manipulate the law, Museveni changing the Ugandan constitution, Ghadaffi, Mubarak, George Bush, Hitler, and Bin laden. I think of the greater evils done in society, The Rwanda Genocide, the Jewish genocide, the massive African slave trade, Yugoslavia, and the most recent Darfurian genocide. All these people and more have been able to manipulate the law, killed millions of people and yet the law exists as a way to maintain some moral level in society. Imagine a world without law and norms… we would all be excising evil. And mind you, I am not justifying their acts, am only saying that we all have the potential to be evil and yet we learn and understand what is good and what is bad and we choose, and some choose to be more evil than others and yes, they have to pay for whatever they do but its not our place to point fingers at them and trash them but it is our place to hope and pray that it does not happen again and teach our children what is right and to exercise love for human kind instead of pumping them with wealth and selfishness, that they can not afford to look out for others in the wider picture of the world.

We talked about the Bible earlier on with Meghan and she talked about how it has huge contradictions, honestly speaking, I don’t think the Bible has contradictions, I believe that our interpretations of it can be contradictory especially seeing as we tend to want to analyze things from the way we are raised and brought up. To be honest the Bible is a book about God and his relationship to man, the specific cultures and customs expressed in that time are not of concern to us, I believe the Bible being a book about God revealing himself to man within time and space and that is what we have forever and that is what makes the Bible relevant to us. Am not one to read books and people’s views on the Bible I read the Bible to understand and relate to God I know is for real and who loves me. I read it to get encouragement like Isaiah, David, Paul etc… got. I don’t read with criticism because it’s about my relationship to God, if I want criticism I will get it from analyzing man’s expressions of his mind.

Annie, Meghan, Kelsy and I watched a Woody Allan movie- interesting stuff. Nicole and I chatted in the wee hours of the night while insomnia had taken over at Wust el balad, we chatted for a bit and laughed so. Nicole and I met up at New campus on Wednesday, had coffee, talked and sat on the grass at the AUC campus, gosh that grass is so fake that it has dodgy effects on my skin. I would rather just wait for real grass and enjoy it. Delayed gratification has its place in life. Woody Allan, is a crazy witty man, filled with sarcasm and satire, he is a funny kind of person who finds it hard to enjoy life as so much suffering goes on in the world, he is an illustration of someone who does not pursue materialism in a world so filled with it, he is oblivious of what others feel and imagines he is not, he seems rather nice, but I think selfish to a great extent. He does not live in the moment but through experiences.

The Addiction Am Never Giving Up

Watching lion king clips and listening to amazing jazz and classical music on a Wednesday morning… after spending Friday at a pan African party, had Arabel and Binti sleep over and walk, shop, coffee at Costa and a great laugh with Arabel, while Binti decided she had to get some work done, the two of us were high on something- I should think hormones. We hit Zamalek and bought amazing leather belts, jewelry from Sami Amin. Got body oil, towels of Egyptian cotton and perfumes from Nerfatari- We felt like Nubian Pharonic ladies in waiting. Lunch at Hardees and coffee at Costa with a good laugh and much boy talk. Okay; this is not really what I was planning to say. I have a mass of research work, a 20 page final paper and a thesis to defend and submit all this needs to be done in ten days. What the heck am I doing with my life?

I spent Monday at a most amazing Sudanese concert; I have finally come to the conclusion that no African ethnic group plays better music than the other. On Friday we danced to Lingala, that comes with its own soul, music that no one can really place, in many ways its only the African born that can enjoy lingala- not being racist, I don’t know how anyone else can feel it not even black people from outside Africa, it just has its place in African soil. With the depth of soul and beat to it and the traditional vibes- it’s the music that runs through north to south and east to west, every African appreciates the indecent dancing and pure sensual satisfaction that Lingala gives. its the kind of music you listen to when you are happy and just want to dance it out and also when you are feeling all sexy with a lover! It just does it.

Oh my, this incoherency, it seems like a part of me, my Professors sometime complain about my papers lacking organization, I ram over things like I will loose them and boom, there goes coherency- anyway the world is still a better place without all this perfection that I once thought I could never do without. As I was saying, Monday concert, This famous Sudanese musician IDK was playing Sudanese music which run through my blood like it was the oxygen that kept me alive, and the music was to die for (O Ugandan Phrases!). Apart from having extremely hot men to glare at, with dreadlocks that made me want to spend a day washing and waxing that hair, there was this little boy who I literally wanted to run away with. He was up on stage dancing, and am not talking about the shaking of the body; he had moves… real moves, and curtsied in his own way every time a song ended. I imagined his father was the lead singer. Almost half way into the concert the musician whispered something in his ear and the boy walked off the stage, after about 10 minutes he was back- “No! No! You just can’t keep me away from what makes my heart beat!” am sure that’s what he was thinking. He gives his father a shy side look waiting to be sent back but no, father knows too well, that music in your heart cannot be fought. In less than a minute he was back right where he was before, this time with a host of three sisters who he was showing around the stage.

I was on fire and in awe of the music, Samel and Atif could not stay in their seats, they got up and joined a group of men dancing at the front. It always amazes me how much sexism exists in Muslim countries, even on the stage it was only men, when a few women went up it was foreign women. After a while a few Muslim women in their hijabs joined dancing when the song hit home, a song in Arabic about how Sudan should be one country, united filled with peace. All those with that hope, jumped to agree with the music. Hope, hope- it is a good thing, I hate when it is deferred which is what my pessimistic side tends to imagine at such times. What happens if Sudan goes through 40 more years of war, will it be more songs of peace, or will we just give up an accept it as the fate of Sudan?

I conclude as I listen to a clip of lion king that music has a way of changing things, the way life should be is altered in music. Now I can’t do much but laugh when Timon files Simba’s paws and him and Pumba teach Simba how to eat ants and slimy things. Simba seemingly grows happily living on this… How warped can this be? But that seems to be what was in the story of creation in the bible, we were all (animals & humans) living on vegetables. Now am not really sure where going, but music and its ways am leaves me happy and satisfied in all its various genres, it has a way of consoling me when my thesis situation is in puffs! When I can’t understand Islam, and when the Sahara is blazing hot! I can’t really do much without music, it’s the addiction am never giving up.

Last night I went to a Sudanese concert beautiful, beautiful music... All I want to do is sit down and listen to Sudanese music and just drink lemon juice!!! Anyway I guess that would be the death of my intellectual growth and understanding. Apart from wearing the cloak of modesty today, I enjoyed being with Meghan, Catherine, Sharmarke and Aiman. Aiman loves politics and he is so concerned about the politics of Sudan and how much past governments have done nothing for Sudan, and Bashir has done so much. His analysis is that, Bashir has done a bad thing by pushing America away and this is in itself not right because Sudan will not develop without America and that the government has to start focusing on the welfare of it's nationals. I agree with him on the aspect of caring for the Nationals, I think every state is formed under those auspices and not just for its own selfish ends. My belief though is that most countries today can do without America's aid, we depend on America so much as though it is the mother of wealth, yet America depends on the rest of the world as well in a rather salient way. Maybe we are just a universe of interdependency, but my argument would be that, Sudan maximize its oil wealth by using the help of China , Japan and other African countries, it can start being the provider of oil to Africa and and in that way Africa can start to have interdependence within its states. Now I have bigger issues with the IDP convention, I downloaded it a while ago and just read it yesterday, why on earth do African Nations need an IDP convention, IDPs are internally Displaced people, within the confines of a state, to create a convention for them means in my view to start going towards the direction of dividing up populations and creating categories in a nation. As IDPs, they are still citizens and should be protected by the state. States should work within their borders to create policies that help IDPs resettle in areas where the situation is viable for them. To call African countries to a meeting to create a convention, sounds ridiculous to me. Countries have already ratified conventions that they do not adhere to many times. Why the heck do we have to continue making more laws before we can even grasp what we already have going? IDs are another thing that bothers me about Uganda. Am not sure Uganda even knows why they want a national ID, the excuse is 'it has been so busy to claim Ugandan citizenship.' My response, so what? So what if people become Ugandan national easily- okay maybe not that extreme but I believe like someone once said less governing is better. I cant understand why spend so much money on establishing an ID system when the Karimojongs and the people in the North are still suffering with no place to settle and in need to resources to start life afresh. Beats, beats my understanding

To follow the leader....

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity- Martin Luther King Jr" "Even if i knew the world would go into pieces tomorrow, i would still plant my apple tree"-MLK Jr " el respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz" Benito Juarez, " Wear your crown, its been bought and paid for" -Unkown "Education is the most pwerful weapon we can use to change the world"-Nelson Mandela "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"-Gandhi "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others". Nelson Mandela I detest racialism, because I regard it as a barbaric thing, whether it comes from a black man or a white man. Nelson Mandela

Thesis!!!!

Done with my thesis draft, exicted!!! went out to stella cafeteria with the girls and hang out at Mcdonald's for sundaes and fries which we dipped in ice- cream. coolest thing ever!!! Sent my first draft and I hope I can defend my thesis next week and get done with all this! yay! I cant wait to finish MRS, and then Law will pop its shiny head and show me what much I have to pay to earn knowledge. The work out yesterday with Bianca knocked me out.. I cant walk well and am way too pulled up in my thighs to stretch, I even took a taxi to Talaat harb from Mohamed mahmoud street how sad is that? Anyway I hope I can do it again and maybe then I will be stretched and my muscles will be fit to do any other work out> Efe, called, she thought I was running away from her... I thought she would think that actually.

A day to give thanks

I don't know how anyone survives without God. He has been so gracious to me, I had this meeting with Agnes, and for a while I have been really stressed out about my thesis, not knowing what and doing, where it is heading and stuff like that. My life has been a clear depiction of my thesis, I did not even have a clue of its purpose. Today and the last few days I have been praying hard over stuff and Agnes, encouraged me today that I have a good thesis, if I can only sit down print it out and read it and then come up and gather my thoughts. She will never know how God used those words in her mouth to encourage me, I have just written eight pages straight of a perfect introduction and am writing my conclusion before the birds wake up. I am so excited and am wondering who on earth anyone lives without God being alive and active in their lives. I also went to New campus this morning was there by 8am and worked till 11am in the main library, met up with Nova for lunch at the Saladero bar- that salad is amazing! Mohamed joined us, he is ever so stressed out and in need of help, he feels crashed by work and was wondering whether there is any counseling for students at the UNI, I think I felt like that last semester with three jobs and four classes and a proposal, I almost thought I was losing my head but God is often watching over me and for that I am grateful. I hope Mohamed can experience God in all this stress. Went to Dr. Agnes, talk on the Muslims in the Turkey, she is an extremely coherent and well poised speaker. I think she is also very smart and articulate. Good for her! am glad she is one of my ad-visor's, I have drawn so much from her. Wendell came over to me while I was having lunch and invited me to his birthday party. I would like to go, in fact I think Bianca and I will be going to that, Nicole should come as well, she was ever so kind to me., She helped me find the HUSS building and Agnes office. Meanwhile Bianca and I worked out at the gym today for 2 & 1/2 hours, now that was a real work out. I could barely walk after that, makes me wonder what I have been doing at the gym everyday I go. she is close to a slave driver in her work out training... I need it anyway. Mohamed the gym guy, so has a crash on her! he keeps asking me to take her back and wants her to use this gym instead of the New campus one, heheh! - and so I laugh, we met Mouktar coming out of my building, apparently he was visiting some one on my building, Bianca thinks he has a crash on me.. dodgy stuff, Efe would be balling now and telling me to watch out. Dinner with Bianca, talked deep stuff, I hope she feels better, Prayed together and we parted to do our work, I kind of blacked out after but then woke up after an hour refreshed and am still going , its next day and I am going to stay up until I come up with a conclusion! yay! Knowledge is earned.