The End of an Era

I just made myself a 500g container of Lavender & olive oil body scrub. It smells good. Am looking forward to a year of Sweet Smelling. Usually I try not to make resolutions at the New Year; I used to do that in Youth Group and at Navs. This New Year am not making resolutions just plain goals to achieve every day of my life. I want to embark on healthy eating, since becoming vegetarian my health has greatly improved, I want to focus on eating healthy grains, fruit and vegetables. I will also embark on studying my Bible more, reading for pleasure, Yoga and meditation a lot more than I have done this year. For the past ten days I have not gone to the gym or done Yoga and I feel the effects of it all over my body. I am fainéant and it does not feel good at all. I want to create, make something – this always lightens my mood and makes me smile. I have zucchinis in the fridge; they are going to be turned into Zucchini bread in a couple of hours….the end of the year begins… 

Bianca took me to Maadi for a Facial – My Christmas present. I loved it, the pampering and the cleaning, apparently I have played around with my face a lot in the years gone by, facial lady was not too pleased and she has committed herself to helping me get it back in shape. Last night I went to bed really late, chatting with Mike till the wee hours of the morning, Catherine got back home at about 3am and we just kept going at it. Watching musical clips, Stephen Colbert…. and overslept my appointment with B, which culminated in taking a cab to Maadi, instead of the metro. I can’t even start telling the shock I was in when Bianca called me and I was in bed dreaming that I had met her and we were already on our way to Metro. Got back home, and slept off for a couple of hours with so much strife, woke up made dinner, and watched ‘Wedding Date’ with Catherine over dinner. She brought me lovely presents from Zanzibar, am glad she enjoyed her trip to Kenya. Oh East Africa you hold many memories. I miss you. 

Tonight:  Phillip Matogo sent me the sweetest message, it made me cry. Am thankful for such dear friends! Catherine is off to a party in Zamalek, Meghan, Mallory the Wankel Parents  and I are going to spend New Year’s Night with Mike at his apartment playing cards, talking and reminiscing over the past year. Am talking to my folks tonight, just did actually, talked to some, some did not answer their phones but hey, I love them all. Ida-Marie called me to wish me a happy new year, her and mother often bring tears to my eyes. I need to stop. 

…And of course, I made the Zucchini Bread, fed it to Catherine and Bianca, Mike is off sugar for a while. Am going to take some downstairs later. Made the body scrub too, being proud of myself at this point and finishing the semester well with good grades, am determined to smile and welcome the New Year and hope that life will smile back at me  and that great opportunities and good fortune with enormous blessings from God will fill my path all year through! 

And to all  of my dearest friends and family, have a lovely New year and may each day of the year whether it brings joy or sadness be embraced, for like Rumi says, every experience comes with a lesson. Much love xoxxoxo

Facade

"Trust me, you do not love me. You do not even need me as you are saying. If you did you would not say it. So let  it go and you will find out one day that this was only a figment of your imagination. You push  too hard, " she thought. He had been calling for days wanting to see her, claiming he was desperately in love with her, she knew it was lust- nothing more. So when she heard him go on and on about needing, she asked him what he meant and he said his heart needed her so much. The urgency in  his voice, put her off. She knew  how to distinguish between urgent and important and this one was just not it. So she smiled, gently and carefully, said she appreciated how he felt and told him he would get over it. Human beings and their mating habits, she mused. When life allows  you to experience it, in its full colors, you know, you understand what it is you want and do not want. You learn to listen not just with the heart  but to tones and eyes, and actions. For it is true that the actions speak louder than words. Sometimes they tell it all. Even after the phone call, there was more to deal  with. This one was going to be complicated, but she knew it was what her sister had told her. It was all for selfish motives. There are those who know  how to get by in life by going over everyone they meet to make their way, She had got involved, too deep though. The kind of involvement you do not even know you are in until  it is too deep to get out. And so she begun, to untangle the jumble. He appeared to care, to understand, but it was a facade. She knew what she had to do, to unravel this seemingly 'important' affair. As she narrated this mess, I knew what she had to do too. I did not  give any advice, or say how I thought it would be best. I knew that she would find a way out. I am watching, waiting to see  how it plays out...

Too much water has gone down the thing

Too much water has gone down the thing; am constantly bombarded by an emotional vortex. Sometimes I know who I am, other times am too confused that am not sure what to do with myself, so on days like today when the world is an irritable place and nothing makes sense, I sit and write, listen to Leona Lewis and hope that I can make use of the time I have in today, because if I do not, I will be in another pool of regret tonight. Since the semester ended, my body shut down its functions of resistance to fatigue, a horrible flu has overcome me, and Tiffany thinks its swine flu. I think it’s the body and mind finally giving in to being released of the tension and stress that it has been succumbed to for the past four months. Why have I not stopped? I think am running, running from achieving nothing and doing nothing. Yet there was a time I delighted in the pleasure of doing nothing, of reading for pleasure and writing, of reading poetry and smiling- now those things feel like last year to me; perhaps its because too much water has gone down the thing.

As the year ends...

Am learning to make my own body scrubs, facials and take care of myself in the best way I can. A trip to Nerfertari   this evening earned me a bottle of an Amazing essential with lavender scents. Am going to get myself a massive container of a body scrub. I will share with you my recipe, its originally from Bianca,

Lavender & Olive oil body scrub:  Sugar grains ( rough ones are best for a good scrub), A tint of lavender essential oils ( You can use pure, dried lavender plant- gives the scrub a good scent), Olive oil  (enough to keep the solution together)  some honey to keep grains together.

I have been using this body scrub for the past two months and  I can vouch for it;  that it is worth it.  It cleans the skin leaving it moist and in no need for lotion and lasts at least two days if you  shower using only water and no soap.

As  this year ends, Am reminded of the great things in life,  Family,  I have not seen my family this christmas but I love them, I have talked to them several times a week and am grateful for the love we share. I am reminded of friends, friends who  are caring and those that careless- am learning that I am all these things. I Am thankful for a wonderful year, a year in which I have learned  to love and let go, a year in which I have learned to give and take ( still learning to take)  for it is only when I can that I can honestly love deeply. Am grateful for the opportunities I have had this year, to see more of the world, to get to know new people and to study as hard as I could. I am thankful for the resources that have come my way and for the support and comfort I have received.

Christmas was great, I decorated a tree all by myself, Meghan and I went Christmas shopping all at Attaba, on Jewish Street- that was fun! had a christmas dinner with friends and exchanged presents. Am thankful for friends yet I missed my family deeply.

As this year comes to an end, I am hopeful for an even better year ahead!

Better in time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/leona_lewis/#share

Eragon

Eragon:  I need to know Saphira Why me?

Saphira: You choose a leader for his heart

Eragon: But am not without fear

Saphira: Without fear there cannot be courage,

but when we are together it is our enemies who should be afraid

Eragon: Then are we together Saphira, as one!?

After all these After alls....

 I cant remember a time when I felt as dumb as I  do right now.  First of all I do not believe that I was in that exam for 15 minutes I think Skouteris  made me talk for only five! Not really I actually think I was blank for five minutes.  I spent three days reading and had practically grasped everything except for that one question on the GA and resolutions - for goodness sake! what happened to me? I could not even remember what Unilateral acts are! I kept mumbling the right thing and then flipped to something else. Am not sure I was even aware of what I was doing.  After the exam I was so confused that I did not know what I was  doing when I got onto the bus  to New Campus. Well am here now......
....I still have a 25 page paper to write tonight and all I want to do is sleep and cry. its due tomorrow and am still not sure what it is all about! Anyway I also have a 40 page paper and another 35 page paper to finish all before 21st of this month! does this end? Am going to be screaming help! Bianca is coming over to study tonight and I think I will have to postpone the whole idea of sleep.... A little sleep, a little slumber and poverty will come upon you like an armed man.'

Even though am feeling practically awful I  can not  ignore the fact that there is so much to be done, so I will just go on after all life goes on! its after all these after alls!

I hope there is Life after all this

One of my Steinbeck moments.... worked too long and hard yesterday; studying for my Oral Public International Law exam till 4pm, then started a group discussion for it  from 4pm that lasted till 1am with Tiffany and Steve. That was interesting, we had the craziest laughs about law and had   fun studying together! Tiffany is amazingly brilliant but she does not know it. Steve seems to know everything about the world and how it works I do not know how his brain saves all these world conflicts and historical  events! Well as for me.... I am just learning! I learn so much from people everyday and I hope that one day I can be a good teacher! 

Mike made us dessert - delicious! Apple crumble! I was actually thinking of asking him to make apple pie with me but then I  did not find time, then  he sends out an email saying dessert would be at 11:30pm- yay! I love my friends, they make me happy. Anyways, I practically run out of Tiffany's apartment even though I had only seen it after midnight. Thankfully he was awake,  the smile on my face still shames me this morning, I was like a kid who had not had food in weeks!

Kelsy has been staying with me for a few days and I have cooked for her which  makes me happy, cooking does happy things to me. I relax, forget that there are issues surrounding me, I refuse to embrace them and just focus on  making sure that the  vegetables and food  ends its life well. Kelsy is one of my greatest delights! She makes me happy and reminds me of a shoot, an ever growing plant that survives against the storms of winds and rain.  I hope she feels better from all this final exams stress, life and Cairo seems to be sucking everything it can get out of us. It seems to get worse and  I am  starting to believe that Cairo has a way captivating you  and never letting you go even after it has sucked everything out. You will  hate and  loathe it, but you will come back! It feels like Egypt has conspired with the gods that nothing will ever let you stay away.... as for me I have to find a new love. Brasilia  calls, it beckons!

Its really cold now, I have the heater on all the while am in the house and waking up gets harder as the days go by. The winter came without warning, we have been waiting and now it is here. So I will embrace it. Three papers to go and an oral exam, a Thesis to edit , another Thesis proposal to  edit and a class coming up in January! This too shall pass.....I hope there is life left in me after all this!

Another winter in the Sahara

Here it is....this piercing Ice needle like cold. It smells of the Sahara, the cold wind storms. A memory of  monsoon winds ( faking this one for the sake of poetry). Winter in North Africa makes me  happy, its the kind of cold that has no moist, the one that comes with dry winds.  It makes me remember  the diversity to winters around the world. Yesterday I spent the day in the desert, New Cairo - that place is like a freezer in the winter and a fireplace in the summer- some extremes I must say! Comfort food was on my mind all day,  I even ate cookies from Cilantro- urrggggg! There were no sundaes at Macd's. holiday memories loom in the air,  I miss home, my parents, my siblings and all my loved ones! I miss being around people I know care. I have  much to do, and sometimes it feels like its never ending, but I know that nothing lasts forever- well that I sort of know too well. Am sure some would beg to differ. For me it seems like a much held reality... and so here on this winter morning I will study and hope that one day I will laugh in the winter  and sing through it all!

Depressing week so far, Jan's mom has been gone three years now. Kennedy's resilient wife passed on yesterday, Human Rights in Middle East class was too depressing... too much despair thinking about International Law and it's disillusions. Then I came back home to the most depressing yet needed movie of all time- For Colored girls who have considered Suicide when the rainbow is not enough. Beautiful work yet utterly depressing. Maybe its time to kiss depressions goodbye and hello to the life in my voice!

For Colored Girls

'I could  not stand being colored and sorry at the same time! 
There is too much life  in your voice,  too much life for you to die.
My love is too sanctified, too complicated, too magic, too  music and too Saturday night to be thrown in my face!'

My GA Obsession

Christina: Just when I think you are boring, You Rise!
Meredith: Guilt does not go anywhere, it brings its friends - doubt and insecurity along to stay- Amoding

Celebrating Africa; Charles Onyango-Obbo and 'Uganda's Poorly Kept Secrets' David Oluka

Yesterday, I chose to celebrate being African. Its writers, musicians, and greats who have inspired not only me but Afrcia and the world. So I got to reading (Charles) Onyango-Obbo's book, 'Uganda's Poorly Kept Secrets'. Obbo, raises some interesting concepts on family, politics, economy, religion and society. He at once touches the whole of African life in a simplicity which captures any and every age. With real life examples leaving a feeling of oneness with Africa, as these issues which although Ugandan are felt in the lives of every African one way or another. His analysis of religion and its impact on politics and upbringing is like a gentle soda opener on a soda bottle. It calmly tears away the veil and leaves you to enjoy the secrets within. As he describes and compares his years at the Catholic O Level school, St. Leo's, and those of his brother at the Protestant A Level School, Nyakasura, his unusual insight digs away the differences we see in society and separates the soil from the hole. It brought upon me the feeling I had reading the lots of Great African writers that preceded him. If you want to understand Africa better and the impact Uganda has on it, I recommend this book. It is sad that we do not honor our African writers and Artists because the world is too big with a a pool of 6bn+ people to consider, but that does not stop us from honoring our own.

"... am more African than I will ever be Ugandan. Being Ugandan is a nationality concept that is so recent that it has not even penetrated my system yet. I was just thinking this week how my parents were not born Ugandan. When they were born Uganda was not a state, we were Africans! Plain, Pure Africans without the tag of a Nation state to justify our existence ... maybe am just reclaiming the self I am meant to be."Amoding Oluka

Reclaiming & Reinventing Me

Am more female than Ugandan,  more black than Ugandan,  more ...INTJ and above all more Jew than I will ever be Ugandan. Being Ugandan is a nationality concept that is so recent that it has not penetrated the core of who I am. I have been pondering on the fact that my parents were not born Ugandan. When they were born,  Uganda was not a state, we were tibal peoples, nomads fleeing from our lands - not sure why but the one reason I have been given is the need for greener pastures for out animals. We were pure Negras with no tag of a Nation state definition to justify our existence...  so today I cease to respond to those tags. To the notion of belonging to a national state. To being placed in a box. Today I am reclaiming the self I am meant to be....the person I really am.

 

Only say 'I love you', when its absolutely obvious - Bonaa Mohamed

I love him. Even I, am wondering whether it is right to say  it. But Bonaa tells me that I can only say "I love you" when its absolutely obvious."   When I wake  he is there, he is the first thing I get to see. After am done with my ablutions, I turn him on. He is the one I want to hear , feel and look at , because for me he holds the realities of life. He tells me what  I should expect during the day, he sets my schedules for me, he lets me use him without obstruction. He is the last thing I see and touch before I trail off to sleep. Sometimes I think, and yes I know he works more than I do. Sometimes I forget to let him rest, I let him just keep going on. This is selfish I know, but he does not complain, not usually. Only when I have pushed him too far does he freeze, he reminds me to be gentle, and then we restart and he is okay. So when I say I love you,  how much more obvious can it be? I love you Dell. I love that we are always together, I love that you know my thoughts because you hold them, Sometimes I wish you could say something but I guess its better that we  have this silent relationship. Its probably all I need right now. And for what its worth, Dell I appreciate you!

I am African