Kimara

You are finally here, and am wishing with every bit of me that I were there when you came. I want to see you, I want to know you, to  love you hold you and tell you how much we have waited for you. You must be super chill. With everything that you are  you are  welcome to this beautiful and fun world. 

“If you can allow yourself to breathe into the depth, wonder, beauty, craziness, and strife – everything that represents the fullness of your life – you can live fearlessly. Because you come to realize that if you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered.” - Oprah

Do you know how beautiful you are?

Do you know how beautiful you are?

I think not, my dear.

For as you talk of God,
I see great parades with wildly colorful bands
Streaming from your mind and heart,
Carrying wonderful and secret messages
To every corner of this world.

I see saints bowing in the mountains
Hundreds of miles away
To the wonder of sounds
That break into light
From your most common words.

Speak to me of your mother,
Your cousins and your friends.

Tell me of squirrels and birds you know.
Awaken your legion of nightingales—
Let them soar wild and free in the sky.

And begin to sing to God.
Let’s all begin to sing to God!

Do you know how beautiful you are?

I think not, my dear,

Yet Hafiz
Could set you upon a Stage
And worship you forever!

-Hafiz

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?” Robert Downing

Three days after I arrived in Salvador, the elevator in my apartment building stopped working.  Using the stairs to the fifth floor after a long day of walking in the sun or rain and up and down the hills of Salvador has been pretty tough, however on week 3 I started to whisper to myself, “power thighs, and gurrl! Go for it!’ it’s week five, I came up with groceries, half way running up the stairs saying out loud, ‘ it’s all about attitude gurrl….’ The security guy downstairs keeps saying, ‘amanha, amanha” I do not trust him. He has been saying this since it broke down; even if it got fixed now  am not interested, I need those power thighs anyway. I emailed my landlord the other day, worried that when am leaving I will have to drag down two suitcases, heavy ones- I packed for Cairo  and Uganda too. The thought of leaving saddens me. I walked through Pelourinho today and my heart was sad, I do not want to leave, I love this place so much. I met Khaled today, he's half Jewish, half Sudanese, born in Israel and raised in Brazil. Said his parents decided this was the best place to live because they would be accepted here more than anywhere else. Even I agree,  he and I had a connection; he works for  'Projectoaxe" which am interested in. It’s a project that encourages street children to use their skills through art education, the clothes they make and pieces are world class. There is an edge in Salvador I have not seen anywhere, people are not limited, they go to great lengths to express who they are with such passion and energy that makes the place come alive. 

After I recounted my elevator woes to my landlord in an email, he felt it was reasonable not to charge me energy separately to compensate all the inconveniences with the elevator. Smile :0 My friend Nicole in Paris, was amazed she reminded me that Egyptian landlords would not do this, so here I am being appreciative , while cranking up the  A/C and not worrying about how much it’s going to cost me anymore. Am not taking this for granted, as gratitude makes me more aware of the gifts that I have been given. 

Tomorrow am going to visit the project. I visited the Nigerian Cultural center where I met Raquel who had received an email from me, at the Steve Biko institute, she was very helpful and spoke English really well. I have been wondering why on earth there is a Nigerian Cultural Institute here; however after visiting the place I understand so much more . Renato, a Brazilian artist was telling me about how Brazilian slaves came from every part of Africa, and have been able to exploit that to express themselves. Most West Africans after slavery returned to Africa, the East, North,  central and Southern Africans did not return and instead have continued to build on this history. Am sure some of the Nigerians who returned kept those ties and are using this through the cultural institute to promote their culture. Brazilians are such a great mix and I must admit they must be some of the most beautiful people on this earth, maybe this is really what the world is going to look like in  fifty years. Hence my desire to stay here, I mean a culmination of factors being the reason. 

Brazil will pass a bill anytime now to grant stateless people and refugees Permanent Residence rights to reside  within the State, in my sub conscience I have  thought of staying here and pretending to be stateless, then leave in four years when I have attained Permanent residence. The other option is make sure my dissertation research is based in Brazil and then come here every year for Post Doc research; I guess I’ll opt for the latter, much more promising and challenging. In this thought, my reach is exceeding my grasp, should this not be the case?

I cannot expect to have if I do not give, I cannot expect to receive that which I will not share, I cannot expect to be comforted if I hold others at bay. I can and will have all that I am and am prepared to be, the goodness that not just resides in my heart, but is a manifestation of all the goodness that I strive to live daily.

Opal Palmer Adisa

Who to What

I have a friend who is overly proud of being a left 'handie' she has this notion that you should never fix people when they are inclined to be the way they are, which I concur with. I have no desire to fix anyone. European imperialists introduced the idea that there was something sinister about left handed people and so for several years communities in Africa have tried to fix  all the 'sinisterees'. Why am I talking about this? aha, its been seven days and I am more aware of who I am than I was seven days ago. As I think of the profession I want to  pursue am, I know that I want a profession where I have space to make a diversity of contributions. I do not want to be stuck behind a desk, or be limited to a specific area to execute what I have to offer. I want to be a teacher, lawyer, writer, researcher, wife, mother,sister,friend and lover. All these I will be. And so as I get into the next days and ask myself what I want? My decisions  and goals in the next few days will determine where I will be in the next six months to a year.The decisions I made 6 months ago have determined where I am today. There is indeed a pattern.  After doing the left/ right brain exercise I know why am not that big on expressing emotions, and why dealing with numbers comes easy for me. I guess it does have some truth to it. Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life. Realizing your right brain/left brain tendency will help you interact with and to understand others. Left Brain Dominance: (14) Right Brain Dominance: (11) The left-brain is often described as being better at: Language Logic Critical thinking Numbers Reasoning the right side of the brain is said to be best at: Recognizing faces Expressing emotions Music Reading emotions Color Images Intuition Creativity Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Loosen up

"You have the capacity to change the plot-line of your life, even if you've been acting from the same script since before you can remember. No matter what has happened up to this point, you have the right and the capacity to be happy. You are an innately creative being, capable of writing a love story worth living." ~David Simon

Since I can remember I have been a super closed, and uptight human being. Its often easy for me to make friends, it’s the allowing people inside that is the hardest part. I have not enjoyed the gift of receiving as much as I give, because I have become accustomed to giving and thinking am not worthy (subconsciously) to receive. You know the feeling that receiving sometimes comes with? Some people say its humbly, I say it’s a belittling feeling. I want to explore this, to find out where it stems from. 

Last night I was thinking of some of the perturbing inclinations I possess, I have a tendency to run to the bathroom every 20 or so minutes when it’s not easily accessible. For example my present apartment has the bathroom way out of reach from my room I have to jump hoops and loops to get there, so usually I do not use the bathroom in the night but now I wake up two to three times to use it. When I sit right by the toilet in a plane, I usually will not use that bathroom until I land no matter how long the flight however when I am far away from it, the need for it will annoy my sleeping neighbor. I also tend to stay up way too late when I have an appointment in the morning, even when I have sleep I search for things to do. Another strange one is me doing absolutely nothing when I have a huge deadline ahead of me, like my thesis, I gave my Migration & Refugee Thesis nothing until I had a deadline to present and defend it. I pounced on the thesis a couple of weeks before I was given a date, this happens with all major events in my life. I tend to think things through a lot and wait until the last moment to do them. Now am entering my story, am slowly becoming a wise to, on me.

On day five, The Giver : According to Juan Carlos is one who gives unconditionally, with no expectation of receiving in return, and this is what brings us the most happiness. It is a choice of being, a decision to live life to its fullest. When we nourish others, we nourish the entire universe, including our own soul. In reality, giving and receiving are the same thing - they are simply different expressions of the same flow of energy. Since everything in the universe is inextricably connected, when we send love out, when we cherish and protect our friends, loved ones, the environment, and all else, we are simultaneously taking care of our own body, mind, and soul.

Giving, receiving, giving, receiving . . . it is a continuous flow of energy that circulates through everything in the universe, nourishing life and expansion. So in today's meditation and in all our activities, let us focus on giving that which we love, that which we enjoy in life, and that which makes us feel nourished, cared for, and connected. Let us dance with the universe and fully enter the present moment by giving others that which we seek.

Finding lessons

 "God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches you by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly - not one." ~ Rumi

Its day four of the Meditation and fasting challenge. Am learning that connecting to life in every form every day is to be a good student, and that nothing in life ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. I have always wanted to be a teacher even when I said I would be a Doctor. Since I can remember, I have always pretended I was speaking to a classroom. When I was 17 I spent the afternoons during school holidays revising by using the chalkboard we had at home. I would pretend there were students in the audience and just go on and on. Faythe, my elder sister thought I was weird. I still do this to this day, it really does help with revision, maybe I just love hearing my own voice and this may just come in handy in teaching. 

I can be impatient, and have thought this as a negative to my teaching career dreams. I want to learn to be patient. I want to be aware of who I am and what I can do. I want to be authentic. For it is only when I am authentic, that I can share myself and my experiences. It seems to me that being a teacher means to continually be open to learn new things, just like a curious child as Albert Einstein said, “Do not grow old, no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before Great Mystery into which we were born.”  

 That nothing in my life is taken for granted and there are lessons in every aspect of life, in plants and animals even those ones I can’t stand. This week I will be trying to find lessons from life around me -even from the cats that sit in front of my building doing nothing but sleeping- appreciating the gifts I have been given and busk in the joy of knowing my dreams will come true.

Broken dreams.

Sank Soaked Squashed Dashed 

All that was.

Why?

I hurt and mourn, ‘cause it’s right

There’s been a loss, Where was bliss

I mourn for a future once hoped for

Memories held and treasured for, no more

Broken dreams.

Prayers that will never be.

You taste the tears,

I’ve lost in sorrow I see yesterday,

You see tomorrow,

This is just a page I’ve read,

You know the whole story.

You’ve written the story.

Another chance I ask.

 To walk after this fall,

To laugh after the mourning,

To see glory after shame,

To dream again,

To see tomorrow?

@2005 Deborah Oluka

RAINBOW

The colours.

Stretching.

Beckoning.

Perfect match.

You call out,

Gently, in perfect serenity With allure,

You remind me You wont let it happen.

The arrangement captivates I stare,

I see you Am speechless,

 It’s the rainbow That bows to gather the rains.

I see you in it It’s the perfect promise

That makes me rest Knowing no harm.

@ 2005 Deborah Oluka

JUST MAYBE!

JUST MAYBE! 

Sometimes I think you are just a dream A far-fetched dream. 

Will you ever be real?

I wonder… Tried twice – failed!

Loved deeply, never paid off.

Maybe it should never pay off.

Every time I have loved I have hurt.

Not lightly, more than deep I wet my cheek and wonder,

Is this how loves goes…?

I don’t want to try again I have not lost hope,

I just think it’s not for me.

Maybe some day but not now.

It pains to hurt,

And pain’s been my greatest fear

Maybe one day you’ll be real

Maybe I’ll meet you, just maybe.

 @ 2005 Deborah Oluka

‘Bring the past only if you are going to build from it’ ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Its day two of my fasting and Meditation personal time, am asking myself three questions, who am I? What do I want? And what is my purpose? This week I will be focusing on who am I? As I mentioned a while ago there are days when am not really sure who I am. However I do not want to experience these days, most of the time I know this is that time of the month when my hormones are all over the place, this I understand. I want to know who Amoding is. The depths of me, what motivates me, what makes me tick, what I know for sure about me. I will not be sharing these answers here as I need some privacy in my life and will journal these. Hoping that you can join me in this 21 day meditation challenge-http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/bestsellers/Meditation_Summer/Meditation_Summer.asp?id=5771 . 
I did this last year and it was truly beneficial; am sure at the end of it all you and I will be more in touch with the ‘me’ inside us and that it will reflect on the outside.  

MY fast includes a diet of only vegetables, fruit and grains.

Am taking my body to a journey of the best foods Brazil has to offer. Yesterday I spent the day at Porto da Barra, studied at a café and walked around the shopping mall and the beach. While it rained I took the opportunity to window shop, tried on clothes and realized that red really does look great on me. Here I am on a hunt for a red dress – I mean in the next few weeks I have left in Brazil. I stayed in today as my body told me it was not going anywhere even though I wanted so badly to go to the market and UFBA.

Sat at Pelo Michael Jackson square for an hour, asking myself the question who I am? There were times issues of the past came up and for some reason I know that so much of what has happened in my life has defined who I am today. Not all of it is good, however I want to focus on that which is good and only bring in the past if it is going to build who I am today. I sat there and watched people, there were mostly only couples and a few tourist families walking together. Tears filled my eyes as I thought that it would have been great to have a significant other with me, it hurt for bit but am starting to take every alone travels I make as times for personal development. 

As day two comes to an end, I feel a lot healthier in my body, spirit and mind.

"Love is a not a place you can come and go as you please" (altered by Amoding Original by W. Barfield)

After canceling an Orchestra Opening night and lunch date, am sure that I want to stay in study, write and do some yoga. Oh, for little women, a reminder of what it was like growing up in the Oluka family. For a long time I have been avoiding the movie however, am stuck here in my living room and its showing, so to convince myself that am learning Portuguese using the subtitles I will watch it, Teddy has just asked Aunt March, “Are they engaged?” she replies, “not yet!” So far am enjoying it. It reminds me of  how there was  always so much going in our household, I do not remember a time when I got bored. My parents often said there was no boredom as long as there was a lawn to mow, dishes to wash, clothes to press and all other household tasks that you can think of. So doing these things for me is sometimes a pastime. I can get down to housework like it’s a game. 

The melancholic in me wants to say that this past week has been extremely unproductive. However the truth is I have achieved muito pouco (very little). On Segunda- Feira (monday) I spent some time at the Federal University of Bahia library after spending about  1 ½ hours trying to find the place with the limited Portuguese I could master coupled with no sign posts I was left with random people and security men pointing out directions for me to follow.  It’s been a beneficial experience because I was able to speak some Portuguese to get what I wanted and where I needed to be. Found some websites that will be helpful, the library itself is pretty run down; it does not seem like any new research material has been documented there at least for the past five years. Everything there reminded me of Makerere University's BLISS library- even the Main Library gets a bit of a + when it comes to the Law library at UFBA. Was not the least bit surprised as Bahia seems like the forgotten place am sure Rio and Sao Paulo have better libraries. 

The rest of the week I lazed, Samantha returned to the States, Kim and I are hiding in our respective apartments getting work done- well am sure she is; I for one I have  been going through  that time of the month when I barely recognize who I am. Reading here and there, writing and cooking. On Wednesday I spent the day with five Brazilian University Students who have so much energy they made me feel like an old woman. They took me to a Museum, then to have Ice cream and then to a restaurant in Santa Antonio to watch the Sunset- they say it’s the most beautiful part of the city. I loved it. its hilly and stoney, we were either going down or up on paved coblestone roads; am amazed at how they do it with such ease. We laughed so much took pictures and talked. Tomorrow inshallah they will be coming over for lunch. 

Ernandes and I talked about child rights and the social situation of children in Bahia, he also shared his views on what I thought was a picture of people living in harmony- Brazil being so mixed and presenting a sense of no or little  prejudice. I shared my thoughts on the sadness I felt when Sudan split, and he assured me that Brazil is not what it looks like. From his perspective racism is instilled in people’s conscience, even though nothing is said actions speak louder than words. I still want to live here anyway; even he agreed that this place is heaven (his own words). Today I walked out to get some air, post office and so much window shopping; I like that everyone speaks to me in Portuguese and I get by as a local until I  open my mouth.

So am reading 'Children for social change' by Anthony Swift and he starts the book by comparing Britain's notorious children who  have instilled fear in Teachers to the point that by 1997 13, 419  of them had been excluded from attending school.  It’s raining outside and all I can think of are the street children in Pelourinho outside my building. It breaks my heart to know that there is not so much I can do right now. A series of gun shots went off this evening, it’s been happening almost every evening at about the same time, the gang fights do not seem to stop, or is it juriceiros getting rid of notorious children in the lower city? That place (Lower City) has been advertised as hell, everyone is afraid of it,  my new friends told me it’s a place that the wealthy ignore, everyone ignores it.  In a few years I want to be able to do something, however right now I will begin by writing about it and see where it goes. 

This place is a place of love, and even after falling in love with it, am reminded of Warren Barfield’s quote, ‘love is not that place that I can come in and go as I please.’ There are requirements, most often unspoken requirements that should be motivated by the commitment love demands. Right now it’s helping to make the place better than I found it, and so with all that I can, in writing about Child rights in Brazil I am going to do my part in this love affair I have with this part of the world. My dreams get wilder as I get older, maybe am actually beginning to realize that anything is indeed possible.  

À fleur de peau (On Edge ) By Joël Té-Léssian 'I keep my pride and shame for the acts that I commit. I have no reason to be proud of being born with malaria, I do not see why I should be proud of being born black - or be ashamed, either. I did not so much thank or insult my parents, if you like, but leave me in peace.'

I have a strange relationship, not very brotherly, with my skin. A friend, looking somber and sad voice of one who performs a dirty but necessary job, I was once out: "Your problem is you got ashamed of your skin!" That's not all very true: it annoys me. Because it heals poorly.

I am often on my bowl "memory". No donations here. Just hard work helps me to learn  about myself. It keeps track of all the bites, blemishes, wounds, burns, all abscesses, pimples and boils. When I look at my legs and I see my childhood: the yellow spots surrounded by black rings? Allergies to the snail. Prohibited meat, so put the first order. A thousand times my guests are warned that they should not use it a hundred times, I could consume. My small wounds appeared so vile that healed after a week, but left a mark that was enough for me to contemplate any revival: the smell of the kitchen, looking sorry for the lady of the house.

A dark spot in the lower back: a bullying more violent than others, to twelve, that reminds me of the injustice of life in Prytaneum, confinement, anger suppressed. Withered skin around the neck fools taking risks to sixteen, stupid needs to prove his manhood. (Or a suicide attempt - thus the "neighborhood" is explained during the holidays, I let the rumor run: you cannot imagine the tranquility enjoyed by the "suicidal.")

The red circles on his chest? New allergy, never fully diagnosed, chopée on an island in Brazil. I brushed and they raised up the scent of Caipiroska, the green sky of Recife, the bodies of women that I have not had. Everything is there: my mind on edge. Which leaves me forgetting nothing. At any moment, even the most joyous, most pure, I just look down to a memory I come back, sometimes happy, often painful and unpleasant. I related the scene, so the names, faces, emotions, relationships, everything is connected. All that is detestable.

Also (and this is the sense of the criticism often addressed to me by the back door) because it precedes me everywhere and always speaks before me. In the street, she is ahead of six steps, challenges me and tells me when I train legs. It reduces the topics of conversation: Clichy will always come before Cartagena Yade before Yeats, the Zambezi before the Corrèze. The number of supposedly blissful smiles "accomplices" that sent me the day after Obama's election! "On" is here! ... It exposes me to the stupidity of others. It imposes on me the links that I should be free to choose - my birth, my education and culture would perhaps have anyway led to adopt, but the approach would have been different.

I prefer voluntary servitude to forced solidarity. They then shock my individualism and hamper my freedom. I do not claim anything. I do not "deny" anything. Most of those who have done nothing with their lives and who envisage anything, take refuge in the semantics of shame and pride. They cannot be "happy" or just "grateful" or "sad." No! They are "proud" of their flag, their country, their "origins" and have "shame" of the team in Gabon, they are "proud" of the American national anthem.

I keep my pride and shame for the acts that I commit. I have no reason to be proud of being born with malaria, I do not see why I should be proud of being born black - or be ashamed, either. I did not  so much  thank or insult my parents, if you like, but leave me in peace. I'm not completely fooled, either. Each year, about fifty studies (genetic, socio-economic "science") are published in the United States and Europe which seek to establish the intellectual inferiority of African Americans, Blacks, by extension. Sixty years after Auschwitz, such work continues. Am I worried? Not really. Outraged? ... Maybe ... I'm rather amused, amazed at such ingenuity. At best, indifferent. Romain Gary was asked what it meant for him to be Jewish. His response? "It's a way to piss me off!” Replace" Jew "with" Black "and you know my feeling.

Update: 
....its 2013 and I just realized being a Jew means coming from the tribe of Judah and Judah is black unto the ground; "Judah mourneth, and the gates thereof languish; they are black unto the ground; and the cry of Jerusalem is gone up." Jeremiah 14:2