Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 18

Can the subaltern speak? Or not or how is post colonial theory relevant to your research and writing in human rights law. http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/other/ahric/ajhr/V5N1/ajhr511.html Post colonialism can be described as a literary theory and written material by those who were formerly colonized. This theory provides frameworks that questions the discourses in the former colonial nations and critiques its motives, goals and use. it demonstrates the heterogeneity of colonized places by analyzing the uneven impact of Western colonialism on different places, peoples, and cultures. It also deals with cultural identity in colonized societies: the dilemmas of developing a national identity after colonial rule; the ways in which writers articulate and celebrate that identity, the ways in which the knowledge of the colonized (subordinated) people has been generated and used to serve the colonizer’s interests; Moreover, post colonialism recognizes that there was, and still is, resistance to the West. This resistance is practiced by many, including the subaltern, a group of marginalized, and least powerful. Post-colonialist thinkers recognize that many of the assumptions which underlay the "logic" of colonialism are still active forces today. In writing for human rights law, I am the subaltern, coming from a former colony of Britain I am in the category of those who have had ‘western education’ and should be criticizing the views and theories that we have adopted as our own from former colonial powers. A while ago I wrote in my journal about seeing children in Sinai selling jewelry instead of being in school and how that disturbed me and made me reflect on why countries sign up to conventions and treaties which they never adhere to. After reading SELENA GEORGE & SHILPA JAIN EXPOSING THE ILLUSION OF THE CAMPAIGN FOR FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT TO EDUCATION (2000), I am starting to wonder whether it is my western education that has wholly embraced a formal system of education and not taken time to question it. Could universal schooling be one that demeans human dignity? George and Jain argue that schooling supports this effort to re-colonize by providing a ‘neutral’ veil behind which the north can pursue its dehumanizing and destructive agenda. They believe that the culture of schooling is a violation of human dignity (where dignity is a concept much more broadly understood than that in the narrow discourse on ‘rights’). On several occasions it has come to mind that whatever education I have received is a continuation of colonialism, the same law am studying has been developed and created by former colonial powers and minds and it is this law, treaties and conventions that we have to subscribe to. Do these governments feel this way when they do not keep committed to what they have signed, and in signing only want to be a part of the United Nations to advance national interests and nothing more? In reading DI OTTO EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS: SOME POST-STRUCTURAL TOOLS, I am starting to question the universality of human rights. As I continue to receive an education I believe that the subaltern can speak, the more I am exposed to systems and allowed to critique them, embracing ontologism without understanding will become problematic for me. As a subaltern, the critiquing has just begun for me. The more I learn the more I am uncomfortable with embracing systems that are imposed in the most subtle and professional manner.

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 17

what does Human rights Mean to me (Meaning of life) Meaningful experiences in research and writing. Describe “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood. ” —Article 1 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) Human rights means that people all over the world should be treated with respect and dignity where everyone is held in the same esteem as another person no matter their gender or race, as long as they are human, there are rights that they have and can contest against if these rights are not permitted them. It becomes complex thinking about the wide variety of cultures, and traditions and concepts of respect that cultures have and what is standard in one place may never be standard in another culture. For instance in the Buganda Kingdom of Uganda there are certain expectations on women such as kneeling when greeting and serving anyone older than them, this may be seen as a violation of human rights by another culture. Therefore if human rights have to hold any meaning they should transcend minimal aspects of society and address core concerns such as right to life, freedom to participate in their cultures, right to be treated with respect and dignity. In some places it has become the right to education, food and work. One basic human right can be expressed in the concept of life, where if one’s life is at danger by another human being or situation, that life is being violated. As a human rights researcher and writer I will be adept to the Universal declaration of human rights but not as rigid to follow it without understanding concepts of the situation that I will be researching and writing about. Human rights are largely a good thing and are working right now in bringing a semblance of peace in some areas of the world. People are becoming aware that their lives do mean something and voices of the subaltern are being raised in areas where human dignity is not upheld. A good example can be the Rwandan genocide where lives were dehumanized to the point of equating them with insects. Today Rwandans are embracing concepts of human rights, understanding human dignity and using this to bring them social progress.

Book Review Amoding D. Oluka

LARSON, Catherine Claire AS WE FORGIVE: Stories of Reconciliation from Rwanda (Zondervan 2009) If beauty stills the world, then violence wakens it

AS WE FORGIVE is a fascinating and disturbing book all at the same time, evincing real life stories that shock the conscience of mankind. It depicts a side of the human being, incited to the extent of killing those intimately involved with. The book delves into the lives of nine people affected by the Rwandan genocide of 1994 and explores their lives from the view of victim and perpetrator. It ‘s a compelling story of how a country filled with beauty and promise experienced enormous human rights violations that awoke its own people and the world to question International law, sovereignty and colonialism in unusual ways. It is a book that expresses how humanity can be so vile yet so forgiving; it brings The Christian’s faith in God and international law to the same table and emphasizes metaphorically how situationality in international law can be employed in promoting restoration and social progress in a community imbued with immense human rights violations. The book presents an amazing background of events leading to the Rwandan genocide- in graphic detail Catherine Claire Larson provides individual narratives of loss that give evidence to the human capacity for evil. This is a powerful story that not only reveals the story of the victim but of the perpetrator as well. It’s an interesting story with several intertwined themes that cannot be expressed on their own but by merging one into the other, yet five main themes stand out; human rights, faith in God, forgiveness, restoration and reconciliation. The author in telling seeks to paint a picture of the path from atrocities that could otherwise draw lines of demarcation between one that shows scars can become the intersection between justice and mercy leading to forgiveness; giving birth to a supernatural hope. The book evokes questions and debates on criminal justice exercised in international law today and questions its effectiveness in promoting social progress and peace in a world filled with conflict. The story provokes questions such as what is justice. Is justice sewed at the exercise of the law or when human beings can find ways of reconciling away from the stand of retributory justice? With the book’s emphasis on the fact that conflicts will always exist, the question then arises as to what is the best way to resolve conflicts as any one of us can become a criminal when incited. The author deconstructs criminal justice as one that solves crime retributively and demands that rule breaking deserves punishment, which justifies the sense of justice but questions the goal of punishment; thereby questioning retributive justice while advocating for restorative justice. This book will provoke human rights and international law students and practitioners to question criminal justice as the best option in dealing with atrocities and rebuilding societies. Where the law has been standard and definite, reconciliation in this book questions the hierarchy and authority that international community has given it. With an emphasis on restorative justice the author refutes the idea of retributive justice under international law being a means of social progress; she argues that true justice should possess the goal of restoration for peace for the victim, restoration for the peace of the community and finally restoration for the peace of the offender. The book upholds the gacaca courts as they involve all participants in a way that helps all affected parties take ownership of the road forward. It emboldens the concept of tribunals in the form of gacaca courts for the international lawyer and provides international law a gap to consider the importance of allowing individuals take part in the legal process of justice. The author devotes a chapter to exploring the origins of a justice with a goal to building peace, reconciliation and social progress in the Rwandan society after the genocide. Those who have read OUTI KORHONEN NEW INTERNATIONAL LAW: DEFENSE, SILENCE OR DELIVERANCE?(EJIL Law.1996; 7: 1-28) will see how International law is best when situated and conveyed practically in situations where the victims need for justice is coupled with norms that are acceptable to a society. In advocating for restorative justice the author believes that the exercise of law should not simply aim at punishment but in restoration, restitution, and reconciliation. She draws a distinction between retributive and restorative justice, where in the latter; the encounter tends to humanize (victims and offenders) to one another and permits them substantial creativity in constructing a response that deals not only with the injustice that occurred, but with the futures of both parties as well; while the former focuses on the offender and not the victim. The author argues that criminal justice basically leaves victims out of the picture, ignoring their needs and in a moment the perpetrator is different from the victim and should be locked up. Rather than promoting healing, it exacerbates wounds and reasons out that retributive justice often assumes justice and healing are separate –even incompatible issues. The author balances the argument in elaborating that in cases of violent crime restoration has its limits and no price can be put on human life, the violation a rape victim endures cannot be undone, and yet in all this restorative justice still calls for elements of punishment or for isolating the offender to protect others. Larson compliments ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU’S NO FUTURE WITHOUT FORGIVENESS (Image 2000), where he tells the story of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), formed to address the countless crimes against humanity committed on all sides in apartheid's dark history. Instead of criminal trials where the victims are constrained to defend themselves against the threat of imprisonment and are only expecting state-mandated retribution as a form of justice the victims and the accused had the opportunity to simply tell their stories. Tutu shows how letting victims and perpetrators face each other as humans fostered courageous acts of penitence and forgiveness that serve as symbols for their nation and the world. She uses this to take the reader into an in-depth look at nine individual stories of Rosaria, Joy, Chantal, Monique, Devota, Phanuel, Claude, Saveri and Prisca; immensely affected by the genocide, and intimately shows us the struggle they experience on the path to forgiveness and reconciliation. The book traces the route from violation and violator to reconciliation in the lives of Rwandans – victims, widows, orphans and perpetrators whose past and future intersect. Each chapter of the book leaves the human mind outraged, shocked and mesmerized at how someone so close can be an enemy in the wake of the hour. With mind reflective quotes introducing the chapters, the author creates an atmosphere of reflection, empathy and an interpersonal encounter with the individual characters both victim and perpetrator. It is not just emotions evoked here, questions and debates on the contribution of law in social progress come to the mind of the International human rights activist. With a detailed account of chronological events in Rwanda and the world before, during and after (1885-2003) the genocide, the book presents a wider picture of international relations in a world where human beings became an unnecessary, insignificant bunch while other lives were elevated above others. It tells the story of a genocide tied in with politics, tribalism and colonialism. The perpetrators in this book bear the responsibility of the genocide, and do not load it on colonialism as the catalyst. For those fed up with colonialism being placed at the heart of Africa’s problems this book will recreate a people ready to take responsibility for their actions, recapturing what is left of it and building hope allowing for the healing of their community. For individuals interested in finding release through sharing tumultuous and painful memories the book offers an opportunity for a book club setting, counseling and therapeutic release with its questions and discussion structure providing avenues for reflection and discussion. It encourages one towards progress in individual life and reconciliation; through this the author proposes the book as help for those in need of healing by allowing the reader a glimpse of Rwandan stories of violations, justice and hope. A couple of chapters in the book start with exempts from the author’s life, with this narrative the story is interrupted and detaches the reader from the story, the author tries to link her own daily life occurrences and conflicts in the American community to the genocide experiences. The flashes to the author’s situation of loss in the event of being robbed, having her property taken and peace of mind affected, may anger the reader as she again attempts to equate this loss to the loss of peace of mind of the genocide victims. It appears that she compares things that can be gained back to things that cannot be replaced, in a bid to draw the reader away from retaliation and retribution she demeans the impacts of the genocide, likening and molding it into some kind of misunderstanding within a group of people in the backyard of Africa. At this point the author seems to be pushing the subject matter down the reader’s throat instead of allowing us to draw from it as it best suits us. She fails to draw a relationship between these conflicts and eludes the reader. As the author equates horrific occurrences in the genocide with a divorce and robbery, the reader may find him/herself perturbed as the author encourages the reader, “…in the world in which we live conflict -whether it’s on the job, in the home, or on the international horizon - will always make a part of our landscape. So when conflict arises, we should not be- grieved but not surprised.” (pg. 51) The author presents an extremely idealistic perspective in abnegating surprise. How can one not be surprised when a man who was my father’s friend and had tea in our home the night before, comes back the next day and slices his head off, peeling my mother’s skin off from neck to wrist? How should that not surprise me? Is that not why we have human rights law? Is it not because the violations shock the conscience of mankind to the point that we have to react? Even though the author’s ridiculous attempts to correlate divorce and genocide irks to a degree the Interlude Chapter, reversing the downward spiral brings the two together beautifully, ‘Repeated criticism leads to Defensiveness. Differences are classified and verbalized with absolute statements such as ‘you never’ or ‘you always.’ Spouses become polarized. Contempt for the other solidifies. Contempt-an intense feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless –is only a step away from dehumanization. The result is that spouses stonewall or deaden their feelings toward each other. They have closed out the other- a psychological exterminating of the other’s presence… Empathy dehumanizes the other. It removes feelings of contempt as we discover an emotional understanding of the other person’s thoughts, actions and motives (Pg 226-227). In recounting horrendous events during the genocide, the images create shock, surprise and deep emotion at how humanity can be so vile, hacking friends, raping neighbors and how after all this humanity can still be forgiving. The title connotes the idea of ‘a how to forgive work book’ yet with the more pages we turn the author derives information, analogies and practical examples and references from experts in the field of restorative justice, psychology and theology such as: Bishop Desmond Tutu, Dr. Howard Zehr- professor of sociology who first coined the restorative justice, Yale Professor Miroslav Volf, Dr. Everett Worthington Chair of Psychology at Commonwealth University, Rabbi Elliot Dorff, and Dr. Dan Allender. The wealth of experience and contribution gives the book credibility as she explores areas beyond the limits of faith. Without giving it the work book effects she states five steps to reconciliation as 1) recall the hurt 2) empathize 3) exercise the altruitistic gift of forgiveness 4) commit publicly to forgive 5) hold onto forgiveness. The author shares various methods that individuals have used in reconciliation after horrendous human rights violations and balances it out with a view that does not believe in a method but rather ‘forgiveness as a truth to be lived.’ The book takes a deeper look at forgiveness, good confession - it states is when a guilty person admits wrong without excuses, specific apology should be offered, an offer to make some kind of restitution also shows that the guilty party is serious about the apology. Larson argues that in confession, reconciliation proceeds through risk and trust –“with each risk when one is honored by reciprocal risking, there is an increase in trust, ”(pg.129) in elevating trust, goodwill and care in the practice of rebuilding relationships, she concludes that harmful interactions are replaced by positive actions. The author acquaints us with an interesting illustration in the event that the offender is incapacitated, dead or otherwise inaccessible; “Even as the forgiver offers the gift of release to the offender, in order for the offender to accept the gift he or she must accept the condemnation for the offense. If the offender fails to repent, he or she has failed to receive the gift. The gift transaction has been stopped midway,” (pg. 89) noting that once forgiveness has been offered and that frees the giver, whether or not the perpetrator receives it. With an emphasis on reconciliation and forgiveness, the author shows that forgiveness is not a smooth and easy path, nor should it be looked in a purely therapeutic light but is a form of suffering as Mirolav Volf wrote, ‘under the foot of the cross we learn however, that in a world of irreversible deeds and partisan judgments redemption from passive suffering of victimization cannot happen without the active suffering of forgiveness’ (pg. 262). The book exemplifies the importance of the victim expressing their hurt, facing the perpetrator and coming to terms with the fact that life goes on after a violation. Splicing the Rwandan Genocide to conflicts all over the world, personal and intimate tales not heard in Hotel Rwanda (the Movie) and in many Rwanda genocide accounts are revealed as individuals recount amazingly coherent stories, the author makes an interesting distinction between fiction and nonfiction that is absent in JEFFREY FLEISHMAN PROMISED VIRGINS: A STORY OF JIHAD (ARCADE PUBLISHING 2009), in which Fleishman argues that human rights victim’s narratives may come across as incoherent and distorted giving the appearance of unreliable memory especially in cases where post traumatic stress syndrome may have played a role, memory maybe clouded and distorted. Yet the characters in Larson’s as we forgive appear coherent and attuned to their past intricately showing how daily lives can be dismantled and fouled up by violence. With all the accessible literature, movies and documentaries on the Rwandan genocide many may heedlessly turn their heads at this book, one must remember though; that not enough can ever be told about a story on human rights violations, reconciliation and rehabilitation. Just as case law is a reference to cases in a daily court encounter, this book is a reminder that the Rwandan genocide will always be referred to in the field of International law, colonialism and in historical reconciliation prelims. This book portrays the side of the Genocide tale not told in many accounts; the intimate connections between the victims and perpetrators. Perpetrators who called victims friends, grew up together, played together, had tea at each other’s houses in the evenings and neighbors. The betrayal story of David in the Bible seemed to come real, ‘Even he who shares my bread has lifted his heal against me.’ “This was much more personal. Michel who lived down the road had thrown the grenade, Kanyenzi, also a man he’d known all his life tracked him in the night. Edison- someone Claude passed every day on his way to graze cattle- had dragged off his sister, Rode. The faces of these neighbors haunted his waking and his sleeping (An exempt from the Chapter: a killer called me friend pg 235) The intimacy of relationships between perpetrator and victim here provides International law a unique route in dealing with human rights violations. In any society engulfed by human rights violations there is a place retributive justice, yet one wonders how appropriate it is to have over six hundred thousand people locked up in a country of about eight million people. Here is where International tribunals have a place and the law conveyed in ways that provide the victim and perpetrator a chance to decide what happens from then on. The book, regardless of its Christian approach is a must read for all, no matter what faith one subscribes to, violations happen in this world and the book provides a chance for us to see how Rwandans in dealing with the massive human rights violations, are transcending boundaries of tribalism and hatred, and are heading towards a hopeful future with a justice that is transforming Rwanda. At the end of the book the author avails a wealth of resources available for those interested in finding help in and after tumultuous situations. As we forgive may first come across as a ‘how to forgive book’ yet as the reader turns the pages it takes one to a world in which we live where human rights violations are real, retributive justice exists and has been adopted as the best option and then bends into a justice that goes beyond retribution, one that calls for forgiveness and reconciliation. It shows that in dealing with wrong; society must opt for, revenge, retribution or restoration. It brings the reader to a stage where doubts and hope come together, where criminal justice and restorative justice are put on a stand and the one that promises hope and social progress is the best option.

The Ten Commandments of my Method

Why I cannot be accused of being a nihilist, relativist or a proponent of cynical reason ‘When someone else does what I couldn't do I learn that my failure was a Failure of skill; and there is suggestive evidence in the failure of others that my failure Was a consequence of the properties of the field.' First Commandment is to read widely, before I make conclusions on a theory. The important thing for me is to view all sides of the subject, being inclined to deviate to what I know I have to make a constant effort to make sense of other views and try to understand the varied views on ontologism. Second commandment I realize that legal reasoning in the field of human rights comes from understanding the ontological and realizing that whatever my ontology provide a basis for why I subscribe to it. I continue reading but with the mind set of whatever I believe needs to be reacted on in a critical manner. Critical thinking has often been a weak point for me, am learning to develop it here and not take things as they are without a basis or argument for my beliefs. Third Commandment is to come down on critical analysis, here I am researching but internalizing the concepts. At this stage am asking myself questions such as, why and how I have come up with the arguments. To internalize for me is to exclude voices that may otherwise interfere with my epistemology. What is directing my sense on a subject becomes the most important thing as it leads me to my fourth Commandment Fourth commandment who am I writing for? What is it I want to put forward? So what if I write this? Does anything change? Is it for my satisfaction or it is about bringing some form of change to this world? And the audience in a way starts to guide me. Fifth Commandment: This stage is never definite but at this point is where the paper starts to take shape. I set to work on the problem in human rights and start to provide arguments that defend or refute it. Here I see myself as a force of change in the politicization of refugees, and my job here is to view how African nations can best fulfill their responsibility in the protection of the refugee. Ontology and essentialism are key for me at this stage and I know I am not a nihilist because human rights is linked quite intimately with morality and enhances the idea that human beings should be treated with the uttermost respect and dignity. It is often at this stage when critiquing on one level becomes problematic as I get deeper into essentialism. Sixth commandment: The moment there is a click, I start to write my paper. It does not matter whether I start a paragraph, or the introduction, I just write. Usually there comes a point when I stop writing and return to the internalizing, research and reading process. What is interesting is that once I have started writing, the arguments start to flow; so even after I retreat to an internalizing mode, the writing gets easier because I have already chosen a path; the ideas get clearer as I flesh them out with analogies. The reason I cannot be accused of being a relativist is that this is the point where judgment is not relative to the individuals in the situation involved. In my view if it is to uphold the dignity and respect for human rights, it does not matter what a culture is based on, the standard should be to uphold the dignity of the human being. For instance if female genital cutting is done to women, my argument would be why the woman? Does she have a say to what is done to her? Why is it that it is her and not the man? How does it affect her? Does it show dignity and respect for the human being in her? Would the man have this done on himself if there was a way to do it? These may be simplistic arguments yet the questions are driving at finding a place where the woman can be treated with dignity and respect. Seventh commandment: At this stage I am never sure whether am on the right path or pretty much staggering between subjectivism and objectivity. This is the stage where Peer reviewing is most helpful, whether it is having someone look at my work or asking people questions about what they think of my views. Intentionality becomes critical as reviewing my question provides a clear image of what I am out to do and this aligns my paper to the arguments. Reviewing the question brings me to the teleogical argument as the question for me is often the center of the paper, therefore coming back to it time and again is useful. Eighth commandment: here is where I am able to view the contradictions and criticisms that others may have about my topic. After the criticisms I have to remind myself not to crash as I am doing this with a motivation for change and not a self satisfaction mission. Criticisms am learning make me stronger and better. More to that they help me understand that I have been successful at coming up with an argument and there exist views that very from my own. So I welcome the criticisms. Ninth commandment: After the criticisms, I try to define my position, basing my legal arguments with facts. Here I am aware that my audience will have several varying positions but my work and plan is to allow them view my arguments, my position may never be clear because to take a stand in law can become problematic. At this point I try to do away with the auto poetic-ness of the law. As a human rights research writer it is imperative for me to explore the surrounding arguments- selecting a limited view of a few subjects- outside the field of law and not just focusing on a specific subject as pure Law does. My job is to present positive and negative aspects of my argument. This is a critical point in my research because if I fail to do this well then my position and the goal of the paper is tarnished. So my job is to focus on conveying a message to my audience and doing it well. Tenth commandment: Define my goals for writing and structure my writing in such a way that I am understood without trying to be verbose, using present tense and focusing on who the audience is, for instance if I am writing with the goal of presenting ideas for change my sentences will be precise and concise whereas if I am writing for the purpose of critiquing theory, my sentences maybe be longer. As I conclude my methodology, my question (ontology, metaphysics, epistemology), goals (utilitarianism, teleogical arguments, intentionality, post realism auto poetics) and audience (essentialism, structuralism, legal liberalism) stand out as the most important aspects of my research.

Book Review UNHCR

GIL LOESCHER, ALEXANDER BETTS & JAMES MILNER, UNHCR: THE POLITICS AND PRACTICE OF REFUGEE PROTECTION INTO THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, (Routledge 2008) UNHCR’s core mandate is to ensure international protection for refugees and finding durable solutions to their plight. Considering the complexities of refugee problems in the 21st century, why is UNHCR stretching itself thin in taking over all responsibility for refugees over host countries of asylum? Why does UNHCR appear to work outside State help in host countries and what is the politics behind its practice? UNHCR The politics and practice of refugee protection in the twenty-first century explores the responsibilities the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) as an organization encounters. It creates a concise yet in-depth examination of the formation, structure, challenges and the future of the UNHCR in the 21st century. It delves into defining the scope and role of the organization under the 1951 Refugee Convention stating that the office was conceived to work with states to ensure refugees access to protection and to ensure that refugees would have access to durable solutions. The book comments that UNHCR has constantly been in an ambiguous position of; on the one hand, representing states interests and being dependent upon donor state funding and, on the other hand needing to influence states in order to persuade them to fulfill their humanitarian obligations towards refugees. It recognizes that striking a balance between protection and representing States interests has been the organization’s greatest challenge. The first three chapters give a background to the formation of UNHCR, its growth in the cold war and post cold war era, creating a backdrop to how UNHCR has stood the test of time and how it has expanded to fit other responsibilities such as Internally Displaced Persons (IDPs). The authors explore the origins of international concern for refugees and its emergence in the aftermath of the First World War; it explains how the dire political context of the two World Wars and the emergence of the Cold War shaped the early global refugee regime, which led to the creation of UNHCR in 1950. The authors discuss UNHCR‘s growth in the Cold War between 1950 and 1991 and the insuperable obstacles it faced in fulfilling its mandate and gives some examples of the limitations it had to adhere to, it explores UNHCR’s expansion to the developing world in Algeria, Angola, and Hong Kong placing the context in light of the changing commissioners who have led and contributed distinctly to the work of UNHCR. The Post cold war era which ushered in momentous changes in international politics is a key focus in chapter three. It gives a summarized version of UNHCR’s response to humanitarian emergencies in intra-state conflicts in light of its significant growth from a small office of 30 staff in the 1950s to the global organization with a staff of more than 6500 in 116 countries. The last two chapters examine the debates surrounding issues of UNHCR stretching itself to assume additional functions such as the role in responding to IDP situations, development initiatives or work in countries of origin. The concluding chapter presents the UNHCR as a global institution and analyzes its structure within the UN system. It defines it as an independent organization represented in the High Commissioner with a bureaucracy embedded in its own unique culture, value system and a strong relationship with donors. The book provides an interesting, yet longwinded presentation when it gives a detailed description of the work of UNHCR and how its ability to fulfill its core mandate responsibilities has been increasingly challenged by the actors of states, the changing international humanitarian environment and the changing nature of forced displacement. It explores UNHCR’s evolving role in the protection of IDPs and the challenges and controversies this involves. The authors close the presentation by highlighting the challenges UNHCR faces in responding to the needs of refuges which is greatly contained by the increasing restrictive refugee policies adopted by states. It sets out a vision for UNHCR’s future role in the global regime, outlining key challenges, that it will face and how it can best respond to them and ends by assessing the wider implications of the book’s analysis of UNHCR for understanding the role of international organizations in global governance. Those who have read Gil Loescher’s previous work GIL LOESCHER, BEYOND CHARITY: INTERNATIONAL COOPERATION AND THE GLOBAL REFUGEE CRISIS (Oxford University Press 1993) (1996) will know that it provides one of the most extensive overviews of the world refugee crisis today and argues persuasively that a central challenge in the post Cold-War era is to develop a comprehensive refugee policy that preserves the right of asylum while promoting greater political and diplomatic efforts to address the causes of flight, he presents the contemporary crisis in a historical framework and explores the changing role of the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. In a THE UNHCR AND WORLD POLITICS: A PERILOUS PATH (Oxford University Press 2001), Loescher takes a similar trend and describes the UNHCR’s path to wards embracing more than just its mandate. In James Milner’s previous book (co-author) REFUGEES, THE STATE AND THE POLITICS OF ASYLUM IN AFRICA (Palgrave Macmillan 2009), he outlines the broad range of factors that influence the asylum policies of African states. Building from these lessons, the book outlines the politics of asylum in Africa and proposes a new approach to addressing the needs of the continent's refugees. With this background come three major criticisms; Readers will therefore be quite disappointed as this book (UNHCR) draws and repeats major issues such as UNHCR being caught up in world politics and how that has caused it to expand away from its mandate. Being another of his works based on UNHCR, readers may expect Gil Loescher to take on the role of suggesting to UNHCR specific ways on how to handle problems expressed in his former work with specific regard to details on situations that UNHCR has experienced in its course of existence. Detailed examples and a clear way forward would have been expected from such a legend in the refugee field. The book seems to be another historical analysis of UNHCR and an informative research on challenges facing UNHCR in the 21st century with concluding recommendations that are familiar to us. With Gil Loescher and James Milner having already published books on the same issues discussed in UNHCR, one would come away wondering what the point of the latest book is. In some respects it is a summarized version of their works and yet a repetition of what they have been saying in several publications. It may be justified that this is their passion, to criticize UNHCR to the point that it starts to take up recommendations offered in their writings. Being the 21st century, the greatest benefit these authors may have on the complex UNHCR mission is to offer guidelines by analyzing individual crises in helping UNHCR keep states accountable in the protection of refugees. The book is co-authored by two upcoming and apparently outstanding researchers in the refugee field and former employees at the UNHCR offices in Geneva. It does not portray or elevate the co-authors voices as Loescher’s voice seems to override the two. It would have been beneficial if their voices were heard throughout the book providing insight to their individual views and experiences as UNHCR insiders. For those interested in understanding ways in which governmental structures and international organizations could be strengthened to assume more effective assistance and protection for refugees this is not the book to read. This book is for those who need to understand the complexities facing UNHCR in the 21st century and how it is widening its scope in fitting with internally displaced persons. It is a book for those who need to find an in-depth examination on the politics and practice of UNHCR today but does not add to the previous work by the authors.

A refugee story

North Africa in so many ways is far removed from what I call home, yet it is where I and many seek refuge. Our reasons for refuge are diverse, some have been forcibly removed from home, and others are in search of a different experience in life while the rest come with the idea of saving the refugee. I am my own refugee, getting away from the strife of a life I once held dear; the adage “what does not kill you makes you stronger” is well said. Since I became a refugee I am a much more positive person than I have ever been in my entire life. I am much stronger in zeal, purpose and will. That is not to say that indeed I needed the pain, but it is a tribute to what I have been through. If I was asked to change anything in life, I would never change it. I loved, loved deeply and truly and now for that I get to be a better person. What a reward, boy was it worth it or what? I love that I am more confident, the confidence comes from being able to confront the evils in a cherished life unknowingly gave me confidence to face the world in a way that I have never done before. I am learning that being in an unfamiliar territory is tough; but anyway where isn’t? For Samara’s we are harassed, complimented, insulted all in one day. One great help I have had has been having music am familiar with, music I love playing on my MP3 player while I walk the streets. It helps to ignore whatever comments are getting and helps me connect with what is familiar to me. I usually do not care whether someone compliments me on the street or insults me; all I care is that you mind your own business. That said no one here seems to do that, children to grandparents are known to stare and make the most uncouth comments to foreigners. Who teaches manners here? A man can say anything while walking with his female relative or wife; children yell insults while their parents smile. But hey, this is Egypt. So much for my refuge! And in a lot of ways it is the healing process, the realization that everywhere I go and every people or race, whoever is human, sometimes we just do not get it. We are lost in our own mess and forget that there are others involved in life. As I washed dishes, and cleaned house, I realize that I am not fussed by perfectionism anymore, I can help my roommate get her washing out of the machine because she has forgotten without wondering what is wrong with her? I can take life a lot simpler than I have done in the past and I can laugh at anything and go out and have a good time without worrying about being out too late and what effect it’s having on my life. I can dance and sing along without trying to find meaning in everything I do. And for this my life is worth living.

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 16

5th November I watched ‘la Haine’ a movie about Migrants in France. It’s interesting to see how they barely have any rights. I watched it in French without any subtitles so all I grasped was the little understanding of French that I have. What appalled me most was the fact that they do not seem to have any rights concerning what happens to them when they get arrested, and the fact that the French police seemed to terrorize them whenever they were caught. When two of the guys (Said & Hubert) were arrested, it did not seem like there was any hope for them as there was no lawyer to bail them out, and so the only option was to escape from jail after all that torture they had been through. The boys in the story were enraged because of a friend of theirs who had been killed by the police. They had a desire to find justice and justice they thought they would achieve if only they grabbed a hold of guns. At the end of the movie one of them gets killed accidently by a police man who was seemingly threatening him with a gun. It ends with Hubert killing the policeman. But one wonders, has justice been served? How can migrants integrate or assimilate in a society that is seemingly far removed from their own? And should migrants have rights? If so who should enforce these rights? This question may be problematic in France where migrants are becoming a problem. In My ‘Migration and Refugees in International relations’ class, we discuss citizenship, in-groups, and out-groups a lot in the context of migration. As a colleague beautifully summarized, “For yesterday's class we read a chapter from political theorist Bonnie Honig's book Democracy and the Foreigner. The chapter dealt with the love-hate relationship Americans have with immigrants. On the one hand, we have the myth of an America founded on the sheer grit and virtue of immigrants and on the other, we have the view of an "invasion" of "illegals" who steal jobs, form isolated enclaves where "un-American" ideals are fostered, and generally ruin the country for the native-born. Immigrants are seen as both integral to the greatness of America and as a possible force for its undoing. When this tension between xenophilia and xenophobia tilts in the latter direction, as happens during times of economic hardships and war, the "natives" of a country come more rigidly to draw the line between "us" and "them" even when "they" are native-born or have been in the country for years. In circling the wagons, people draw dangerously on insufficient or flawed understandings of that "other" that fuel hatred.”

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1st November Research organization method and why it fits my research writer personality. AS a person am inclined to want to have everything make sense for me to be able to do it. As a researcher I like to have some form of organization. Before I write down a paper or come up with one, I make a kind of diagram with topics of books I have to read, criticisms I need to come up with, arguments I might raise and peer advice concerning the topic, then I spend a few weeks filling in the diagram. At some point in the process there happens a click and at that point I start to write, whether it be my introduction or argument section or conclusion I just write. And when that is exhausted, I go back to the practicalities of searching and keep feeding my paper. This goes on until I come up with a paper, I have a friend who has been through law school and I tend to peer- review with her most of the time which has often worked out well for me. This works well for me because it makes sense but also there is a kind of form to it that I can always come back to. I know where am at as I write down during my brainstorming moments, I can see how far I have gone in the research and I am aware of what I am doing because every day I look at it and see where am stuck, or whether I need to redirect my path.

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31st October The last two days I have had a Yemeni dinner and a Halloween party both with discussions on politics and human rights, the idea that they are inextricably linked came up. I have often taken myself to be one not interested in politics and not having a desire to talk about it. The word has bad connotations for me and today when we talked about it, it appeared that being a Human rights lawyer or activist I am not going to avoid the concept of politics. Maybe the term should be changed ‘the exercise of power’ sounds better. It is this, that causes refugees, and yes it fails human beings in the area of rights. Someone wondered how I could be involved with human rights and not have any political views. I guess it is at such times when I realize I do have political views but then I cannot be bothered to discuss them. Why? I Ask myself, what happens when I share my politic views? nothing will change. How do my views matter at all, and what is point of discussing things that we cannot change? But then I remember that my dreams are to make a difference in the small possible way and when I share my thoughts and views maybe then I can blend in with others who share the same views and create some kind of movement for change, that is probably how everyone else who made a difference, made one. So yes I need to start sharing my views and speaking about what I believe in. I am of the idea that politics has a lot to do with moral values in a practical sense, it is the greed and the selfishness in mankind that corrupts politics and it is morality that creates human rights. The two are linked in more ways than one. Been reading Bernard Levy again, since the time we had to listen to his speech in class I have been more and more captivated by his ideologies and I think like him, ‘I have the writers need for secrecy. I like secrets , compartmentalize a great deal and there are areas of my life that do not communicate’ ‘I tend to watch what I say and say certain things and not others, there are areas of my ideas am very uncomfortable sharing – am not yet sure why but just maybe as I keep writing I may find out why? And it is true for me, as I keep writing I find out what why I don’t want to share some things and why things make and do not make sense. So maybe writing is doing me some good after all.

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 13

1st October Received an email with a video about how Obama is destroying America by promoting gay rights- one wonders why he should be criticized so? Before Obama became President, homosexuals were already advocating for rights, some states had already legalized gay marriages, now Obama is being accused of promoting gay rights by the evangelical Christians. I wonder why we Christians are so engrossed in accusing Obama, he has been in power for a few months and we have backstabbed him. It seems to me that evangelicals have intertwined the church and state. In the same video Obama was being likened to Tony Blair as being charming, persuasive and likeable and because of that he is going to ruin America and make it an anti God country like Tony Blair did to England. I strongly believe that a state can be founded on Christian values and principles but it can never be what everyone in that state believes in. We are individuals and people should have the freedom to choose, does not Christianity base its belief on a free will? In light of homosexuality and abortion, these are issues that people make individual choices about, no matter how illegal they become; human beings will always find a way around things. Euthanasia is illegal in England but people will fly to Belgium, The Netherlands and or Switzerland to do it.

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 12

30th September Read the ICESCR Article 10(3) which provides that states should employ / set age limits below which the paid employment of child labor should be prohibited and punishable by law. Reflecting on those little girls selling jewelry at such a young instead of going to school. It's interesting how we easily let things, important ones at that just slip through. That we are so aware of cracks in the system, but its often our selfish ends that are accomplished as some pay the price.

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29th September Had my second day training at the CMRS library, role played with Jesse the Old librarian on helping students search for books and e-journals. What has struck me has been how much information is available for students in the library. Last year I did not know all this and how I wish someone had been there to walk us through it. I see how important it is to be knowledgeable and surely ignorance is not bliss, knowledge is power and a lot safer. Just started working on my moot court case for the public law class and slept late last night reading through statutes, charters and treaties. So much to read reference and articulate. Am trying o develop a critical mind. How can I defend a country I don’t believe in? Talking with Efe helped me understand that a 'good lawyer should believe in everything and nothing all at the same time,that logic prevails over categorical imperative (The moral principle behind this is behavior determined by duty) So maybe Industria just might win this case at the ICJ! Keep fingers crossed for me

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28th September Had my first library training today with Jesse at CMRS, I love that I am going to have so much accessible to me and I am hoping that I can use it well. I enjoyed the ILLIAD library program and E journal sources system. Learned cataloguing Grey Files, Libguide search systems. I hope that I can master all this so that I can be helpful to library users which Is really my responsibility as the librarian. We had our IHRl 511 class on Skype today, I thought it was a brilliant idea and yet the internet was a menace. I impressed at how patient Dr. Korhonen was with the system, even when we l kept getting cut off and not hearing clearly. It was such an interesting experience and people were extremely cooperative. I found it helpful although reading what kind students were typing for the rest of us who could not hear clearly. On the whole what stood out for me was when she expressed that using our daily life encounters as sources for writing is one of the ways we can build our writing skills. It makes so much sense now as I reflect on what I have experienced or heard people say and how much of that I can use in my writing, I often misunderstood good writing to be based on research rather than what I encounter in my life as an individual and how my attitudes values and background form what I write about.

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27th September We left Sinai at about 3pm and the journey was relatively comfortable, the drive cheated us and the Egyptians on the bus were so mad at him, one even got furious and even wanted to fight with him. He dumped as way out of where he said he would drop us off. It was a very enlightening gesture to have people on our bus take interest in the fact that we were not being treated right. I find that every time I experience Egyptians there are a whole range of views. This was very kind; I saw them in a different light and starting to realize that it would be wrong to judge people from a onetime experience. The last year I was here, I did not have that opportunity, I had tailored trips which AUC organized and then the one we took to Dahab we had our own car pick us up from the apartment. So I was detached from the locals and viewed them from stories I had from others and a few harassment experiences I encountered.

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25th September Last night we left Cairo with the same click I went with to Khan Khalili for Tarabin village in Sinai. It’s very nice out here, no pollution and the Red Sea is amazing, spent the afternoon swimming and drunk so much of the salty water that has made my throat coarse. This afternoon as we sat out on the beach. Two Bedouin sisters’ ages about 12 and 9 years walked up to us, selling jewelry they make with their mother. Their job is to sell it to tourists and anyone else who wants to buy it. My heart went out to them. These girls do not attend school and have no thought of doing it, they know that their life’s work is to trade and one day be married off. They have rights, but who fights for them? Am not sure about the Egyptian policies on education but I am going to do my best to find out. I know Uganda introduced Universal primary education where everyone from the age of 5 to 12 goes to primary school for free. I hope that the Egyptian government can exercise that and that girls will have an opportunity to get some kind of education.

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22nd September Went to Khan Khalili with three of my West African friends, it was such an interesting evening. The guys seemed so uninterested in doing anything and just when we were able to find what we wanted, the scarfs were so expensive and it was ridiculous that someone wanted to sell us one scarf for 300le. Everywhere we went people yelled, ‘where are you from questions?” for some reason am sure they mean well but it kind of gets a bit irritating as that’s the question I have to face every single day I get out of my flat. I did the personality test and I turned out to be an INTJ which I find fitting. The professions in social science that the test came up with were Law and librarian. And true to that those are the two things that best suit me, apart from my undying desire to be a writer and do it for a living. I love the intensity of Law, am hoping I can excel and acquire all the knowledge I need to be a good Human rights lawyer. I just got a library job, working as a Library specialist for the CMRS library. It’s exciting for me as there is so much resource available to me for my research. I have training in a few days and am looking forward to it.

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21st September Today I decided to watch Entourage, a TV series I have become addicted to. Spent the evening at Beanos because for some reason there is no internet in my apartment, a starting to get wary of calling the DSL people as everything seems to be so bureaucratic. You would think that the Computer age would make things and systems better than they used to, it only seems to make things a little bit more complicated. Or maybe it is us humans who want to make things much complicated that they really are. I spent the evening taking lemon mint drinks at Beanos, love it! Did some of my reading and typing there. It’s such a nice warm and cozy café that I find refreshing, different air from being locked up in my apartment all day long. The waiters seem a lot more friendly and honest compared to Cilantro which is only a few blocks away. Is it that the managerial policies are different or is it that the temperate of the place determines how the waiters treat customers? I finally decided to attend the Evangelical church behind Mogamma where my Landlords have invited me to. I enjoyed it, still the same stares, I might as well get used to them. The struggle was listening to the sermon on the headphones which had the English version of the sermon. I knew that the interpreter was not translating word for word that put me off. It was not making as much sense as I thought it would if she did not let some words pass. My motivation therefore to learn Arabic. On my way to the church I did the most un-lady like thing, a group of about six Arab boys walk up to me while I waited to cross the road. One of them came right in front of my face- in my space and starting saying things about my color. I lost it, putting in mind that I had faced enough this week I decided to slowly take my earphones off, looking at him straight in the eyes, raised my hand and slapped him. He ran so fast and I can’t even remember what happened to his friends, they kind of just disappeared. The moment I did that I felt un-lady like and wondered whether it was the right thing to do. Yet am sure emotions overrode logic today. Maybe it was just fine after all.

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19th September Scars, marks, after a whole the pain will go, the wounds will heal, but the scars, they remain. Some fade, disappearing into tanning skin but there are those that remain, they remind you of what was. And life is like that, so many cracks, pains and struggles, but the wounds should not be a hindrance, in spite of them I will keep climbing. No matter what it takes I have to move. I have had an appetite since I came to Egypt and I realize that am starting to cook for emergency purpose, for the times when I find myself extremely hungry and I have no energy to get something to eat ASAP.

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12th September We had the Law Students Association Faluka ride today; it was beautiful seeing the sights of Cairo from the Nile at night. We were a bunch of foreigners and no Egyptian well is sure there was one Egyptian born and raised in America. It’s always interesting being in a University in Egypt with no locals in my class. I wonder what implications this has, on the university and the country?

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 3

10th September Went to Natalie’s Iftar, Sudanese, Americans, Canadians, English, Ethiopians, and Egyptians filled the boat house, such lovely people too. It’s always nice to meet a group of warm people in the midst of the harshness of Cairo. MG came over with her boyfriend, she is not the Assistant Director at AMERA, and she gave me such a boost when I told her I was thinking about working for AMERA and doing an internship. She suggested that it was a good idea and would most likely turn into a job especially if I am in Cairo for a long time. Met an African American From St. Thomas and he shared much about what he had expected coming to African but has been disillusioned by being in Egypt as a country in Africa and how African descent people are treated as foreigners. Being African and raised in Africa, I do not spend time focusing on racism as an issue, I have faced it but have learned to ignore it and move on. It is different for African Americans, African Brits and even Nubians in Egypt. I think it is because in many ways they face it in a place that to them is home without an option, I have faced it in countries not my own. I have to learn to not judge them because I started to feel like,’ please move on it will always be there’ but that is not being sensitive to the issue on their hearts. So am trying so hard to view it from the perspective of them searching for what they call home and being accepted in that place called home.

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9th September Went out with my roommate to a typical traditional Egyptian café In Horreya (Café Baladi) my Italian roommate has a wealth of Egyptian friends that I would otherwise have never met, if I had never met her. Being at AUC is a good thing although it keeps one away from the locals. The cultures and races are diverse that we end up mixing with the foreigners because we seem to share the same ideas and thoughts about being a country not our own. At this Café, Local celebrities hang out, music bands and ordinary Egyptians. Of course being black I drew much attention, An Arab man in a Galabiya smoking shisha called out to me ‘Idi Amin” I wondered how on earth he had found out where I was from. Later I realized that my roommate told this one person who kept telling everyone else who asked where I had fallen out from and in a short while I was the Ugandan in the place. It’s interesting how people associate Uganda to Idi Amin, makes me wonder whether that’s all we are known for? Bad stuff? Maybe it’s time to change our face.

Excerpts from 'A journey to finding me' Eps 1

8th September Had my first class, I am hoping I can excel in my writing skills. The professor seems really positive and it’s often good to have someone who has experience in the field, Am looking forward to learning everything from her. She also sounds like an optimistic person and am glad I am taking that class cause optimism is what I need right now. Leaving for Katameya desert w here the New campus is, every time I have been I get sick, the heat must be too intense for me, and the journey there is a bit hectic too especially when the traffic is heavy. Also this increase my eczema and am coming to the realization that I may never be able to work in Sudan- a country and place I have always wanted to work and live in. Tiidy a lady I met at AUC, who had lived and worked there, said the heat is so great that once she saw a candle being sold in the market place light up by the strength of the heat. The sun has a terrible effect on me; I get crazy headaches and gag. My desire to be there is slowly fading as a result of how the heat affects my skin. The eczema I have at the moment from the heat of Egypt is beyond what I can handle right now. So for now I will let that dream rest. Am learning to ignore the harassment on the street. Naseem and I went to El Borsa for the evening, people stare at me like I just fell out of space. Someone them literally top and just look. I always thought staring was rude, but it does not seem to be the case in Cairo. I found the lemon mint drink very nice! I hope I can learn to make it for myself. I just need a substitute for sugar.

Amanuel, Yemeni food & pondering

Just had a chat with Amanuel, my Eritrean friend and he thinks I should specialize in child or womens rights for my PHD, I am not sure I have a particular inclination to women’s rights. I may consider child rights. For some reason I have always thought there should not be a distinction between women and men in terms of rights I am of the view that there should be equal human rights but that may contradict the inclination to child rights. Am going to explore the whole women and child rights idea and see what I can do with it, Am daring to start a PHD while doing my second masters, is this the love of books or an obsession? Last night I realized that I want to teach in Africa, I have four options Seychelles being the first, as the country has just opened up its first University and am hoping that I can finally be able to teach in my dream country,perfect my French, live on an Island while doing a job I love. sounds like it only gets better from this point on! Inshallah It’s after midnight and is sleepless; I need to get some sleep so I can wake up to work tomorrow. Have spent most of the evening looking at Ugandan pictures, reminiscing, and ordered Yemen Food! Delicious, yum! Watched Julie and Julia and realized just how much I need to get some activity in my life, some personal goals that I can set for myself and achieve, without aiming at getting published or appear in a law/refugee journal. Just my own personal joy! Been thinking about cooking and baking, but am often complaining about how small my kitchen is and if I buy this and the other, am only here for a short while, what is the point…? But then really, those are all flimsy excuses. I can make my house a joy to be in instead of a place I run away from for as long as am here.

Dinners, friends, musings

A few days ago, I realized from having more people come to the library that there was more to life than just working on email. Chatting with my CMRS buddies Annie and Carl brought a whole new world to my cocoon. It’s interesting how at a time when Uganda is fighting for a bill that will hang gay people, is when I find my first gay friend. I have heard of gay people but never quite had a friend. Everyone should meet Carl and even as I write this I hate the fact that am terming him as gay. He is open about it and is actually writing a thesis on gay and lesbian refugees which to be honest am interested in reading. I got a chance to ask about what gay means to an individual and also what people's ideas on relationships were. This was followed by a Yemeni dinner where one of us was gay, one is open to having a relationship with either a guy or lady whoever she feels a physic connection to, I am 'straight' whatever that means, and the other is in an open relationship. Any Ugandan reading this will wonder what kind of hell I went to. I think these are the most interesting people I have met this year, sexual orientations put aside. I am learning that we are so fast at defining people by their sexual orientation that the person ceases to matter. Ceases to be more than their sexual orientation, Is that what life is? What defines us and who we are? I am not here to change anyone after all am just another mortal being. At Halloween I went to a party where I had the chance to talk to Phil who has lived in Uganda for 3 years, and I must say I was glad to hear more comments on Uganda than the normal, ‘its beautiful, nice people!" He found out that Ugandans can be the most unsympathetic people when it comes to accidents, which is horrendous. He talked about getting down on his knees to help someone who had been knocked down by a car and helping while people would surround him and laugh- is this to say that it happens too often that people have taken life less seriously? He also noted that Ugandans are the most homophobic people when it comes to homosexuality and we are extremely closed minded. I like to think that am open minded, yet there are times I find myself being so critical of others as a result of differing views. This always brings me to my upbringing and the critical analysis comes down to the fact that a traditionally rooted society amplifies the African proverb, “to him who does not know a bush is a forest." I get irritated by Egyptians calling me ‘Samara’ but Ugandans do the same to ‘bazungu.” You just never realize how irritating it is until you get it, and hearing Phil’s exasperation at being called mzungu made me click. I find it strange when I get stared at as though I just walked out of a forest or some special jungle, today I walked into a store I always go to right opposite my apartment building and this boy stopped all he was doing and literally stared at me without blinking, I wanted to ask him whether his parents have not taught him how rude it is to stare, but it was his dad who was selling me stuff. I decided to let that pass. There have been a few incidents I would rather not share . I hope that one day; Egypt will be a place where women can be given an ounce or two of respect. I have just returned from dinner with Amanuel and his wife, She made me a special Eritrean/ Ethiopian meal which I must say was delicious! And then she polished my toe nails! I can’t quite remember when I got such treatment. I particularly liked injera this time, the first time I had it, I did not. Apparently it is just like maize, no nutritional value. Am back to my house which is becoming my shrine, I have a roommate I talk to on phone and that is about it, when I see her she is on her in or out. Some people say it’s a good thing, I would prefer to have a roommate to talk with for longer than ten minutes, but hey, am not complaining. I love the solitude and yet am afraid am getting overly comfortable in it. It’s been the one day since school started that I have stayed in all day and done no academic study- well sort of, I read a book and watched a movie on Migration. So not really I have studied but just at a different angle.

The return

Back to Egypt, its hot and humid, not ideal weather for one who perspires a lot and dreads heat, am already anticipating and looking forward to the winter. Yet I am here because I want to be, because I know that there is much for me here to make something out of the future I so desire and want to create. Coming to Cairo was a pre-meditated plan , yet it was also a scapegoat from a ridiculously unstable life. I have met so many people who long to live in America and even wonder why I came back to Cairo. Some ask, 'Why didn't you just study there?" I smile and say I am back! I am coming to realize that we are all an amazing mix of people, all of us designed for a life creatively curved for each of our desires and dreams and hopes. Life in America is great, but just not for me. My heart is in Africa, its in a world that defines my attributes and dreams. A world where I fit, it may never be perfect with the racism and the tribalism, but hey, it's where I fit. Am excited about the prospects, I start work tomorrow as a Teaching Assistant, for a Professor and Director of the Center for Migration & refugee studies, and honestly am humbled by this position. I never expected it not did I even apply for it. As an African Fellow I get this privilege, I am going to be drawn into a field of academics and academicians. He took me around the office on Thursday, introducing me to people who are doing great refugee research projects that will hopefully change refugee and humanitarian work In the Middle east and Africa for the betterment of the refugee. Its an awesome privilege for me and I am extremely honored. My greatest prayer at the moment is that I will be the best that I can through learning from all these amazing minds and methods. Maybe I will even start one of my Thesis' early. Am a dual masters student, not sure at the moment whether I will finish International Human rights law here or else where. For now I am on the fellowship and I start classes on Monday, after the Thursday Law dept If-tar, I am excited and optimistic about being a Human rights lawyer, I want to be a force of change in some way, small or big. I want to pursue my dreams and not anyone else' I want to know myself better than anyone knows me, so that I can achieve the greatest potential that is in me. Its been one of those Saturdays where I sit in, read, watch movies, talk with Edefe like forever on chat and skype throughout and eat Ice cream. I tried making rice and chicken and I gagged! I can not stand chicken anymore, meat has become detestable to me.Maybe am really supposed to be vegetarian. My roommate is lovely she makes me laugh. She speaks with so much expression (an Italian gift)and is often out partying, oh the good old days of 25! She came in at 7am this morning and went out at noon, and will not be back till 7am tomorrow morning am sure. Oh the life! I am afraid that will strike me in my 40s, at the prime of life!

Thing about the law is that it never stands still, it is a reflection of society!- Drop Dead Diva

Jumbled thoughts, happenings...

All over the place I have been. found a job, then found another one...been spending so much time running errands. One of my highlights is being able to get a library card. Borrowed Tolstoy's War and Peace today and am excited about starting it. I have not transcribed in a week cause i have been procrastinating,have been able to maneuver on the highway and make it home safe. Some one wrote me an email today and said she had been to Bermuda where everyone is lovely and great and they just say hello and chat even when they don't know you. For a moment I wondered whether such places exist these days? then i realized its just me, its where I am, a lot of things in this world and life never really changed, Solomon said everything is the same, life is just a circle, it always comes back just the way it used to be. some places am sure just stay the same others completely change for a season. I am running now, really running, I have lost a few pounds (not saying how many, until my goal is reached!) I have learned that to run well you must start at a low speed and get used to it, increase as you get better and one day you shall surely run. I decided to drop the whole 30days to live journal cause I was learning so much in a number of days and could not keep up with the daily occurrences and lessons. I have more than 30 days to live anyway so I decided to drop it! learn to live humbly and love passionately. Did I mention that I finally found a beautiful gym skirt and its pinkish/purple? it is one of my motivations to work out. for the first time in my life,I have lost my big toe nail and it looks yurk!

Day 3

Even though working out is a good thing, It can be quite disorienting when I don't give it its proper time and place. I tend to do it in the mornings between 10am and 12 noon, but after that I want to do nothing else but read... and write. there is jewelry to make and emails to write, and people to talk to. So I guess I need to set a specific time every day like give it 5am in the morning, aw that hurts, why should I be waking up at that time? Anyway I will try it and see how it goes, so starting tomorrow am going off at 5am and beginning my day save for when I have pilates classes.Metaphorically am not buried beneath frozen tundra but I practically live in the Tundra. Right now I am much more hopeful about life, Spring for sure has come and new life is in view. Emotionally frozen?? nah, not now, not in the near future inshallah!

Day 2

My biggest regret if my life were ending in a few weeks, would be being away from My parents and siblings, it would be not being in the home I grew up in because for me the roots go well deep. Am not sure I suffer from the someday syndrome, I often end up doing what I want to do. I have not made jewelry in a couple of weeks which I have committed myself to doing. I also want to go to Italy live there for a year, Live in France for three to five years and live in Greece for a year. After this I would like to take my parents to Seychelles for a month's holiday and then return to Uganda and raise my feet up, live like a Queen and wait to pass on - this though would never be incorporated in a few weeks, yet this is not for someday that is for when I get money. I tend to travel whenever I get the money to, Am not sure I would spend a year saving for a trip, yet I like to save for a rainy day. If I was fully engaged my life would look like the building in the picture; and since I do not know how much time I have left I am going to start building strong foundations for every aspect in life, relationships and career...

I know

This morning I decided to go find a short gym skirt after seeing a lady at the gym with one last evening-so much for coveting. So before heading off to the gym, I popped into JC Penny's but there was naught. Then I went to Sears where I found a great number of them gym suits, skirt and top going for about $57, I gaped. Decided to keep looking and found a set in the 40% off rack, tried three on, looked horrible. There was a time when I looked great in short skirts now my thighs are ridiculously large and put me off completely (a little exaggeration there) but I did not like the look anyway,am starting to think that I have been used to covering up so much especially with the intense caution about covering up in Cairo. it does not matter how long you live in Egypt, you get traumatized by the harassment that Egyptian men are known for on the street and start to cover every part of your skin that might just cause some attention. So the story goes I was determined to find myself a nice short gym skirt for working out and feeling good about myself. I finally found one that was going for $15, tried it on, felt good about it and went off to pay for it, with all the images of me on the treadmill looking like I know that I look good and I know where am going. Counter lady scans it, turns out it's $25, I explained to her about the rate on the rack and persuaded her to come with me so I could show her, she came, saw and went off to ask her manager who came and pulled the whole set of gym skirts and took them away, muttering something about a mistake. Face fell, told counter lady I was not taking it and went off to work out in my usual tights. Now I would have bought it but why does the Army just take so long to pay our soldiers who give their lives to service? Some may ask why don't you just have a job that pays? I have been at the application process for ages, done interviews and have come out with a volunteer job which I am enjoying and depending on the hubby to provide, but is that not what life was meant to be? Then why did I pursue all that schooling and more is coming? I know that I need it, I know I will look good in a tiny short skirt again, I know that I will get a job soon, I know that one day I will have more money than I do now, I also know that I will go to school again, even so am content with my tights for now.

Faith like Potatoes

Everybody I talked to said, everyone fails the first road test in either Minnesota or the US. I practiced my parallel parking to the point of obsession, started dreaming that I was parallel parking and prayed over it with Tracy a good friend of mine whose Husband has been tireless at helping me with all that I needed to do to pass my road test. afternoon I had my test and parallel parked perfectly according to the instructor,I passed my test and the boost that I have to participate on the road is indescribable now as am bubbling with joy. Drove back in traffic and had fun doing it, changing lanes as though I have been at it for years, a luxury we don't have that much in Uganda considering the size of our roads. I feel more in control now, with much more on my hands. I am extremely thankful to my friends who took time to help me out, with rides to places when I could not dare risk a long ride on the road without a license. Yet one thing is certain, I believed that I would pass my test first time I did it, despite the discouragement I got, and trust me this discouragement was not intended for me as an individual but it has become the norm that the first test is often failed. I decided to put my faith in God and told Him to help me when I had to do parallel parking and indeed He did. When I did my test in Uganda I practically failed parallel parking, did not pay a bribe but got my license anyway. My brother who went with me insists that the Police Instructors only favored me. Spent time at the YMCA today, I have postponed all my yoga classes as I still have to conclude a conversation on Yoga with a friend who thinks there is more to it than fitness, she is concerned about the whole meditation orientation. So I have resorted to maintaining my time at the gym walking miles and increasing my steps daily.Today was great as I spent 65 minutes without any interruption. Watched 'Faith like Potatoes' amazing true story, faith is a real attribute that can only manifest greatly when placed in God. I am always perplexed that it is often the people who lead us, who question our faith in times of crisis. But faith is one of those attributes that is essential for any relationship. Faith like potatoes is one interesting phrase yet I realize that potatoes(Irish ones as Ugandans say) can not be seen when ready, so even the planting process can be a faith move but even greater when there is drought. As the book "One month to live' says that the life of faith that everyone calls ridiculous is the only way to live. Hoping that my faith will be as that of Angus Buchan in 'Faith like potatoes'

You are God alone

You are not a god Created by human hands You are not a god Dependant on any mortal man You are not a god In need of anything we can give By Your plan, that’s just the way it is [chorus] You are God alone From before time began You were on Your throne Your are God alone And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone You’re the only God Whose power none can contend You’re the only God Whose name and praise will never end You’re the only God Who’s worthy of everything we can give You are God And that’s just the way it is [chorus] [bridge] Unchangeable Unshakable Unstoppable That’s what You are By Philips, Craig & Dean

Jesus take the wheel

Songwriters: James, Brett; Lindsey, Hillary; Sampson, Gordie; She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati On a snow white Christmas Eve Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy With the baby in the backseat Fifty miles to go and she was running low On faith and gasoline It'd been a long hard year She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention She was going way too fast Before she knew it she was spinning On a thin black sheet of glass She saw both their lives flash before her eyes She didn't even have time to cry She was so scared She threw her hands up in the air Jesus, take the wheel Take it from my hands ?Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance To save me from this road I'm on Jesus, take the wheel It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder And the car came to a stop She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat Sleeping like a rock And for the first time in a long time She bowed her head to pray She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life I know I've got to change So from now on tonight Jesus, take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance To save me from this road I'm on Oh Jesus, take the wheel Oh, I'm letting go So give me one more chance Save me from this road I'm on From this road I'm on Jesus, take the wheel Oh, take it, take it from me Oh, why, ooh

At tee tude

Like a constantly turning prism reflecting a multitude of colours, so my focus, my mindset, is manifested on the paths and walls of my life in splintered and fractured hues. My attitude about others and myself reveals my focus; my priorities, pursuits and contentment reflect this same focus. Our focus is demonstrated by contentment or lack of it- in who we are and what we are doing. And every day I realize that our focus is shown in casual conversation. Our thinking, our mindset is disclosed nearly in everything we do and say. Having an open mind helps me focus on learning more about God and being sensitive to the needs of those around me.

Searching, learning, finding

It's been raining, for some reason I woke up this morning with a disturbing notion that I should not drive to the Bank where I had to pay for the car, I tried making all kinds of calls to find out whether I could pay online and it just was not possible, so I had to dread the rain and vamoose. I got there safe and returned in just one piece. Maybe again it's that time of the month when I never quite understand myself, you know the emotions change. I had to do an oil change as well and the guy said there is this problem with my cooler that may affect the engine...I have always dreaded car talk...now am here listening to it with no choice, hoping when Milton returns he can somehow sort it out but then the car may not wait that long, so? No idea really. Am home now; Transcribing all over again, more work came in last week and I have been pushing it all in the name of the Army wives dinner.Now the dinner is done and past I have had to pull myself together and listen to more refugee stories. My life is filled with Muslim friends and I sense that I need to know more about Islam, huh? Yes I do. So I used Vuze- which by the way is the most exciting program for downloading movies, documentaries and audio book- to get some stuff on Islam I found so much on Islam and even though while in England I had done a course on Islam I just found out that the Islamic faith is based on Galatians 3:26, as longs as you believe in God every one is one- Unity is the focus. But what happened to believing through Christ? Why is the concept of God manifesting himself through the Son and Holy Spirit despicable? Is it us humans who should determine how He should manifest himself or Is He not God almighty who can choose how He manifests? Those questions am pondering on. My friend Steve and tend to have discussions on Islam and Christianity every other week as he is thinking about converting to the Islamic faith because to him the concept of One God makes more sense and if he ever got broke would decide to be an evangelical preacher.Interestingly am enjoying the Islamic documentary, it confounds my Faith in Christ even more.

No future in the past

It has been one of those weeks where am not interested in writing down anything, my loss. Am reading what If you only had one month to live? I would most definitely get onto the first plane to Uganda and spend time with my family. We never have control of the date we are born or the date we die but we sure do have control over the in between and what we do with that is what counts for life. Am learning that its not slefish for me to invest in myself seeing as am not my own but was bought with a price therefore honouring God with my body is what counts for me. While at the gym this morning, this lady jumped on the trademill next to mine and she fell flat on her face, the trademill was moving while she got onto it and for about 10 or so seconds before I stopped mine and yelled for help the her face was on this moving mill. I had a rush of cold blood. She said she felt fine, quite traumatic I would say. later she said to me, " you can see how in no time we are done, I have been working out for three years and this has never happened to me." while we may never know what happens tomorrow we have control of the right nowm am learning that there is no future in the past and so the best I can do for myself is move on. Though the waves have been strong He gives inner peace. I walk as graceful as a duck yet underneath I puddle. God knows what its like. Jesus felt it, lonely and forsaken, that's how I felt days ago. No meaning to life, strange fears, confusions- He says to be still. In my pressures - to seek peace. In my complexities to seek simplicity. In His presence to find true purpose. And now I know that God always answers the deep questions of my soul.

Yearnings

Everyday I desire to be Holy. I come short, my heart bleeds when I cant get there I realise am trying too hard. my heart is prideful. My knees drop, my heart weeps, am weary. I stretch, reaching out for His hand, His grasp and then He holds, not letting go. Am secure held in the Father's grip, I sigh wanting, craving for more of Him, His embrace. Secure in Him I laugh because that is where I should have and always should be... In the Father's embrace. Where am totally me, unlovely yet loved, tamed yet wild, sought and soothed. That's where I want to be always.

Made to submit

It does not seem to matter where we come from, no matter where people live or end up there is often a great longing and desire for a higher power, the Arabs had their Kaaba before Islam, the Africans had their ancestors while others evoked spirits from of old, while others used Voodoo, both Latin and Native Americans had their own spiritual worship, the Chinese have their own gods while the Caucasians had some kind of witchcraft, as the Romans had Caesar and Kings and the Jews had God. Why do we all long for a higher power. For something greater? Is it that we all have that innate instinct to pursue what we were made from and for? For all people whatever we do for our spirits is an expression that there is something greater we are aware of even in the subconscious. One God, one people? hmmm!? Poets are known to speak through a voice of desire, desire for a better life, better politics, does that sound like a contradiction? Better Politics!? In a cosmic way power and tenderness come together in poetry. In Poetry water and paradise are symbolically tied to one another. Yet for the imagery in poetry, desire remains on paper, orally told. what is it about life that restricts us from living the desire expressed in poetry,David and Solomon did... live out truth, express who we are and be unashamed to pursue what we know is true. Living in deceit is much more distressing than living in truth. Just watched Angel heart and even though he tried to cry out that he knew who he was, he had nothing to fall back on, when Lu Ci fer insisted he owned him. The love of money, not too much though,was enough to keep him doing what he did not know and because of the fact that he thought he knew who he was,he had not submitted to anyone greater than Lu Ci Fer. Roosevelt once said, "Men can never escape being governed, if from lawlessness or fickleness from folly or self indulgence, they refuse to govern themselves, then in the end they will be governed by others.' I believe that God through Christ lives in me and because of that my Life is governed by him and in him I live my Life.

Another day, more thanks

Am extremely energetic at this midnight hour, funny how this is when am active and ready to go, just when the world is retiring,no wonder I miss Cairo the city that never sleeps, I miss the nights I stayed up till 6am studying with breaks on my balcony watching men smoke shisha and parents taking 2am walks with children. People often say there is no freedom in the Arab world, but what is freedom? I have just finished tidying up my house and creating room for my five guests tomorrow, army talk will top the dinner table and women may just break down because they cannot cope with the impending deployment of out men with the Presidential increase in troops to the Middle East, not to fight for freedom noted...but to destroy Alkaeda a theme constantly stressed by the present American President. I hope I can be a great support to my friends during this time. My husband and I have barely been together since courtship and marriage, in some ways I don't feel the pinch of this as those with children. I can not even start to imagine the effects, yet am hoping that we can all cope and be a great support to each other. My sister called today from a faraway land and as usual we talked for two hours, laughing and feeling unconsciously refreshed. Family has a way of making me immensely grateful for Life.

Yesterday I decided to trim the nails on my two big toes, the moment I had clipped one atrocious looking nail a burst of clear gel like fluid spilled out. Did I mention that the toes had been hurting for a week and all I was doing was massaging them, somehow am sure the nail grew into the flesh and the fluid was supposed to be one of those that circulate in the body and was clogged in the toe. I have also been doing alot of yoga and the dog pause puts quite a big of pressure on the toes. Now my toes feel so much better, my brother who I have been chatting with thinks I have jiggers???? If anyone has gotten jiggers, trust me they are not something to even want to experience. I got jiggers once on a family holiday in my Mother's countryside home where pigs were in abundance. The itch is as irritating as a hair growing on the chin...now you know I have experienced both. Life am learning is a game you can not win if you do not play, so am playing. Today I laughed and enjoyed my own laugh. I went for my first Pilates class with one the army wives and then went out for lunch at Boston something...cant remember what it was but am glad that there was out door sitting and the sun was all out. It seemed to me that the universe had decided to join forces to make my day happy and bright. We sat out seeping Ice tea and eating wraps with chicken and tuna. what more could army wives ask for? I am not particularly keen on the army, because am not sure I believe in wars, then the army is quite fast at calling people to active duty but very slow at paying them. I wonder how housewives with children are making it everytime our cheques delay?

Chances

I just came back from watching Last Chance Harvey, raw honesty truly does give strength. Sometimes it is all that can save us from the continuous stiff upper lip that we have made a part of us. Whoever told us that truth was not worth it, that keeping one's feelings and emotions were better off than being plain and simple, destroyed who we are. The constant need to be something or someone else burns the soul, scalding it to the point of a look alike acidic burn. There are truly last chances in life and I know this too well. I am quite tolerant of people especially when I love them, but it gets harder as they tread on my heart, and it hurts me to know that during this season I know for sure that we are heading towards the end of my rope, when I will say fare thee well. It actually twists my heart because for me it is a total giving up.There are doors and there are windows and there are roads that lead to many places, many of those roads may meet again or maybe just go further away and life just has to go on. For each one is but a lesson for us to make us better and to make us learn to love, give and serve. This week for the first time in my life I have had to pump air into flat tires on my car, jump start the car when the battery died and today went in to have it changed because it had aged so...I went to my third Yoga class and realized how un-proportional and I lack a sense of body balance. Does this mean the earth is not in alignment for me? If so then I can understand why for a while I struggled keeping to my lane while on the highway. Anyway, My body used to be proportional but for some reason I stopped looking after it, now am determined to work at making my life the best life ever. Three of my siblings are engaged in the same year and they live countries apart, they are not in their mid twenties but in their mid thirties and knowing them I know it is not some kind of excitement but a determined purpose to love and live, I pray for them and happy for them, am looking forward to weddings this year. With the new adjustments am making, the realization that my body needs looking after, the lessons am learning from movies and cars and my new growing family, for that I am thankful. I have a chance to meet new family, to love them and to travel even more. I have a chance at life and am hoping that each day I can smile because I am part of a great people and life.

A Father who makes God tangible

How can you love someone so dangerous? someone who could kill you in a span of a moment not because they want to but because they are made to? How could someone like this love another? Just watched Twilight, the intensity and depth of loving someone so deeply and finding that for all the time you thought you were in love they were reckless with your heart. Said they were faithful and true and one day it is all lies. How could you love someone who said the same things to you to four other people? It is better to love someone who tells you they have had one hundred partners than someone who says they have never had one and find out later that all they said were lies. Lies eat the heart out, they create huge holes of distrust and resentment, it is no wonder that Solomon said he who lies hates those he lies to.A friend has forgiven her husband for all that he did, the lies and the cheating but the pain stays on, it comes in flashes triggered by small things. Mail came in today to another,it angered her, she was disgusted as she looked at it and pondered on tearing it apart.what seemed like a kind gesture from a lover miles away triggered off thoughts of how many more postcards he may have sent to others. she called a friend, the friend said that she would have to cast off those thoughts and try to be positive, live her own life and take care of herself. But how could she live her own life when her life was so intertwined with this dangerous and unsafe man? love is simply the way we treat other people, we make it complex, think it is the way someone makes you feel and shiver with passion; but that anyone attractive to the eye can make happen. Love is a commitment to keep my word to you no matter what and when I am not able to keep it that I can come to you and say am sorry but am willing to make amends. Love does not go on hurting you even when you know how much it pains and tears me apart. No that is not love. he said, 'when I hurt you don't just close up.' What? he does it all the time, what does he expect me to do? to hug him everytime he hurts me and say 'oh please do it again, I love you.' I know why you do it. How can someone be so cruel. In Twilight Edward Collins is dangerous but safe, because he learned to master himself, to develop some kind of self control. In The Chronicles of Narnia, Aslan was dangerous but safe because He knew he had an agenda to make things dangerous. When I watched Twilight I longed for a man like Edward, a man who would be honest with me yet want me to be safe, a man who would do his best to keep me away from danger, away from people he knew so well were just like him and knew what they would do. King Arthur and the Knights are the kind of men that every woman would want to have, men who know the value of lives, men who know that to protect is to love, men who would give their very lives for something. No one wants a man who cant control himself, a man who is selfish and lives life to satisfy his own needs. Sad to say those are the kind of men that are abundant today -Saxon men re modified. A man honest about his weakness is a strong man, a man working at his weakness is even stronger. This may sound bitter, yet this is what is all around me, a number of my friends today are going through men problems after giving all they had and being treated like trash. I have read about and seen some wonderful men who have given all for the sake of their families, I applaud my father, for he is the one man I know that keeps me hoping that there are still good men out there. My father is nothing special, it is not as if he was cut from some special tree and made to live, but he has purposed to make his life worth while for the sake of the lives that he brought to this world. My father will eat after we have eaten or made sure there is enough for us first, in a world where men usually have their meal before anyone else does. My father went with one pair shoes for years while we were going to school to make sure we had shoes and clothing, he had no new shirts or trousers for years yet we were clothed. My mother tells a story of how she had saved up some money and she could not stand seeing my father a government official going to work with tears on his collar all because we had to be dressed and schooled, so she took him to the town and bought some new clothes. My father is my hero, people say I blow for him a lot yet it is I and my siblings who know too well that a good man is one that puts his family first and keeps his commitments no matter what the temptations.Now that am writing again, this is all for my father who keeps me going even though he is miles away, a man who cares to text me and call me to check on me, a man who prays for me when we talk on phone ,a man am so proud to carry his blood in my veins. I am confident that I have good blood because my father has made my life worth the living, for me he makes God tangible. Is that not why God created families that we would experience heaven on earth.