Fear & Sovereign Power

Rethinking Refugees (2006) Peter Nyers Extract (Page 51-52) Fear is an enigmatic concept, one that expresses some of the deepest contradictions and paradoxes of modern political life. On one hand, the meaning of fear is all too apparent and obvious. Fear, we know, is an intense emotional reaction to a real or perceived danger; it is something that causes us either to fight or to take flight. And yet, to pin down the meaning of fear is a decidedly a slippery task. "Fear, like pain, is overwhelmingly present to the person experiencing it, but it may be barely perceptible to anyone else and almost defies objectification.” When fear is present, its effects may be too intense to consider it with any degree of detachment. Conversely, when emotion is assent, its meaning remains elusive. It is not surprising; therefore, that Aristotle once refereed to fear has a “kind of depression or bewilderment.” Or that Edmund Burke was compelled to write, “No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.” These views are still commonly held today. Fear, it is often said, involves a kind of forgetting of oneself, a loss of self that can lead to feelings of intense alienation and anxiety. Instead of providing a solid foundation on which personal subjectivity is founded and cultivated, fear is a radically decentring and deauthentifying experience.

Dinner with Biance & Nicole, Cake with Matt

I loveeeeeeeeeeee Biance & Nicole!!! Bianca and I have kind of had dinners together every other week and its become a tradition for us, now its gym on tuesday eveninings and then dinner and a movie. This week we have had it on wednesday and I invited Nicole too. We might start an African girls night- we can start writing or reading poetry and maybe we might make a difference somehow! We have had such a great evening, I made dinner and they came over. We laughed so hard, talked about homosexuals and black people. I always end up talking about Efe in my conversations, its as though am trying to remind myself that no one should take her place in my Cairo memoirs. We talked about Cairo and the craziness of the place, the people and the sexual atmosphere in the city and the Middle East. What strikes me about Cairo is the contradictions of the place. It's depicted as a place of holiness yet there is so much ha-ram going around. Went to the gym, Mohamed was better today, he has ulcers- I feel for him. I hope he gets better. We talked for ages and I kind of understand him better every time I talk with him. God heal him, he is in so much pain and fatigue everyday from the medication. Aiman just sent me a message, its so sweet. I have such lovely friends- am so thankful for them...meanwhile I am way too tired to concentrate on my analysis and conclusion. I did some cases today on the UK asylum process problems, eye opening and I think am going to do a comparative analysis of Kenya, UK and Egypt and Egypt seems to come out as the most favorable despite its huge faults and human rights violations. Kenya seems to have their violations embedded in the refugee consitition and the UK is one that treats the indvidual as a thing rather than as a human being. So even if has made reservations to the refugee convention, its not the only one that has, but at least it has allowed UNHCR to assess RSD and has hosted several refugees and for that, I applaud it. Miss Mother and father so much. Precious people! tomorrow New campus, yay! bus trip... excited sort of cause I get to practice going there. Nicole and Biance were saying how there are yoga fitness and pilates classes at the New campus gym, how cool is that? am actually starting to want to be there. Oh I almost forgot, this afternoon I was desperate for something to eat on my way to the gym and I had been craving cake, so I pass by Costa to get some cake and could not find a place to sit, Matthew offered me a seat at his table seeing as he was alone and we actually did chat a bit. He seems quite reserved and shy. He has also lived in Kenya for a year and a half. Talking about it made me miss East Africa and being with Nicole today brought back all those memories, she is from Burundi and seems wonderful! Anyway, thing is Matt and I keep bumping into each other and today we ended up talking, we have bumped into each other in my apartment elevator, on campus way too many times, were supposed to have dinner twice with Wawa and Kristen and somehow he could not make it, and then today finally we get to talk and am kind of hoping we don't bump into each other again, cause I feel like we know each other but we never really have much to say to each other. Its such a small huge place this Cairo. A city of more than 20million people and yet foreigners just seem to know each other a bit too much.

Are gay rights, rights? Just a question

The fight for human rights has taken some dodgy discourse. Today people are fighting for gay rights, abortion rights, maybe soon we might need fornicator and adultery rights. Speaking with Ray, one of the African fellow-colleague today at the library, he was narrating his recent and on going discussion with Carl(a good friend of mine) on gay rights and the bible. I don't believe in gay rights,because I do not believe in homosexuality. I love Carl and he knows that am sure but homosexuality has its place in a dysfunctional lifestyle, yet what I believe we should be working at is a lifestyle that pleases God if we believe in him or that one believes in, and if he does believe in homosexuality that can not make me hate him. Am sure not all my friends believe in what I believe in and for that am thankful; yet when it comes to the basics and foundational belief in God I think that homosexuality is beyond intellectual rhetoric and that there is just no way I can justify the act. We all struggle with things in life, yet it we were to give into everything we wanted, what a world we would be living in. I can only imagine the number of people who would have been murdered by others. Anyway, bottom line Human rights and gay rights are distinguishable, if the human rights we have are by virtue of being human and they are inalienable then freedom is one of them, so why need an extra gay rights. And to argue homosexuality based in the Bible becomes in itself a discourse of contradiction,because there are plain and clear illustrations of what life should be and was meant to be, and again we tend to use certain scriptures without the coherence of scripture on the topic. Another issue comes in when thesizing(for lack of a better word, I like to create my own, after all language is dynamic) one's personal desires into rights becomes problematic, because then we may have vegetarians demanding that meat is not to be sold in the markets together with vegetables. Everything will become a potential right. So what are rights?

Human Rights week, Falaki

Spent the day at the Human rights booth at Falaki, Old Campus. It was unbearably hot today, made my head hurt so and gave me a weary look. But It was great fun, raising money for the Burundi Refugee foundation which was started by a former IHRL student at AUC. We sold T-shirts, took loads of pictures and had Eritrean food for lunch. There was much to look at, at the Refugee bazaar had several students coming by to buy stuff,met interesting and odd people. I often get a bit put off when someone comes to talk to me about color and separates me from the rest because am black. This one Nubian guy came to my booth and started chatting to me about color and what Africa is about and should be, it bothers me that people spend so much time focusing on the color of our skin than on the more important things in life; and when I get put off they think am rude, truth be told am just fed up. Aiman, a Nubian Egyptian was ever so kind, he had the kindest eyes I saw today and told me much about Pharaoh and Egypt and Sudan cause his dad is from Sudan, his mom from Egypt. He came back after saying goodbye and brought his phone number to me- my friends were balling. I could not help but smile, he was so shy but then again am wondering what he expects me to do with his number. My chat today was interesting as I in the middle of selling T-shirts and telling people what human rights week was all about. I kind of dropped it for a while and am sure Kat and Wawa must have thought I was the most un-serious person ever. Anyway it got tricky when I was tearing while telling Dickens my saga...but that I managed to cover up, I should not be talking about hurtful things as they only make me sadder. Its kind of scary that when I talk about it now, the pain is as real as when it was happening, will it ever go? or maybe I should somehow just practice pretending ti didnot happen. I wish I could do that, the mind is a dangerous thing I must admit. I find Dickens very kind hearted, he understands me and I don't have to guard my words with him as much as I do with others, somehow its so freeing to feel like we are buddies and nothing has changed( even if it has). I am glad that I can have him for a friend, and even though am not sure why we ended up talking now, am glad that we did. I miss being in Uganda, I miss being able to see my friends, and laugh so hard that I cry. I miss home, its actually sad that I don't miss it as much these days - that's maybe cause am writing much and reading much. But I remember how homesick I was in the States and in January. Got to chat with Marwa and she desperately wants to travel round Africa. one more person on the Africa tour... Michael Oskin, Steve Gallo and Myself were planning this East African trip and now I think its about to happen, Ethiopia, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Burundi, Malawi and Mozambique will be the first batch of places for a road trip, we'll do all these in a month and see how that goes. left the booth at about 9:40pm and was knackered, was supposed to have dinner with Fawziah but it didn't happen so I came home straight and here I am writing instead of hitting the sack.

Quiet Morning

Quiet morning, my roommates are out early these days, so I get to have the house all to myself and have the volume way up high. Dreamed last night that I was back in my Minnesota house and it was all good. Don't know what to make of that. woo! My body aches... I have done some crazy workouts this week. Am starting to realize that there is so much to do in life, and the body, this body oh it might just never get used to all the new exercises. Meanwhile I am back on face book and its not even funny! Annie has my password so I can log in only once a day and practice some kind of self control, but the desire to peep in is great...maybe that's why we have rules in life, cause some of us just lack self control. Had a long chat with Mohamed last night at the gym, he has developed ulcers, says he knows why cause he was sad a few years ago- so much going on. It makes me realize how much we hurt and suffer and our bodies suffer the consequences after a while. Its funny how in my meditation and yoga fitness lessons its all about letting go of grievances and choosing miracles, and letting go of people from our minds that we would have let into our homes. The mind and body are essential for health and well being and until we allow God's absolute peace that goes beyond human understanding to dwell in us, only then will we find complete health. Starting Analysis and Conclusion today, I hope I can make 20 pages of that! Asked Dr. Outi Korhonen to be my Thesis supervisor, she accepted! yay! I am so pleased.... its crazy how much Graduate studies is about writing and writing and writing, you just cant get away with this writing thing...

Getting on

Came to New Cairo, NC on the bus and did not feel as bad as I always do, I guess my mind has finally adjusted to the fact that I will not get away with coming here. So I am starting to enjoy the rides... a good book and its all done! Am reading 'The Cambridge Companion to the African Novel" Edited by F. Abiola Irele, fantastic book and a comprehensive analysis on African authors and writing.I have decided that am going to get all the books on African writers from Ngugi Wa Thiongo to the Latest African writers. I kind of miss Pacesetters- those were classic ones. Am hoping that my children will read only African writers for the first few years - 10years of their lives, understand who they are in the African context and move on to meddle with all the other literature... even my favorite Jane Austen. Shakespeare and Charles Dickens will have to wait for a while... Am in the library and i like it... nice place to study and do work in comfortable chairs... Naseem called and said we have money!!!!!!!!! yay! Am excited, unexpected cash is always good, maybe I will actually get a bridge done from the Dentist!

Thesis Yoga & Annie moments

Annie came over and we had a fitness yoga session for half an hour, it was work! I sweated, forgotten how much downward and upward facing dog were exercise for me. There are exercises on the tape that I found quite hard but am sure with time I will get fit and do them well.

Made roasted sweet potato and fish curry, Annie loved it and then we watched 'The Jane Austen Book club" so much fun, she stayed over and gave me company while I wrote and we sang along some music too. very refreshing to have company.

Talked to Sammy boy, a recently resettled Iraqi refugee in America, he is able to use the library and is loving his new environment. Sam and I worked at the Center for Migration & Refugee studies together for a year. it was wonderful and refreshing to touch base with Janet and Stella - Lord thank you for lovely friends. Chatted with Efe, she has been an amazing encouragement and support... am so glad I met her, one of those friends I am not sure I could do without.

Finished the second half of my thesis today, am going to start on the analysis and conclusion tomorrow. Lord help me in all this, without you this whole thing is a mess and am done for! So you and I are going to make it happen.

48hrs

Am writing with much ease than I have in a while, I guess am feeling better everyday, yet I am still very uncertain about life, future and everything. I still have not heard from UPEACE, am starting to think they did not even get my package! I want to go Lord, I do, I actually need to. Just cleaned up my room, and broke a photo frame,it hurt, but then things do break in life, and accidents happen when we least expect them. things get broken, and we cant mend them sometimes... we have to leave them the way they are and life has to go on. Am looking at the frame now and its broken a piece of the top is off and gone, the pieces are going to the bin and I have to forget about them. Yet I miss the wholeness of the glass frame. But maybe sometimes its better that its broken because it reminds us that when it was whole it was prettier and presentable but broken its still serving its purpose but it will never be as pretty as it was before. Life is messy. Anyway I have this 48 hours thing to think about, I want to with all my heart, I want to say yes to it, to make it happen. But is 48hrs all I will have? I will have to say no to it and let it pass, because even though its what I have wanted and longed for I have to say no. Not because I don't want to, but because 48hrs is messy, I have questions that if I answer all point to a shake of the head,Its not wise and will definitely cost much more than is worth losing. I respect the orient, I respect the thought, I respect the offer but I must say, I respect those to consider more than the 48hrs. And for all its worth I hope that I can live forever knowing that at least I had 48hrs to consider...

24th April, Faythe's wedding day

Attempts to write much today failed, I read instead - good thing. Just realize how much more I need to read. I have only 9 days to defense and need to get on top of things. Called home and talked for ages to Dad, Ruth and Faythe... talked to Esther Ameda as well. last night Meghan, Kelsy, Annie, Ahmed, Hassan and I went out for Sudanese food, that was good!!!! we had the most amazing food ever, enjoyed the mchomo like meat and the bean stew...the guys at the restaurant must have though we were a bunch of rogues cause we were laughing like there was no tomorrow and eating like gluttons- we ate more than the guys did. Ahmed is the cutest of all Meghan's men, I hope they have a better relationship than all these crazy ones- she really does deserve better. He smiles like a genuine one, but as Kelsy said, "Never judge a book by its cover, or the first few pages,' and I added "You have to turn it over, read the back and find out more about the author." Today, the tears came all over again, but I guess I know and am sure the best thing is to let go and let God. I cant understand how something can be so ingrained that its like trying to take the ingradients out of a ready Cake. But for all that is worth its what i need to do. Tried to study at CMRS library and Dr. Nancy's office, it just does not feel the same way anymore, I guess am letting myself realize that the library is moving and I can not afford to get attached to it anymore, everything is passing through, we all are anyway. (Now, Now my pessimistic side kicks in) Got back home a few minutes to 11pm and I am knackered, yet there is much going on outside, it never ceases to amuse how Cairenes stay up late and just keep going. I need to hit the sack now, I got back on face book and am wondering whether it was the right thing to do. I need self control to not go there when I have work to accomplish. Am so excited for Faythe, she seems really happy and I am glad she is. I am thankful that the wedding went really well.

The other side of me

'Grief that finds no vent in tears makes other organs weep.Dr. Henry Maudsley


because you were like a Prince... you were my safe place
you were the other side of me
your eyes were so honest and our chemistry so pure
our unrevealed love was purer than the blue sky
now am getting poetic.
please go on u r always poetic...
all I wanted was for you to take me in your arms and ravish me...
Yet the pessimist in me
Was afraid that if this actually happened,
Maybe all of what we had would be lost.
Yet again as someone once said, 'what romance is,
is not the lack of passion so much as control of it
and the not giving in.'
So maybe, just maybe our romance was in the not giving in. No regrets

Dne minimal work on my thesis today, bad child! terrible student, or maybe I just needed a plain break from all this. Even Solomon said, too much study wearies the mind. Yet he also said, "A little sleep. a little slumber and poverty will come upon you like an armed man!" hmmmm

Gosh it hurts, it hurts more than I can express, and it keeps on hurting. I want a way out, I need one, cause right now...I need to have a reason to live. I know God should be my all, in such times the famous footprint poem comes to mind. I need God to take me through this more than anything. In a desperate need to be carried through this crisis, May I know that above everything else its you and you alone that never fails, that I can lean on you because you are faithful always and have never let me down.

The paradox of life is that at one time or the other we regret, we regret that we never did this, said this or the other. But maybe that in itself is an inevitable experience that makes us human, that in the scheme of things we miss out on what is so important and that maybe that one time, that chemistry was the greatest reality we experienced. And then we find it again, and its too late, too late because then there are too many people involved, too late because if we did anything about it we would hurt those who hold us so dear and know nothing of what we had. And even though I want it all back, and I want to turn the hands of time, even though all this is what I feel, it does not mean that I should do it. Consideration becomes the constant reminder of the day and whatever is real, sometimes gets pushed back. some may say its stupid, its fallacy, one day it will burst and you cant stop it, but right now, I know what is right is to understand that there are those who you hold dear and I don't want to hurt no one, I have been hurt before and no, I don't want them to hurt like I have, no one deserves it. Yet for all that we have, for all that we hold dear, the memories are treasured...

"If Tomorrow Never Comes"

cant sleep, listened to this song over and over, the number of times is embarrassing to mention...and much more of Ronan Keating's music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4kzGhDEURA&NR=1 Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch her sleeping She's lost in peaceful dreams So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark And the thought crosses my mind If I never wake up in the morning Would she ever doubt the way I feel About her in my heart If tomorrow never comes Will she know how much I loved her Did I try in every way to show her every day That she's my only one And if my time on earth were through And she must face this world without me Is the love I gave her in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes 'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life Who never knew how much I loved them Now I live with the regret That my true feelings for them never were revealed So I made a promise to myself To say each day how much she means to me And avoid that circumstance Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel If tomorrow never comes Will she know how much I loved her Did I try in every way to show her every day That she's my only one And if my time on earth were through And she must face this world without me Is the love I gave her in the past Gonna be enough to last If tomorrow never comes So tell that someone that you love Just what you're thinking of If tomorrow never comes

One Tiring Day

first of all I didn't get much sleep last night, I just could not sleep till 1am or some ridiculous hour, and then by 5am I was up and sleepless... after a hot shower and juice I was in time for the 7am bus to NC...xtremely tired today and failed to go to the gym, going to New campus in New Cairo always tires me. Had a sad meeting today with Jayme Spencer about the CMRS library moving to the New Campus, I feel like a part of me is dying... I guess I have gotten too attached to the Old campus that the New one with all its pomp and class is still not becoming. Its a beautiful campus I must agree... sometimes it feels like hotel with all its glory. I find the library inhibiting and dreary, I think its all a mindset as Naseem really loves it. Anyway CMRS is moving and Ray is not pleased but hey change is again the one constant in life.

Talked to an old friend today, we have these long amazing chats about life and school- oh how we have grown, I kind of wish we had never grown up. In so many ways life gets a lot more complicated as we grow older and responsibilities, thicken the plot. Yet again, change is a constant aspect in my life.

Sat with Wawa, Meg and Kat for lunch today. Meg is such a darling , Wawa's sister seems lovely. Got back from New campus studied some in the CMRS library and then went to BEANOS( cause am tired of my house) had cheese cake while I wrote some of my thesis bits.

Efe thinks am going to have thesis withdrawals when am done. As usual I got stares like I had just popped out of the jungle, Egyptians do not cease to amaze me with their relentless staring habits...anyway am home now, fatigued, but have to write and get ready to present on Thursday. I am too tired, looking forward to doing well... more than finishing, here the end does not justify the means

Had my hair done today, feels so much better with cleaner and neater hair. Its interesting how having a clean start on one's head gives me a fresher outlook on life, or does it really. It must have to do with letting go of the old. Tried to do much on my thesis today as I caught up with my friend Dickens, we had lost touch for ages and now the internet brings us back in touch.We had a long chat about school and life an its interesting how much I learned just talking with him, I learned a proverb, "biting your nose off". talking to Dickens made me miss Martina so much, I hope I can talk to her soon.. I really do miss her. I have succeeded in not doing much work today so am off to bed now, hoping for an early start. I should catch the 8am bus to the New campus so I can study all day and have the library meeting at 11:30pm. The thought of going all the way to the New campus frightens me, I need to start looking forward to it as there will not be a library next semester downtown. Its been a lovely day and am so glad for life!

Unique & Special

To you I was Polite, jolly, understanding, confident, delicate,....but it was you that made me feel delicate, the way you handled me, it was you that made me confident - when you thought highly of me. It was you that made me want to understand and be a better person. We had chemistry that can only be described in quantum physics...discrete, indivisible units of energy...

There is something about today...

Stayed in all day again, woke up feeling like I just did not want to do my thesis work, I listened to my body, did my meditation, recorded myself reading poetry and played guitar. Went to the gym and felt really good after. I Feel awful now, for some reason , my body is saying things i cant quite understand. Naseem and Sarah did a great job tonight at the CMRS seminar, I thought it was brilliantly done and i hope my thesis is going to be that good. Anyway, Ray sent me comments on my thesis and I hope I can get everything done somehow. Feeling optimistic but I guess I need to actually be doing much more. My body is resisting though. Had an interview with Sharmarke and he was very suspicious and skeptical about it, more about the recording but I tried to encourage him and tell him it was strictly for me. He is very private about what he thinks of UNHCR and I can understand that too. Am quite out of sorts right now and have to stop writing...

I have lived on the lip of insanity Wanting to know reasons Knocking on a door, it opens I have been knocking from the inside! Rumi

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. ~ Rumi ~

The Perishers - Come Out Of The Shade

Was it love, or just something that reminded me of Something that felt a lot like, but wasn't, love Just friends, friends then, until the end You know I still pretend, just friends. Take a step and come out of the shade I can tell you're no longer afraid I'm helpless without your warming smile Take a step and come out in the sun I can tell it's already begun I'm helpless without your warming smile Was it love, I think it was but I'm far from sure I'd never felt that way before, was it love? Just friends, am I a fool to be asking for, a fool to wish that we could be more than friends Take a step and come out of the shade I can tell you're no longer afraid I'm helpless without your warming smile Take a step and come out here in the sun I can tell it's already begun I'm helpless without you, Helpless without you, Helpless without your warming smile Your warming smile

Garlic chicken stir fry

I have just come up with a tasteful recipe for Garlic chicken stir fry Note: this is not a spicy meal so no pepper Ingredients half pound of chicken breast cut in long cubes two tomatoes sliced Two green Peppers sliced two onions (sharp flavored) four tubes of fresh garlic half teaspoon ginger poweder half teaspoon garlic powder half teaspoon thyme one cube chicken maggi half teaspoon salt One teaspoon dark soy sauce Two to four table spoons olive oil Fry onions, green pepper and garlic diced in olive oil until onions are slightly brown on medium hear, wash sliced chicken and drain water place in fry with onions and green peppers. Let fry until chicken liquid is almost evaporated, pour in fresh sliced tomatoes and sprinkle all spices over. PLEASE DO NOT STIR, pour over the fry 1 teaspoon of dark soy sauce and cover to simmer, after five minutes stir and cover. Cook on low heat until chicken is ready. Then serve with well cooked Egyptian brown rice from http://www.sekem.com Enjoy (C)Amoding

The Cure For Pain :Jon Foreman (Fall)

So I'm not sure why it always flows downhill Why broken cisterns never could stay filled I've spent ten years singing gravity away But the water keeps on falling from the sky And here tonight while the stars are blacking out With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away But the water keeps on falling from my eyes And heaven knows, heaven knows I tried to find a cure for the pain Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do It would be a lie to run away So blood is fire pulsing through our veins We're either writers or fools behind the reigns I've spent ten years trying to sing it all way But the water keeps on falling from my tries And heaven knows, heaven knows I tried to find a cure for the pain Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do It would be a lie to run away A lie to run It would be a lie It would be a lie to run away It keeps on falling (x4) Water keeps on falling from my eyes And heaven knows, heaven knows I tried to find a cure for the pain Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do It would be a lie to run away (x3)

DAO

we never kissed, we never said 'I love you(s'), we never made plans or promises, we never worried about when and where to meet. We never spent hours on the phone, we never hurt anyone by our actions, we never said more than smile much and write short notes, saying 'how are you today?' we never fought, we never accused, we never assumed the future, we never got to be together for a long time. But we were one, in heart we were true soulmates. - DAO

The week that was...

Its been a while since I last journal-ed. The week has been racing, feels like I have done nothing completely and now its time to write and I have a brain bloc. UNHCR called me up for an interview after the Protection officer got fed up with my emails, the conference session was good because I was able to get as much as I needed but the greatest huddle was the Chief, he sat in and made Mariham and I look extremely stupid. Amanuel had escorted me and Mariham was the other researcher at the conference session.The man has such an intimidating demeanor but we kind of got through it all, anyway the session went well... twisted information from UNHCR, its a disturbing field this humanitarianism business. Spent some time at a STAR class that Dmbek and Thomas are teaching, five Afghan students, one that sat next to me was so charming and attractive, he was feeling very personal with me, but wala - I hope he can feel whatever he feels inside of him. Meanwhile there is a Frenchman that keeps calling me, wanting to hang out. Am not interested in all these men,I always feared to hurt people, now I just do not feel a thing. Mohammed came by to the office this week after trying to get me to go out with him, failed attempts led him to come over and want to chat, my goodness; this was in itself a failed attempt at wooing - My body was present, but am quite sure that he noticed I just was not there. I dont have to work at it anymore, it just happens. Meanwhile I started Daily meditations, I am calmed and a lot more alert after them. I have not been to the gym much this week but I feel energized. I feel rather fat though, I am wondering why... the Sundaes, five visits to KFC thsi semester and my addiction to chocolate as comfort food is probably taking it's toll- time to stop and work at being fit and healthy. I bought my ticket home and am excited...