They say...

I need to moisturize my hair every day or it gets brittle and breaks. My name means oasis in a desert. Some kind of fertile places in a wilderness so my people say - they also say that it’s that place where they went to find fish when there was a drought. It all resonates with water and dryness. Dryness  only exists because water does. My hair has to have water every single day, yet I am no desert. Ask my husband he’ll tell you that I am a waterfall. Around me everything springs with life, my children, my home and himself. He is he husband who sits at the town centre with the other men and he is praised. 

 It is spring in this part of the world, but the weather people say we should expect snow. Maybe if I tell you it’s almost three days to May you will understand. I was born in the summer where everything has color and is color. When the sun is at its peak in most of the world, even Iceland gets some sunshine in July. My best friend said I sound different in a good way. It scares me. Different used to make me happy. Now am afraid that I might be the one with my head down while the entire world has its head up. They say when it comes to this you know there is a problem. Please do not ask me who said.

Rules

'Most of our problems come from just that- following rules.' Paulo Coelho

I have to learn to let myself go. Rumpus just said everything I have been trying to say for the last week and if I say it now you will probably think I am plagiarizing so I’ll just go ahead and quote him -I had to come against the end before I started going all crazy about being napputural – when I said it came upon me by accident this is what I meant. It took losing it all to come to the point of walking away from everything I knew to do for my hair, there was nothing more to hang on to and then I was able to be creative again.

Yet I have to learn to let myself go as much as I have to learn to let my hair be. Every so often I am massaging my scalp, checking every few hours in the mirror to either see what my hair looks like or whether it’s grown. I have to allow things time to grow. But like every writer I like speed. I like good views, yellow walls and popcorn. I just finished reading ‘The witch of Portobello.’ I know why Paulo Coelho is praised so. He has a way with the soul – understanding that our humanity does not end where it is at.  I can relate with someone who knows for sure that there is not much fulfillment in following rules. 

Deepak Chopra says, " To rule your soul is like ruling creation. Its above even the gods" Or angels. 

I always broke the rules in boarding school yet there has always been something about me that makes teachers and parents love me. My best friend thinks it’s my eyes. When I was in secondary school, I could not follow any rules, when it was prep time – I read novels. When it was time to go to the fields to till potatoes or whatever it was I charmed a prefect and just stood watching everyone, or faked a leg ache. Something had to happen. When we were told never to go over the grass but use the paved walk ways I just could not do it. My grades were so bad in high school and I never cared. When my parents were mad at me for poor grades I just looked at them and said nothing – they never remember this because for some reason I managed to divert their concerns with my eyes. When I was told I could not date, I did – and look what became of it. I finally found me. Some people are simply wired to divert from the status-qua. I find status-qua draining. So I break rules by not keeping rules

Who's laughing now?

A woman who understands her hair understands herself. Am not talking about length and volume here; as I experience my hair for the first time I am also starting to understand myself much better. It’s almost as if my hair is everything about me. When I plait Bantu knots without moisture it breaks. It needs olive oil to gloss and honey to hold. My hair is many things, just as I am many things. It’s kinky and breaks all the time when its ignored. I do not like to be ignored – first time I admit it. I remember reading a cancer horoscope that said cancer’s hate to be ignored and even as much as I do not believe in the stars determining my course of action this resonated with me. I quickly stopped reading for fear that  I would start believing. I have an ego as big as my hair, but it needs to be humbled, nourished and made beautiful. Whoever heard of an ego looking beautiful? This is where mine is headed. Half of my hair is one type and the other is another. My back hair which you probably would not see when you looked at me, is curly, soft and grows faster than the front half; which is most of what I am. On the front I am as complicated and hard as my front half hair. On the back I am soft and curly, with a tender disposition – you have to get to know me to understand this side of me.

Apparently we should never lose our childish enthusiasm and everything will come our way.  He said to her that she should stop being so sad because if she kept this way he would be forced to make love to her and yet he had never cheated on his wife before– under the Tuscan Sun. Are men driven by sadness in a woman? Or is it just as warped a concept as my mind perceives it to be. A lady in Mid-Somers Murders just sneered at her extremely religious sister Harriet, ‘I have never understood how you live your life, when it is dead you pray for it and when it is alive you criticize it.’ Her sister could not get along with a single soul. If you keep on wallowing you will never be happy. I want to move to Italy after I have lost sixty pounds, find a house, learn French, eat so much pasta and write for a year. After this I want to move Morocco and eat so much meat and vegetables, learn Arabic for four years and raise my daughter there. Have an open house with no walls. And I can only be happy when I have a large kitchen – I believe the kitchen is the soul of the house. If a kitchen is dull and cold, the whole house will have the same spirit.

Nothing in life is regrettable. One of my friends is being sweet on me. I am as vulnerable as my hair right now. Searching for what makes it come alive. Any instant gratification could be considered the right thing, so I will hold off. Keep trying various products until I find the right now. It has to be natural, like honey. Yet honey alone is not enough to make it healthy, I need to come up with the best ingredients to make it healthy. I can’t afford to settle on the first man that expresses warmth to me or the first man I let myself look at. I should know better than to do this. No matter what happens the Tuscan movie says; always keep your childish innocence it’s the most important thing. An ex always called me naïve. He thought he was insulting me. Who laughs now? I wonder what my baby hair was like. In most of all my childhood pictures save for one, I did not have hair on my head. I have never had the chance to know my hair like I have never had the chance to know me. You never take away what is natural. You should never run away from it. We do. I have done. We black women run away from what is natural. We straighten our hair and add artificial pieces to it and get overwhelmed with the unnatural and ignore the natural. When this happens we lose us. We forget that our natural hair is in alignment with our hips, lips and breasts. That if we had straight hair it would cover the curves of the breast and hide the beauty of our lips. That to have our hair growing upwards is to defy gravity, to be pulled up rather than weighed down.

You know how that movie ends, “you know they say they built the railway line from Vienna to Venus before the train was made because they knew that one day it would come.’ Then you know the movie is about Faith. I am a dreamer. A small message makes me create a world. I have created many worlds in my head. Maybe it’s really possible to read too many books and imagine that life is purer than it really is. 

Good Hair

My friend’s dog has cancer and it’s on very strong pain killers.  Someone just suggested that when she goes he is going to feed the dog’s left over drugs to the stray cats that hang around. I laughed. Was that mean? I mean I could picture what would happen. The cats would probably fall into a three day slumber and the idea of drugged sleeping cats all over the lawn is not very attractive. Someone on TV – Criminal minds- just asked whether the son of a serial killer ever has a chance.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to maintain good hair. It’s the first time I am keeping my hair unlocked and working on growing it. This means it has to be moisturized two to three times a day since I have 4Li hair – it’s kinky and with s-curls. It’s been exciting having to make up my own moisturizers and a great realization has been – my hair thrives on honey. I am also learning that a woman’s hair has a lot to do with her than anything else – especially a black woman’s hair. I have this friend who once gave me a three minute lecture on my hair. She wanted us to start blogging and talking online about our hair, even though we saw each other  about twice or thrice a week. She said to me, ‘Our hair is beautiful. Its unique it grows upwards and so defies gravity.’ I was sold.

When Paul talks about a woman’s glory being her hair, I think he meant so much more than the length and volume of it.  Going completely natural came as an accident. I had given up trying to maintain my kinky s-curls and decided to go all Brazilian Keratin. I did not want any chemical in my hair and the best option at the time was to use no-lye on my hair. Every black woman I talked to about Keratin encouraged me to use it. Keratin is a renowned hair product that has an abundance of protein and keeps the hair straight and smooth easy to comb and style. This I did. It’s expensive but by this time I could do anything for my hair. It’s what Oprah does to her hair. Usually doing a Keratin treatment in Minnesota costs about $350 however just before I went off to Brazil, I met a lady at work who told me a salon in town was doing it for half price and she was going to do it as well. That day I spent over $250 dollars on my hair because I had to buy the keratin shampoo and conditioners. I decided to stock up so that I could have enough for when I moved to Brazil and Egypt. That day I dyed my hair a golden brown color too.

I did wear that colored hair for a few months. I loved it. Never had color in my hair so this was part of feeling liberated until my friend straightened my hair three months later in Cairo and it started to fall out. Within three days my hair went from over 12 inches to 2 inches. People asked me if it hurt me. Some of my friends asked if it affected my self-esteem not to have any hair. For real, it did not affect my esteem nor my feelings. I did wear that short hair with pride. The loss of my hair brought me to a stage where I did not care anymore about my hair. And then I started looking at black hair blogs that a friend had sent me. I admired people’s natural kinky s-curls and I have been hooked since then.

Today it’s exciting to create my own hair moisturizers- am learning that my hair needs as much nourishment as my own body. The lessons are numerous – For so long I have ignored my hair yet I realize everyday how each part of my body is as important as another part and each part needs as much attention as the rest to make me beautiful.

There is something about hair that teaches us about us. For black women its understanding what kind of hair you have to what it needs and what it thrives on. My 4Li type hair is not naturally moist and so I have to provide it with an abundance of moisture, while my friend B’s hair is soft and cushy and does not need as much moisture as mine does we both have kinky black hair. As I spend time moisturizing my hair I am learning that my body needs as much attention as my hair. I need to tone up to look as good as I want. I need to moisturize my skin because it needs the moisture and my mind needs to be refreshed with good reading and laughter… and the list goes on. So my hair is teaching me that my whole body is a garden. Am also learning that my hair thrives on honey as much as my body does love honey in coffee, tea, curries and roasts. My body thrives on olive oil and Shea oil as much as my skin and stomach do. So my hair is telling me that it is everything about me as the rest of me is everything about it.

For the first time in my life I am aware of how attentive I am to my body as a whole. I know what I need to feel good, I know what I need when I feel weak and I know what I need when am bored. My mind is a beautiful thing. I am aware of me and I love me. 

My hair loves honey! Started using honey as a hair moisturizer; mixed it up with raw Shea oil, coconut oil, olive oil, Monistat 7, water and a nexus leaving in conditioner. My hair responds to honey as though that is what it was made for, no wonder my name means bee. Excitement fills my days as I realize what my hair needs to flourish.

What people think of me is not my business if I start to make it my business I will be offended for the rest of my life -

Life is not happening to you but happening for you – everything that happened in my past becomes a force to leverage me into the future. Life is not happening to, but happening for me I am not what happens to me I am the spirit in which the happenings come and go…the despair and joy- I am a deeper soul in which all these things happen. I am the higher reality. I think this sounds more like Deepak than myself. Yet I believe it all.
Pursue excellence ignore success. What is the gift in my addictive behavior – move from spirit to spirit. Addiction is a search for ecstasy – exaltation – ends in oblivion. I could use this addictive tendency for healing and transformation – habits create a lack of awareness- Life is not happening to you but for you – to enhance you to help you to grow. Every single thing that is happening becomes a force to leverage you into the future- You are not what happens to you – you are the spirit in which the happenings come and go. Comings and goings pleasures and pains – I am a deeper soul in which all these things happen.

Un-forgiveness has everything to do with me and nothing to do with the other person. It blocks me from taking the risk of love. Robs  me from my future. “TD jakes – Letting go”
Letting your forgiveness be predicated by someone else’ behavior is like leaving your thermostat remote in his house so he can control it. No one’s behavior should control your response. When people say things about you that are not true reject them. Do not adopt their reality as your reality. Move yourself from harm’s way- What you did does not matter anymore- no longer affects how I live in the now and in the future. I am not going to let what you did to me continue to affect the way I live now. I do not want to be defined by what happened yesterday but by the future not by the past. I can’t afford- Life is too precious to allow these moments to determine my response. I am not trying to forget, if I forget I lose the wisdom from the incident. I want to remember so that I do not repeat it, or learn from and draw lessons from it. So that I can be wiser, our outreach to others is born from it.

Mix cake ingredients – Baking powder or sodium bicarbonate are just gross on their own. One segment of life in isolation is bitterness. Yet when we add all these segments we realize we are many things. All of a sudden our lives are beautiful and tasty when all these various segments are brought together. I cannot forgive what I cannot understand. It’s so much easier to cope when I understand the person. I can then adjust my expectations to deliverables on the level of the others capacity. Do not expect someone to love you on a gallon level when they are a pint person or I will be frustrated for the rest of my life. You can’t keep being around pint people when you are a gallon person. ‘
No thing, no material possession matters in terms of defining who you are– Oprah. Use your life to come alive this is when you most come alive- My job is to feel my calling and honor it. Setbacks push you in the right directions.

Just finished reading ‘Brida’ by Paulo Coelho after staying up all night reading it, It’s been a while since I last read a gripping book. For a while I had stopped believing in soul mates, you can guess why. I have been beaten once  in love. Generally I tend to look over men, for fear that I might fall in love again and then history just might repeat itself. Plunging in and making mistakes seems to be Paulo’s conclusion of life. If he were to sum up life in two words it would be ‘risk plunging’.  There are some things in life I do so well. I have not yet found out why I am here to start honoring that specifically. Yet I know there are some things I love to do.

An Accomplished Woman

I am looking at acres of expansive land; the doors are glass and stretch from near the ceiling to the floor. The phone just rang; it was the owner of this house – probably checking in to see if I have thrown a party. Whitney is singing, she assumes that her song will be played when making love or by lovers. I hate when musicians assume that their songs will only be appreciated by only lovers, they seem to forget that some people may be alone for longer that they want to. A friend of mine sent me a video about how vulnerability should not be comfortable and excruciating but necessary. I am a researcher and my life is about working towards, sighting issues, predicting constraints and controlling situations how does this blend in with allowing things to be necessary. I need to have a hold on something for goodness sake!  Anyway at least she ends the video explaining the one thing I agree with which of course I can attest to being a proud product of. My parents are not perfect, yet one thing I will always thank them for is the fact that they brought me up reminding me daily, through discipline that I am an imperfect person and because life is full of struggle I am wired for it and therefore have the strength to fight and thrive. Yet in spite of all this I am worthy of love and belonging. To this effect I am an accomplished young woman.

What I really want to say...

I loved you with a careless naïve sort of love. With reckless abandon I loved you.  I am not sure you ever loved me back the same way. Or does that even ever happen? So right now I do not give a damn whether you care about this relationship or not. I just want out! I care less and less what you think of me. I want to sound nice. I want to be nice. But nice just died on me. It came and went with naivety. I lost my innocence when I hurt.  I let you hurt me because I let myself trust   you. I am pounding gently on our mahogany table. Well it’s really his, he paid for it. I want to make a scene like they do in the movies. Maybe when I walk out I’ll slum a door for effect.

I am speaking softly. I always wanted to speak this way. I never used to but after living with T for three months I have learned that yelling does not move him. It’s the temperate in my voice that makes him listen. I have a cousin who speaks like this and it’s taken me practically eight years to learn to speak softly. It’s a good thing for times like this. As I catch his attention, he sits upright and I know it’s time to tell him the stages.

In stage one, you hurt so bad and pity yourself. Then in stage two, you hurt and are angry both at yourself and at the person who hurt you. You wonder how naive you could be, maybe even foolish. The healing begins in stage three when you sever the code between you and the other person. Some people call this forgiveness. Others might say its letting go. I want to say this is when I do not give a damn anymore and finally in stage four you  get  in tune with phrases like, ‘once bitten, twice shy,’ and the one that goes, ‘you fool me once…’

No, do not say sorry. It’s all good. You and I fell in love in a hopeless place. Literally. I am just ranting because I practiced this speech for when he returned from his day at the circus. T worked at the circus. Not much can be said of a circus man or she who falls in love with one. I wanted to sound prepared as if whatever happened has been a stepping stone to where I am at this moment. You have to understand not giving a damn about you has saved me so much. My hair has grown four inches more than if I cared. My skin is smooth and my weight is stable. My hormonal balance is as good as balance gets. So no apologies- I am pointing my index finger at T- you and I are not good for each other. We both want different things in life. I am feeling snarky when I say this, because I know he is burning with regret. But I continue to sound nice, I want to sound genuine. But there is a thin line between being genuine and being sarcastic – at least for me. I am playing spider solitaire as I say all this. In honesty I really do not give a damn. He broke my clay pot; the one L gave me so I would always think of him when I looked at it. I wanted to be a little crasser, maybe even curse at him. I just can’t get myself to do it even when am all alone. I think my guardian angels sure do not like such words. I continue – I know that the decisions we have both made are for the best. I wish you all the best in life. I can’t say.  ‘I wish you peace, fun and love’ – no that’s wishing too much for such a soul. What I really want to say is, ‘I wish you could have your gizmos injured so bad that they fall off.’ Or something like, ‘I hope you live to regret every day of your life for not fighting for me.’ Even more I want to say that, ‘my sister wishes for you to get lice in your privates and your hands grow shorter so that you cannot scratch when you itch.’ You should meet my sister. She is an intelligent soul with overflowing wit. Instead I look up from my game, smile and say, ‘I have to go now.’ Three months, was this all? Why am I acting like it was years we had together. I barely even took my top off. Once or twice I must admit I showed a nipple or two.

I have barely moved an inch when he opens his mouth. His lips are not as attractive as I thought they used to be. Am just human, we humans make 340 degree turns, watch the point we left off from a distance of 20 degrees and nothing is ever the same again. T asks if he can tell me about how much he will miss me. I look at him for about a minute before I respond. For a moment it feels like I am at a visitation in a mental institution. He asks again. I reply, ‘If you want to tell me so that I know what is going on with you as friends would do, do not bother; I do not care at all. However if you want to tell me for therapy, you will be wasting your time because I will walk away and you will be wasting your own time since I do not give a damn. If you want to tell me so that I can be happy for you, I still do not give a damn.’ He looks at me with empty eyes and finally I can see he gets the point. Sometimes you have to be mean to be nice. So maybe I am being nice after all.

I shut my computer and walk away. I wanted to be nice. No what I really wanted was to be really mean for this one time. I am always nice, even though not many people I know think so. I do not look back. I just recently learned that looking back means I am interested in you.

Raise your hand if you hate borders

My roomie and I made sure that all the groceries we bought at Sobey’s today were made in the US for immigration purposes. Suffice it to say that groceries are cheaper across the border than they are in the US. The only grocery store in our little village charges twice more than the cost of anything in the US. The store son has been eyeing me so my friend is nudging me to give him the green so we can get groceries for free or maybe even end up a millionaire daughter in law. Hopes! We got to the border with a bunch of stuff including strawberries shipped from CA, USA to Canada but made in Mexico. Bummer! Guard was cool with us, checked our stuff said everything was ok save for those strawberries. He gave us the option of packing on the white lines and eating up as much as we could before we could cross cover. Technically we ate those strawberries in the US.

Sitting at the border eating strawberries is not much fun. Food just tastes horrible when it’s forced down your throat especially at border controls whilst the guards had time to go over every page of my passport. NOT FUNNY! Still we ate. After going over one container we tried to offer the other to the Mexicans who drove behind us. They said, ‘no we grow that stuff.’  I will be losing my roommate soon she is moving to Winnipeg. Well not really, she has an interview for a job there next week. I am preparing my mind. I have decided to move down south by the end of May if I have not found a job. I will live with my brother who has been asking me to move there for a while now. Maybe I will meet a southern lad. He will call me ‘Shawty.’ This weekend I am all alone at home, alone with the dog. I have always thought that taking an animal away from its natural habitat is plain rude. To call it abuse would be to lighten the matter. I think it’s a result of people’s failure to live with each other and resorting to a distraction. Have something to dot on and take conversation away from their failings. A general observation no offense intended. We all think she has cancer. I will have to give her meds every day and hope she can eat up anyone who tries to come around the house despite her limp. There are man-camps close by. Why do I feel like I might be living a criminal minds scene this weekend? I swear I am sleeping with a gun next to me and will start shooting as soon as anyone walks into the house unannounced. So if you decide to come by call out to me from the road, I will only come down to answer the door after I have proved that it is you.

Hips

As I sit here, my heart is knotting. I could not be getting a heart attack. No. I haven’t got my period in two months. As if this matters. I could be pregnant but then there is not much historical evidence to back this claim. Someone just walked in with groceries; I asked if he needed help. He said that is the general consensus of everyone he meets. I figured he did not need any help. Or did I deduce that wrong? I am not getting up seeing as he is smiling at me as if saying, ‘I know you were just being polite. You are not getting your butt off that seat.’ Well thought pal. Not a cheek off here. 

I love my body. Since I started using moya oil on my body I can’t get over caressing myself.  If I said Shea butter the effect of this oil diminishes. In my country people use Moya oil for food; meaning that most of the time these days I smell like Ugandan food with Moya in it. One of my friends thinks this is the reason I get checked out by a lot by men around here. I see them look at me and many times I want to walk over and ask, “Is there a problem?” Thing is she thinks they find me attractive. I think otherwise. I think they are all a bunch of racists. I know for sure, I trust my judgment.

I think Jesse McCartney sings of me when he sings 'Body Language' because am starting to think the thing behind me is amazing. I am in love with Shakira's ‘hips do not lie’ which is my inspiration for taking belly dancing classes. The stories hips can tell I want mine to tell. So here is to belly dancing and evoking my hips to say things.

Rock Creek

I may not be the best person to say this but my mind tells me this year Obama will run by himself. Romney is that guy from the state where people live in a state. And the Travyon case is almost coming to an end. This does not mean I can stop looking over my shoulder. Yesterday I went to my weekly letter writing volunteer session. It’s that time of the week when I express the part of me that is altruistic – huh. I walked in with a white friend - she’s legally white anyway. She stretched out her hand to shake another volunteer’s hand and they exchanged salutations. And then it was my turn. Not wanting to be rude I decided to do the same thing. Offer a handshake. He looked at me. Looked at my hand and just ignored me. People pretended not to notice. I am not sure what feelings went down. I can remember thinking to myself. ‘You are not worth my salt and this does not bother me.’ And it did not. I only wondered when I started shaking hands again. I have had a couple of racist people refuse to shake my hand and so between this and my mother’s idea that some people do not wash their hands after going to the loo, I generally stopped shaking hands. My legally white friend was furious. She told everyone about it after the session. Went into a feat about how we are never going back to that place. I was not fussed. When you are black and have read ‘How to be black’ by Baratunde it’s almost as if you have a PHD in blackness. You learn what to carry and what to leave behind. Education on blackness is a daily consequence. So I told my friend that we were going back to that session and no one is going to be an obstruction to our success. After-all the either xenophobic or racist person is not an issue.

My friend just told me she wants to go for a physical. Actually she said she needed to call up her doctor to get a physical done so she can go on the pill. I talked her out of it. Not because I do not have healthcare insurance. We are in Canada for goodness sake everyone is covered. Two hours away across the border, I am not. I used to be covered when I was married to a soldier. Well he blew it and now I do not have insurance. Technically we are still married but in my mind there is not much of a memory of it. I only talked her out of it because we are on a $500 weight loss challenge. If we are too far apart in how much weight we lose no one gets the money. Not everyone gains weight on the pill but knowing her luck she probably will and then what happens to all the plans I have for that money? They should have called it the ‘Team weight loss challenge.’ So she bought the idea and thinks whoever is on the other side of the playing field should suck it up and just play carefully.

Another friend just told me he is going to write a job application with the subject: ‘HIRE ME DAMMIT!’ I am considering doing the same thing for one of the lesser interesting jobs and see what happens. Sometimes people are moved by true frustration. I said the same thing to another friend who is dating the best man I have ever seen her with. She said he has been hurt so much. I said, ‘maybe that is a good thing because he is extremely respectful of you and also into you.’ I added a bunch of cheesy crap to the whole thing. A huge deviation to the crass I tend to pour out daily concerning their enormous public display of affection which I am totally comfortable with. Am off to the Rock Creek restaurant tonight, join me if you are in Regina and are used to crashing dates. I will be sitting with a man who looks like Simon Baker, only because he does. 

Ubuntu

Human interconnectedness: I am because you are. Ubuntu speaks to the very essence of being human. My humanity is caught up, inextricably bound up, in yours. A person is a person through a person. - Desmond Tutu

A girl in love with a dream

According to Megsies it is official that I am emotionally oblivious when a man is attracted to me.  I want to tell her it’s a subconscious protective mechanism. Yet part of me is hoping that I can end the denial of my emotional stunted-ness. Am listening to ‘you got me’ by Whitney Houston and in my world I want someone to make those words come alive.  I have been singing ‘I wanna dance with somebody’ all week. My favorite part of this song is the part that says, “I wanna feel the heat with somebody’ – this is the real part of the song for me.  I feel those words as though they are a minute away from coming to life.  So Sandma and Megsies were telling me off for being so blind today while on our day trip to North Dakota. For a moment the thirty three year old in me felt like a naïve piece of humanity.

Am starting to believe that this stunted-ness is a perfect explanation to why I have intense crushes on celebrity men who are as far as far can be. For a time I really did think that Tyler Perry was the one. I still do. Depending on my mood, my hope of Tyler surfaces as nothing I have felt before. Then it was Ed Norton. My crush went as far as downloading all the movies Ed has featured in. I watched them all. My theory of rewarding myself after a hard day’s work in graduate school was to watch a movie. I am ashamed to say how much of Hollywood entertainment I have seen in the past two years. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Blame it on the internet.  Recently it’s been Simon Baker. I have watched ‘Something new’ over eight times in less than two months. This is precisely three weeks. At the moment I am religiously following the Mentalist featuring Simon’s less sexy side.

One of my friends believes I have an addictive personality. I agree only because this is an excuse for not drinking alcohol, taking weed and having un-marital sex (is there such a thing?  Language is dynamic).  I could have just called it uncommitted sex. I used to stilt my tongue every time I had to explain to people why I did not want to drink alcohol. When I was in grad school and had to say no to weed and or sex my explanations appeared unfounded. Now I just have to say, ‘I have an addictive personality.’ You should see people’s reactions to this. Some people scramble to take away anything I might use to harm myself. Others apologize profusely for tempting me. Someone yesterday told me, ‘That is the beginning of dealing with the problem. Accepting it!” Those who know me will often say the most irritating thing, ‘No you do not! You drink wine!’  What the heck. Who said drinking a splash of wine in Coke or Sprite is taking alcohol? And when I use alcohol to cook that has nothing to do with drinking it. I am quite sure it evaporates while cooking. Today I used Jamaican rum and brandy to cook a chicken curry – that was amazing!

Back to my crushes: I can’t say I had a crush on Monk in Monk. I watched that show with such devotion because for some reason he is so much like my father. I love my father. On and off I get affectionate feelings for Shemar Moore in Criminal Minds. If there is someone who turns me on as much as Simon Baker, it’s Shemar Moore. Why oh why? Now you probably think I have lost it. I also have some dodgy intimate feelings for Isaiah Washington. My most recent, now as I write is of the Latino Doctor in Private Practice. I want him for myself, why does Addison always get the most fantastic men?

The one thing about Addison that I admire is that she does not have walls. She is as open as those encyclopedias’ you find placed on a pulpit at the entrance of a library. No protection around that heart. Whatever she feels she does. Whatever she wants she asks for. No holds. Chipmunk has been telling me about being open enough to allow. Does this mean I have to end my celebrity crushes? This is a tough call. Those crushes are fun. I am no stalker, just a girl in love with a dream. 

Victoria Avenue

We’ve been hanging out with Super Soul so much in the past few days. Yesterday we had our first volunteer day with Amnesty International and I must say that was a pleasant session. I wrote a letter to Minister Restrepo – about some case concerning a family that was murdered in Afro-Colombian community and insecurity issues prevailing in the region of Apartacidacio in Colombia.

http://www.amnestyusa.org/ 

Amnesty Canada does a letter writing session every Tuesday at the Atlantis Coffee shop in Regina. You are welcome to join if you are around town. It’s always a good thing to meet new people.  I am already looking forward to being there next week. We got to talk about so much happening around the world with people who have a heart for those facing human rights violations. Megsies and I picked up Super Soul who came along and seemed to enjoy it. We went back to Nonniv’s house where there were about ten women chilling out. We drank wine to our heart’s content- this time it was red wine. So many girls’ nights out in the past few days. Oh my! I allowed and was. Super Soul was encouraging me to allow and just be. So I did. When Sandma introduced me to lwael I just was. Megsies was literally drooling. So he was so much better looking than when we saw him in the car a couple of days ago. He left before we talked however we shook hands and the intent was laid out, so much for hanging around Super Soul.

I spent over forty minutes alone with her, talking about life and my grandfather. She gave me words of wisdom and prophecy. I am encouraged and have more faith than I have had in a long time. We left Nonni’s after midnight. Everyone had time with Super Soul – well not every one. One of the ladies did not but she was going to have her own private time later in the week. Back to Victoria Avenue for another ladies night with Megsies and Sandma where we chatted a lot about the day and I proceeded to give Sandma the pedicure of her life. One of her toes screamed pain and overuse. I think I forgot to mention that she and I had been jogging a bit the day before. This is not my thing. I do not jog. She loves to do it. I only did it for moral support. We had meant to take a walk around the lake but it got so late that we decided to walk along Victoria Avenue for exercise. Megsies and Chipmunk walked while Sandma and I power walked and jogged. I feel so much healthier yet I also feel heavier.

We are on a $500 dollar challenge. Dagma set the three of us on a weight loss challenge and whoever wins the most weight in the next two months gets the $500 dollars. For now I know nothing else except that I have to lose over 20 pounds in two months. I wonder whether we shall still be here in two months. Megsies and I got a call from Egypt today and we are to be recruited for a job in Cairo. Imagine this! Well after a talk on the phone with the recruiter she said she needed for us to speak Arabic perfectly. Not good. She was great though when she mentioned that she was going to keep our CVs and get us posted on a job soon, inshallah.  We were both pleased at such positive feedback. However the thought that we could have been working on a a research project by next week is daunting. Maybe something good will come up just like this. Unexpected.

Lunch today was another ladies lunch out at the Plum Garden. Not saying much about this place except that my soup was not anything close to what I expected. The company was great.  Same women we have been hanging out with. We are becoming like kindred spirits. We are shakers. Am learning to accept that everything is as it should be and I should not be stressed out when things do not work out in my timing. I am responsible for my actions.

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g155042-d1089389-Reviews-Plum_Garden-Regina_Saskatchewan.html. I have not rated this yet. 

As far as responsibility goes, Megsies and I had to take responsibility for the “open house’ sign we left in front of Sandma’s house today on our way out of Victoria Avenue. As we branched into North Ridge road, Sandma calls exclaiming how much trouble we caused with potential buyers calling asking for the house.  The house is not on sale. We thought it would be funny. It turned out that it was stupid and the realtor was in so much trouble. After several phone calls and tears. We were told that the case had been an overreaction. 

What a waste of emotional energy. Dagma and I thought.

Victoria Avenue

We are home now for the long weekend. No more chocolate no matter how much I want to be grounded. Super Soul convinced me on what I already knew. Apparently chocolate grounds a person like me. I need to win this challenge.  

Chances

Am thinking colors. Loving colors. Wearing colors. My hair is going to be a blonde honey bronze. I had a weave the same color over a year ago. Am not sure how it will play out on my real hair but am willing to take the chance. 

Talking about chances.  Watch this space! 

I am many things...

She sits across from me, sipping a glass of white wine with a look on her face as if saying, ‘this is the right time. The last time I saw you the energy was not right. You were at crossroads. It seemed like you carried the weight of the world on your shoulders. You had walls today you are ready.’ I know she is right. When she starts to say to me: 'in your history there is someone who has been involved in service and you will be a person of service.' I know this service has to do with some kind international affairs work, I am hoping she does not mention politics. I have always had a not so positive outlook on politics. Even though my professional training is the foundation of politics I still run from it like I am running away from everything that tries to put me in a box. And then she says you can’t be put in a box. No one can be put in a box. We are many things and we need many people to walk with us through this journey of life. We all have a specific path.  She says to me that placing the burden on one person to walk with you through life is impractical, unfair and impossible. I nod in affirmation because I have recently read Lao Tzu. Tzu says we get fulfillment from finding our true selves as looking at others for fulfillment will never bring satisfaction.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Knowledge-is-King-Seek-and-You-Will-Find/122840964432876

Before I would have thought this weird because the conversation I had with Megsies yesterday morning is a replica of what she is telling me now. I listen. She wants to say more but Sandma says it’s time to head home. Her hug is warm and filled with love. She wants to see us again. We say we shall be back on Tuesday after our Amnesty International meeting. I am so pleased I saw her today. She makes me smile. So much talk of life, connections, unity and energy. Some would call her a mystic. Others might say she is a healer. I think she has tapped into her infinite potential- the super soul. Like Rabindranath Tagore says in his book The Religion of Man: The super soul is what permeates all moving things. This is God of the human universe whose mind we share in all out true knowledge, love and service and whom to reveal in ourselves through renunciation of self. This is the highest end of life!

This morning I listened to TD Jakes preach (online) on the Colt that Jesus sent his disciples to get from the village next door. He emphasizes the fact that God has it all sorted. Isaiah 41:10 was the derivation of the sermon. I learned to swim using this verse. I remember Nantongo making me recite it as she helped me get used to swimming under water. Today I swim better under water than above. Susanna taught me to swim above water and the meditation breaths have been amazing at teaching me to maintain my above water breaths. Well, before I got carried away and starting splashing all my friends’ real names in the story, I was talking about the sermon this morning. After it ended, Sandma asked me to go to church with her. I knew this was going to happen and so I was all dressed up and ready to head out when she suggested it. I have learned to listen to my inner self. Ivan  preached on the colt and Jesus, I want to say it was no coincidence because it’s the passion Sunday, palm Sunday or whatever you want to call it. Yet he also referred to Isaiah 41:10 – not a coincidence again and I know God wants me to know he is with me. He refers to statements such as to know that my path is carved and being grateful for when let downs happen and when others do not make it along the way. I know this. Yet it’s great to hear it all over again.

Lunch happened in Radville. It was eventful. Met Sculpti. An amazing uncle of Megsies who is a talented sculptor. He also makes guitars. We spent sometime playing some tunes and I was absolutely awestruck at his talent and gifts. I saw his eyes and I must admit I saw a soul searching for so much more that I could not comprehend how much he would do i f and when he found his true self. The most amazing piece is a sculpture of an angel curved in some kind of marble/ granite like stone in his compound. This is a beautiful piece that would probably cost thousands of dollars. So we played. I taught him some African tunes. He taught me some cowboy tunes. Megsies and Chipmunk watched and hummed as we played. Super soul on referring to Sculpti later when we met her said exactly what I thought of him. He is a deep soul searching for his true self and a place of belonging. You have to agree with me that when I talk of a place of belonging I am not talking of structure or location. I think we find ourselves when we connect with souls. No wonder one of my lessons the past three years has been the realization that some people thousands of miles from my homeland just feel like home. It is the soul connection. The leap of the heart that acknowledges that ‘you are mine. I am yours. We are a village’

When someone asks me ‘who am I’? I can only say I am many things. Sometimes I will be able to say who I am not. Yet I will never be able to give you one description of who I am. I cannot be put in a box. I do not do definitions. I am many things and I need many people to walk with me along life’s road. Everyone plays a whole different role to meet these many needs. Yet I have to be careful who I let walk this path with me. On Tuesday, Super Soul will do a healing session. She will say many things. She will tap into my energy. Megsies is excited that we are doing this together. I am more than excited. I am pleased and certain that this is where I should be.

I thought I would tell you about how the dates have gone so far. Two down. Ida-Marie thinks I should have more faith in the third one. My party went really well. I went to bed at 3am. The house felt like we were back in Cairo. Arabic music and shisha filled the air. We spoke Arabic with the two Egyptian men in the house. For one it was a pretty interesting scene. Two Egyptians, one Ugandan, An Indian, a West Indian and two Irish- Canadians. Even I believe Megsies now when she says Regina has become a pretty diverse city. Date three is this week… will something come of it?